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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homeoffice fees

347 replies

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 09:17

Dp is on limited leave to remain and we are so upset at what it's going to cost to renew for another 2.5 years. It's in the region of £4500. We both feel like our lives are wrecked and I feel like there is no point in my life anymore. I'm on zero hour contract as I'm unwell due to autism/adhd plus other conditions I can't work more hours and dp is full-time minimum wage we are not entitled to any benefits.
On top of all of this dp has dependants although mostly grown up in his home country who put immense pressure on him to help financially due to poor earnings.
I don't know what to do about this situation but I feel like checking out of my life but I feel so bad for dp who is a very good person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:03

LIZS · 28/01/2024 09:57

And if he just stopped ? Sorry I'm not buying that he has no skills . He should be eligible for some funded training if he has been here 10 years and most employers would offer some progression. How did he come to be here ? If he is unskilled and struggling it may not be in his best interest to stay longer term. Are you a UK national?

Show quote history

I'm a UK national yes
He is still better off here than in his home country that's why he stays and also because of me.
I would love to find those employers who will give him a chance the boss where he currently works is the one that has prevented him from been layed off as he thinks my dp is a great worker so he fought to keep him.

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/01/2024 10:05

My mistake, how long has he been here and with you in a relationship? There may be a cultural expectation for him to subsidise those back home as they assume he is earning a lot and particularly having met you. Is he perhaps not telling them the truth?

Hermittrismegistus · 28/01/2024 10:05

Does he have recourse to public funds?

PonyPatter44 · 28/01/2024 10:05

I know there are huge cultural expectations around sending money home - but £400/month when he is on NMW is ludicrous. He needs to speak to his family and explain (and probably explain, and explain, and explain, and they STILL won't accept it...) - but it has to be done.

It might be worth you reapplying for PIP - I know its hard to get but if you are so incapacitated by your disability that you cannot work reliably then you should have some recourse to support. Autism / ADHD charities may be able to help you with the best way to fill the forms in.

DH needs to find a way to improve his skills sharpish. Driving lessons are really expensive, so that might have to wait, but he can concentrate on improving his other work skills. A lot of warehouse work pays more than minimum wage, especially if you do the unsocial hours - is that a possibility for him?

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 10:06

where's his home country??? i live in iraq and we have an excellent standard of living now

NotQuiteNorma · 28/01/2024 10:06

Perhaps it's time he stopped sending money back that he can't afford. Depending on what country, his family are possibly getting a much better lifestyle there out if his £400+ a month than he is getting here. I understand it's also culturally ingrained that he should financially support the family back home but if you are in debt and can't afford home office fees then he isn't in a position to keep sending all this money back which is probably substantially raising their status in the community and the lifestyle they can afford back home while crippling him here.

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:10

LIZS · 28/01/2024 10:05

My mistake, how long has he been here and with you in a relationship? There may be a cultural expectation for him to subsidise those back home as they assume he is earning a lot and particularly having met you. Is he perhaps not telling them the truth?

Oh yes the cultural expectation is there.
Dp would have been sent back if he hadn't met me. I'm not sure how he would have got on back home but his friends and relatives are on extremely low wages.
Dp was a overstayer unfortunately but he's come a long way since then and learnt his lesson. I've helped him so much.

OP posts:
hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 10:12

NotQuiteNorma · 28/01/2024 10:06

Perhaps it's time he stopped sending money back that he can't afford. Depending on what country, his family are possibly getting a much better lifestyle there out if his £400+ a month than he is getting here. I understand it's also culturally ingrained that he should financially support the family back home but if you are in debt and can't afford home office fees then he isn't in a position to keep sending all this money back which is probably substantially raising their status in the community and the lifestyle they can afford back home while crippling him here.

That's unlikely given the whole reason he moved to uk was to probably send money back and help his family

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:13

PonyPatter44 · 28/01/2024 10:05

I know there are huge cultural expectations around sending money home - but £400/month when he is on NMW is ludicrous. He needs to speak to his family and explain (and probably explain, and explain, and explain, and they STILL won't accept it...) - but it has to be done.

It might be worth you reapplying for PIP - I know its hard to get but if you are so incapacitated by your disability that you cannot work reliably then you should have some recourse to support. Autism / ADHD charities may be able to help you with the best way to fill the forms in.

DH needs to find a way to improve his skills sharpish. Driving lessons are really expensive, so that might have to wait, but he can concentrate on improving his other work skills. A lot of warehouse work pays more than minimum wage, especially if you do the unsocial hours - is that a possibility for him?

Dp will do anything that's necessary he is settled where he is at the moment and it's in walking distance so no travel costs that's why he stays but we are just praying and hoping he doesn't lose the job

OP posts:
Oliotya · 28/01/2024 10:17

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:10

Oh yes the cultural expectation is there.
Dp would have been sent back if he hadn't met me. I'm not sure how he would have got on back home but his friends and relatives are on extremely low wages.
Dp was a overstayer unfortunately but he's come a long way since then and learnt his lesson. I've helped him so much.

Show quote history

He is going to have to choose though, at least in the short term. If he won't prioritize paying for his visa, he won't have a visa.

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:19

Pip would improve my life so much.
I'm not looking to just sit at home on benefits I can't work enough hours due to my conditions I get tired and overwhelmed so I just need a bit of financial support. I really struggle with phone calls and obviously pip entails an assessment by phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:24

Me and dp are paying our way and sending money to his country and that's all very well whilst we are working but due to visa fees debts and unsecured work we could easily become destitute at anytime. Any money we save would be needed as backup not to go on visa fees I'm so depressed.

OP posts:
NorthCliffs · 28/01/2024 10:24

Is this the cobbler guy?

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:30

NorthCliffs · 28/01/2024 10:24

Is this the cobbler guy?

He did shoemaking in his home country yes

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 28/01/2024 10:31

I really struggle with phone calls and obviously pip entails an assessment by phone

Someone else can speak for you. You just have to be there with them to give permission.

Oliotya · 28/01/2024 10:35

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:24

Me and dp are paying our way and sending money to his country and that's all very well whilst we are working but due to visa fees debts and unsecured work we could easily become destitute at anytime. Any money we save would be needed as backup not to go on visa fees I'm so depressed.

You are not destitute if you are sending £400 a month home. Save that between now and December, that almost all the fee covered. I can sympathize, the fees are not fare, the requirements are discriminatory, but they are transparent and mostly non negotiable.
You have to work within the system, whether that's meeting the requirements or taking the necessary steps for exemption

LIZS · 28/01/2024 10:38

Dp was a overstayer unfortunately but he's come a long way since then and learnt his lesson. I've helped him so much.

I think you have posted about him before. Has he claimed to be your carer in order to stay?

Whatapickle23 · 28/01/2024 10:44

Where is his home country and how long have you been together? If he has to financially support his family and can't do that here because he can't earn enough, then why can't you move to his country?

I also just want to check what you mean when you say you've helped him so much and that you're in debt? I'm hearing you're a potentially vulnerable lady with health issues who is unable to work full time with a partner who you say remains in the country because he's better off financially here and then add on "and because of me". I'm sure you said earlier something about him being about to be sent back to his home country but then he conveniently met you and fell in love with you enough to want to stay here.

What I'm asking is are you sure he's not using you or exploiting you in any way? I apologise if I'm being out of order. There are plenty of people in happy, equal relationships with a partner who visa issues and it's just one of those things but your posts rang alarm bells for me.

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:45

Oliotya · 28/01/2024 10:35

You are not destitute if you are sending £400 a month home. Save that between now and December, that almost all the fee covered. I can sympathize, the fees are not fare, the requirements are discriminatory, but they are transparent and mostly non negotiable.
You have to work within the system, whether that's meeting the requirements or taking the necessary steps for exemption

Show quote history

No but we could become destitute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:47

LIZS · 28/01/2024 10:38

Dp was a overstayer unfortunately but he's come a long way since then and learnt his lesson. I've helped him so much.

I think you have posted about him before. Has he claimed to be your carer in order to stay?

Not so much claimed to be my carer but it was mentioned in the application that I rely on him for emotional support

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:52

Whatapickle23 · 28/01/2024 10:44

Where is his home country and how long have you been together? If he has to financially support his family and can't do that here because he can't earn enough, then why can't you move to his country?

I also just want to check what you mean when you say you've helped him so much and that you're in debt? I'm hearing you're a potentially vulnerable lady with health issues who is unable to work full time with a partner who you say remains in the country because he's better off financially here and then add on "and because of me". I'm sure you said earlier something about him being about to be sent back to his home country but then he conveniently met you and fell in love with you enough to want to stay here.

What I'm asking is are you sure he's not using you or exploiting you in any way? I apologise if I'm being out of order. There are plenty of people in happy, equal relationships with a partner who visa issues and it's just one of those things but your posts rang alarm bells for me.

He isn't exploiting me he needed my help and he treats me well does his best for me etc etc. The debt is probably my fault unfortunately I've spent at Christmas etc and help my son at university etc etc. He's from Pakistan no way could I live there there are so many problems in Pakistan.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 28/01/2024 10:58

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 09:50

He sends £400 each month home it has been more and he has explained the situation we are in but they still moan and put him on a guilt trip especially if one of them is sick etc.

He needs to push back to his relatives at home. Tell them his own wife is sick and only works part time. Tell them he must save for next fee or he will be sent back to his own country and then there would be no more money home. Make them realise he must save this money and not borrow to get into more debt for it. You need to tell him to stop sending money home until he's saved up money and cleared debt.

Oliotya · 28/01/2024 10:58

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 10:45

No but we could become destitute.

Show quote history

Well, perhaps, but saving that £400 would help if you are concerned about the fees.

How does he anticipate you will handle the visa renewal? Is he content to overstay again? Is he expecting you to get further into debt?

Is he your child's father?

macedoniann · 28/01/2024 11:03

I remember you OP. YABVVU.
Isn't he also supporting 6 grown adults or something? HIs siblings AND their grown ass adult kids because he 'promised his dad' or some BS like that.
Last time you moaned about having no money, you were given a lot of good advice. Yet here you are again moaning about the exact same issue.
You can get together the 4.5K in less than a year if your DP keeps the £400.

If you won't tell your DP to stop supporting his relatives I don't know what else we can do. You claimed his family would starve etc etc but then they looked well fed and clothed on calls, people here who have experience told you , you were being taken for a mug. You absolutely ignored them.

Why are you so scared of telling your DP off. It's not like he can leave you without being kicked out of the UK.

caringcarer · 28/01/2024 11:10

I've just had a thought. Where in UK do you live? In the North housing is cheaper. My elder son lives in Hull and bought a 2 bedroom terraced house for just £75k and it's decorated nicely. His mortgage is really low. In the Midlands warehouse workers get paid about £13 per hour so above minimum wage and get training on forklift trucks etc. They can earn more by working overtime or doing shift work. I know this because my youngest son does it. Would it be beneficial to either move to an area of cheap housing or better paid work for those with fewer qualifications. My son has good A level including Maths but prefers the more physical work and has no dependents so can manage his mortgage in the Midlands.