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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Homeoffice fees

347 replies

Lucky2shoes · 28/01/2024 09:17

Dp is on limited leave to remain and we are so upset at what it's going to cost to renew for another 2.5 years. It's in the region of £4500. We both feel like our lives are wrecked and I feel like there is no point in my life anymore. I'm on zero hour contract as I'm unwell due to autism/adhd plus other conditions I can't work more hours and dp is full-time minimum wage we are not entitled to any benefits.
On top of all of this dp has dependants although mostly grown up in his home country who put immense pressure on him to help financially due to poor earnings.
I don't know what to do about this situation but I feel like checking out of my life but I feel so bad for dp who is a very good person.

OP posts:
Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:31

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:28

Well I'm like thousands of others in the country it's not unique to me because I'm with my dp and have taken on his situation.
The government are pissing all over our own

How are they pissing over their own he is a overstayer who couldn't follow the rules.

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:33

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:31

How are they pissing over their own he is a overstayer who couldn't follow the rules.

Obviously he made a mistake we acknowledge that but that's now in the past it doesn't mean they should milk people dry

OP posts:
murasaki · 29/01/2024 18:38

He didn't make a mistake, he deliberately overstayed. You need to acknowledge that.

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:41

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:33

Obviously he made a mistake we acknowledge that but that's now in the past it doesn't mean they should milk people dry

And he has a choice not to accept these fees and go home, that's the long and short of it.

He has income to be able to pay these fees, he knew these fees were coming even though they have increased did he save anything towards them as surely he should already have some saved.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/01/2024 18:42

IHS surcharge is also going to double this year

Glad to hear it - considering that many coming to fill needed jobs are already exempt, it seems only right that those able to offer much less should contribute somehow

Especially if they're coming from a country where the health stats are sadly dreadful

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:42

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:31

I know I know but it wouldn't be fair to abandon him now he is trying.

He abandoned his kids after his wife died, he isn't this great man you make him out to be.

Asf123 · 29/01/2024 18:43

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:33

Obviously he made a mistake we acknowledge that but that's now in the past it doesn't mean they should milk people dry

Hi
I have sent you a private DM

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:44

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:41

And he has a choice not to accept these fees and go home, that's the long and short of it.

He has income to be able to pay these fees, he knew these fees were coming even though they have increased did he save anything towards them as surely he should already have some saved.

He doesn't want to go home 1 because he doesn't want to leave me and 2 because conditions in his home country are not good He paid a visit last year and become ill due to the climate I don't think he would cope there anymore.
We tried to save but we had a serious of unexpected expenses and it took a while for him to find a job

OP posts:
Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:46

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:42

He abandoned his kids after his wife died, he isn't this great man you make him out to be.

No he left them in capable hands and came here to make a better life for them

OP posts:
Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 18:56

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:44

He doesn't want to go home 1 because he doesn't want to leave me and 2 because conditions in his home country are not good He paid a visit last year and become ill due to the climate I don't think he would cope there anymore.
We tried to save but we had a serious of unexpected expenses and it took a while for him to find a job

Well he is going to have to curtail the money sending back then other wise he will be going back by being deported and it will be really hard to come back then. So either he has to find the money or go home.

Also conditions in his own country aren't good but he's abandoned a young girl there.

People don't want to be harsh but I think it's what you need.

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:02

She's with his sisters and quite happy he keeps in contact and tries to visit although not possible this year due to trying to save the fees which has caused arguments

OP posts:
Simonjt · 29/01/2024 19:08

I’m from Pakistan, £400 is a lot of money, the average monthly wage in Pakistan is about £200. So sending £400 is the equivalent of sending someone on the UK about £4000 a month. £400 a month in Pakistan provides a very good standard of living, including in a large family. Sending £100 a month would make a significant difference.

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:13

Simonjt · 29/01/2024 19:08

I’m from Pakistan, £400 is a lot of money, the average monthly wage in Pakistan is about £200. So sending £400 is the equivalent of sending someone on the UK about £4000 a month. £400 a month in Pakistan provides a very good standard of living, including in a large family. Sending £100 a month would make a significant difference.

Thank you thats a very useful insight because they seem to go through it rapidly.

OP posts:
WhatACluster · 29/01/2024 19:14

I have just read this entire thread…

A lot of posters have made some really valid points however the op just wants everyone to agree with her…

Sadly I suspect the op will get a loan and pay the fees, and will be back in the same situation again and again and then once it’s all Been sorted he will leave her 🤷‍♀️

MarmiteWine · 29/01/2024 19:15

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 18:28

Well I'm like thousands of others in the country it's not unique to me because I'm with my dp and have taken on his situation.
The government are pissing all over our own

OP, I can't help but think you're being deliberately goady now.

You're talking as though the situation was thrust upon you, but the truth of the matter is that it's all down to decisions you've made. However misguided those decisions were, you had full agency.

My memory of the timeline from your previous posts is sketchy, but I believe you were fully aware of his immigration status from the beginning of your relationship. From an early stage you seem to have cast yourself in a role of "saving" him from having to return to Pakistan.

You've said also that he's trying to better himself and shouldn't be judged for doing unskilled, minimum wage, work. But (again, based on memory) he's been in the UK for over 12 years now and hasn't managed to work on his written English, pass his driving test, or improve his employability in any other way in that time. Things aren't likely to change in that department now.

You talk, in your own words, of being forced to live in a "poky" 1 bedroomed flat with no heating, but have posted elsewhere about a foreign holiday just a few months ago, and surviving on takeaways rather than cook your own meals. I'm aware you have some health conditions that restrict your energy and capacity, but this is something your partner could be doing.

All of that aside, the fees aren't going to go away. So the choices are to increase household income by your partner finding extra work, or to reduce your household outgoings. The family's circumstances in Pakistan aren't the same as they were 8 years (oer more) ago as both sons are now working and don't need the same level of financial support.

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:21

MarmiteWine · 29/01/2024 19:15

OP, I can't help but think you're being deliberately goady now.

You're talking as though the situation was thrust upon you, but the truth of the matter is that it's all down to decisions you've made. However misguided those decisions were, you had full agency.

My memory of the timeline from your previous posts is sketchy, but I believe you were fully aware of his immigration status from the beginning of your relationship. From an early stage you seem to have cast yourself in a role of "saving" him from having to return to Pakistan.

You've said also that he's trying to better himself and shouldn't be judged for doing unskilled, minimum wage, work. But (again, based on memory) he's been in the UK for over 12 years now and hasn't managed to work on his written English, pass his driving test, or improve his employability in any other way in that time. Things aren't likely to change in that department now.

You talk, in your own words, of being forced to live in a "poky" 1 bedroomed flat with no heating, but have posted elsewhere about a foreign holiday just a few months ago, and surviving on takeaways rather than cook your own meals. I'm aware you have some health conditions that restrict your energy and capacity, but this is something your partner could be doing.

All of that aside, the fees aren't going to go away. So the choices are to increase household income by your partner finding extra work, or to reduce your household outgoings. The family's circumstances in Pakistan aren't the same as they were 8 years (oer more) ago as both sons are now working and don't need the same level of financial support.

I'm not been goady but it's not nice people stereotyping and presuming he's using me.

OP posts:
Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:23

I also feel like this thread as run it's course

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/01/2024 19:25

They seem to go through (the money he sends) rapidly

That's understandable, OP; considering he's sending 2x the average salary each month they'll doubtless think you're as rich as Croesus and there's plenty more where that came from

However you did say yesterday that "I'm not scared of telling him to reduce money sent back home and he agrees this needs to be done", so was it just words to keep you subbing him or has he made plans to tell them this yet?

murasaki · 29/01/2024 19:30

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:23

I also feel like this thread as run it's course

It probably has. See you back here in 6 months when you haven't changed a thing and still can't afford the HO fees.

PonyPatter44 · 29/01/2024 19:31

Why doesn't he bring his daughter over? Her prospects would be much better here than in a poor backward family in Pakistan. She could learn English, go to college, get a decent job - it would seem a good solution for them all.

SportMum1982 · 29/01/2024 19:36

@Lucky2shoes I told you already £400 is a ridiculous amount of money in Pakistan.

like PP said he’s been here 12 years, trust me there is a lot he could have done in that time.

Do you like to rescue people? Does it make you feel wanted? Validated?

Honestly he’s just sucking the life out of you to feed his family at home.

Simonjt · 29/01/2024 19:37

PonyPatter44 · 29/01/2024 19:31

Why doesn't he bring his daughter over? Her prospects would be much better here than in a poor backward family in Pakistan. She could learn English, go to college, get a decent job - it would seem a good solution for them all.

Backward family? She could learn English, go to college and get a decent job in Pakistan you know.

Oliotya · 29/01/2024 19:40

PonyPatter44 · 29/01/2024 19:31

Why doesn't he bring his daughter over? Her prospects would be much better here than in a poor backward family in Pakistan. She could learn English, go to college, get a decent job - it would seem a good solution for them all.

Backward? Why exactly are they backwards and what exactly do you mean by it?
Racism abounds.

macedoniann · 29/01/2024 19:41

Simonjt · 29/01/2024 19:37

Backward family? She could learn English, go to college and get a decent job in Pakistan you know.

Highly unlikely with this family's work ethic.
The DP has a 24 year old child and one close to adulthood. Still relying on handouts.
Seems like he's going to support them forever.

macedoniann · 29/01/2024 19:42

Lucky2shoes · 29/01/2024 19:21

I'm not been goady but it's not nice people stereotyping and presuming he's using me.

They're not stereotyping. It's comments based on his actions.
As a PP said see you here in 6+ months with yet another similar issue. Good luck and have fun.

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