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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homeoffice fees

347 replies

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 09:17

Dp is on limited leave to remain and we are so upset at what it's going to cost to renew for another 2.5 years. It's in the region of £4500. We both feel like our lives are wrecked and I feel like there is no point in my life anymore. I'm on zero hour contract as I'm unwell due to autism/adhd plus other conditions I can't work more hours and dp is full-time minimum wage we are not entitled to any benefits.
On top of all of this dp has dependants although mostly grown up in his home country who put immense pressure on him to help financially due to poor earnings.
I don't know what to do about this situation but I feel like checking out of my life but I feel so bad for dp who is a very good person.

OP posts:
Grilledsquid · 28/01/2024 17:09

I just can believe none of the advice from last time helped.
No new job - there were recommendations for very open employers
No help for bit better money job from community - they do have contacts and would help one of their own often
And so on. It was quite a big thread iirc

1smallhamsterfoot · 28/01/2024 17:17

Well when he gets sent back his family won’t get any money will they do he needs to tell them no

murasaki · 28/01/2024 17:18

I wonder if one of the sisters on the video call is in fact his wife.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 17:50

@Wouldyouguess i live in iraq. i make my home where i can pay my way and afford to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It may not have been somewhere i chose to live but you do what you have to.

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 17:54

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 17:50

@Wouldyouguess i live in iraq. i make my home where i can pay my way and afford to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. It may not have been somewhere i chose to live but you do what you have to.

That is actually a really daft comment.
Good for you, but if I went to Iraq I would not be able to live nor work there, so what is the point of that.
I could go back to my home country and be much worse off than I am now. No way I would be able to find employment that pays even close to what I get here and we're not massively well off. Would you advise the same to refugees who struggle to surviuve here, hey guys, go back to Rwanda or Syria, you may not chose to go back to homeland but you will not be moved from hostel to hostel every week? Amazing.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 18:02

@Wouldyouguess
If you moved to iraq you are
likely to find a job paying roughly 2-3k a minth. English is the language medium in International schools, hospitals and oil companies..and the pay expats a lot more.

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 18:16

@hangingonfordearlife1
I had friends who moved to Middle East and Southeast Asia for work. Some loved it but some trully didnt. I have friends who didnt save that much by living in Quatar and around working in international schools and recently the situation seems to have worsened in the amount of paperwork, fees and the contracts do not seem to be as lucrative. Not to mention that I have a disabled kid so living abroad, hard as living in the UK is, is not for us.
Living abroad is complex, the fact person A thrives does not mean person B will too, there are complex reasons why many people stay in a certain area.

LIZS · 28/01/2024 18:32

Also you should reflect on why you so dependant on him that he is your sole source of support and how the stress of the situation is making your mh decline. Has your relationship with him been to the exclusion of activities beyond work and others being in your life, including your ds. How much of your earned income goes on him and the £400 he chooses to send back. Might you, in reality, be better off without him?

murasaki · 28/01/2024 18:35

That's a very good point. If you weren't worried about this, your mental health might be better, and you could live a better life.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 18:38

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 18:16

@hangingonfordearlife1
I had friends who moved to Middle East and Southeast Asia for work. Some loved it but some trully didnt. I have friends who didnt save that much by living in Quatar and around working in international schools and recently the situation seems to have worsened in the amount of paperwork, fees and the contracts do not seem to be as lucrative. Not to mention that I have a disabled kid so living abroad, hard as living in the UK is, is not for us.
Living abroad is complex, the fact person A thrives does not mean person B will too, there are complex reasons why many people stay in a certain area.

i do understand what you were saying but i didn't have much choice. we were in similar situation to OP and had to choose. We had two small kids and was literally hunting around for coins to put on the electric.

Luckily we both managed to get really good jobs and kids are in a good school that teaches the British curriculum. I'm happy now but hasn't always been the case.

My point was if he isn't surviving well here maybe it would be better for them to both go back- if they want to be together and avoid visa costs

Wouldyouguess · 28/01/2024 19:19

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 18:38

i do understand what you were saying but i didn't have much choice. we were in similar situation to OP and had to choose. We had two small kids and was literally hunting around for coins to put on the electric.

Luckily we both managed to get really good jobs and kids are in a good school that teaches the British curriculum. I'm happy now but hasn't always been the case.

My point was if he isn't surviving well here maybe it would be better for them to both go back- if they want to be together and avoid visa costs

Show quote history

It's a bit of a lottery. Would the DP be better off at home where he may be able to get no job? Is his family supportive or would they still take every penny he earns?
I know maybe it's projecting a bit, but we had someone in family who literally had to escape from home as abusive parents took every single thing he earned or would sell possessions to fund their lifestyle, and the only way he could stop that was moving as far as he could.
I suppose it's not always a choice between "have a shit life here or a good life elsewhere"- the 'good life' may not be so easy to get, and if you are a person of colour, there are many places that would not see him as valuable.
Maybe going home would be a good thing, or maybe not. If there is indeed a wife and kids home (or even if he is expected to fund a big extended family), there is a good reason he is here putting money aside for them as presumably back home he would not be having £400 quid a month to give them. Made me think of a friend whose half a village chipped in for his visa expenses to come from India to the UK and he was sending back most of his earnings to pay them all back and also they expected extra for the trouble. You never know.

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 19:39

Average wage in Pakistan is about £225 a month it seems so he is sending the equivalent of almost 2 salaries. This is like some sending 4 grand to the UK every month based on the average monthly wage here. His family are completely taking the piss.

I think you have to stop seeing this as your burden. This is your partners problem, he is choosing to prioritise sending money home over saving for his visa. Let him make his choices and let him deal with the consequences. You need to start concentrating on yourself now and think about how you managed before you met this man and how you will manage if he has to leave. Look after yourself because he is putting other people first.

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 19:44

hangingonfordearlife1 · 28/01/2024 18:38

i do understand what you were saying but i didn't have much choice. we were in similar situation to OP and had to choose. We had two small kids and was literally hunting around for coins to put on the electric.

Luckily we both managed to get really good jobs and kids are in a good school that teaches the British curriculum. I'm happy now but hasn't always been the case.

My point was if he isn't surviving well here maybe it would be better for them to both go back- if they want to be together and avoid visa costs

Show quote history

The OP is autistic though and struggling enough in this country, I really don't think she'd cope in a country where she doesn't speak the language and the culture is completely alien to her. Not to mention her son is in the UK and she'd be leaving him. I think moving to Pakistan is the last thing she should do.

Nevermind31 · 28/01/2024 19:59

OP, in the nicest possible way… what are you hoping to get out of this? Your low skilled DP overstayed his visa. Yet he gets to stay. You are not happy about your living situation and having to pay fees to deal with his visa, yet he chooses to send £400 home each month.
you sound like you think it is unfair that no one wants to pay for his training or give him a better paying position taking into consideration his responsibility to his family at home.
you don’t have responsibility to his family. He will need to think about how he can find his life and visa fees without leaning on a vulnerable person.

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 20:09

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 19:44

The OP is autistic though and struggling enough in this country, I really don't think she'd cope in a country where she doesn't speak the language and the culture is completely alien to her. Not to mention her son is in the UK and she'd be leaving him. I think moving to Pakistan is the last thing she should do.

Show quote history

Spot on

OP posts:
Tattletwat · 28/01/2024 20:13

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 19:44

The OP is autistic though and struggling enough in this country, I really don't think she'd cope in a country where she doesn't speak the language and the culture is completely alien to her. Not to mention her son is in the UK and she'd be leaving him. I think moving to Pakistan is the last thing she should do.

Show quote history

Absolutely I don't think she should move there, but unless he stops sending money he will be going back there anyhow and OP will need to go with him if she wants to stay with him.

Sinuhe · 28/01/2024 20:34

Having read this thread, OP the only sensible option is: RUN!
You are a cash cow for this man and his family.

Leaving is hard, as you see him as the only support you have. But this man isn't the answer to your problems, if anything he has added some more. There is no evidence that he's actually supporting you with your MH issues. He's making you dependent, not independent.

Sorry, but I hope the HO will make the decision for you and send him back to Pakistan.

murasaki · 28/01/2024 21:07

I don't believe he'd want her to go to Pakistan so that point is probably redundant.

OP, please do read these posts which are only trying to help you.

Original poster
Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 21:14

I am finding some of the advice extremely upsetting I've given 8 years to this man.
He is genuine but stuck on a guilt trip

OP posts:
murasaki · 28/01/2024 21:18

Google the sunk cost fallacy, OP.

He is already an over stayer, the Home Office will not look kindly on him, and he is taking funds from you by being here in that you could claim benefits if he weren't here and have full access to them.

LIZS · 28/01/2024 21:19

Sunk costs fallacy. Has your quality of life improved or reduced with him in tow? Maybe you should contact Womens Aid to get more perspective on your situation and support. What would his reaction be to you suggesting relocating?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/01/2024 21:24

It's understandable to find it upsetting, OP - after all it's a difficult situation you're in - but all the advice genuinely seems well intentioned to me

As you say you've given him eight years, but maybe it's time to look into the sunk costs fallacy before investing any more (and I'm certainly not talking about just money)

https://www.adrtimes.com/sunk-cost-fallacy-relationships/#:~:text=Sunk%20cost%20fallacy%20describes%20the,romantic%20relationships%20and%20business%20relationships.

Sunk Cost Fallacy Relationships - ADR Times

All of us will find ourselves in a sunk-cost fallacy relationship at some point. Click here to learn what they are, how to spot them & how to untangle from them

https://www.adrtimes.com/sunk-cost-fallacy-relationships#:~:text=Sunk%20cost%20fallacy%20describes%20the,romantic%20relationships%20and%20business%20relationships.

Londonrach1 · 28/01/2024 21:27

I agree...money going to wife and children in his home country and he wasting your money and time op. Time to look after yourself and your son op. That's more important than this guy who is using you. Please follow the advice that's been offered to you

KatherineParr · 28/01/2024 21:38

OP, I also remember your previous posts, and like another poster, I've been wondering what you want to get out of this given the advice is pretty unanimous across these threads.

I could be wrong but I think you know deep down that this situation isn't right. I think you're hoping that if you post just one more time then posters will ease your fears and validate that he is not using you and that he's a victim of circumstance. I don't think we're going to give you that. There is no way out of this that doesn't require him to stop financing his overseas relatives, and however many months since you first posted, he hasn't done so. Like others, I am suspicious that you do not have the full picture here. Regardless, he does not make your wellbeing his priority and quite honestly, you deserve better.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/01/2024 22:35

Wouldyouguess · Today 16:01

@MrsSkylerWhite out of curiosity- is an immigrnt pays taxes, what 'support' do you think the country is offering them back that rationalise the cost of £4500 for renewal of fees every few years?”

I’m assuming from OP’s description of their financial circumstances that her partner pays little if any tax.