To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

Thanks for all the support and tips. I've been reading them all and this has been an intervention for me.

Spent Sunday putting some little notes on doors and other stuff I forget. Written a morning and evening check list, and updated my home list.

It's been useful to understand how frustrating it must be for DH to do the mental load and follow up after me. We do have a bit of a parent / child thing going on and DH does feel I must not respect him enough to carry on like this and he thinks if I just tried harder I would be able to do this shit. He does need to stop going on about it. We did have a bit of a chat about it and my perspective and although he didn't agree he has just suggested I take some time tonight and relax.

I do have a responsible job (Director level) that I so well and have been promoted this year but I do work really really hard to perform and I know DH does think if I applied the same level of effort/focus I could get home stuff sorted. Work has always been important to me and whatever level I've been at I've given it 100% and this has always been a source of tension but at least now I get a half decent paycheck for my efforts.

In terms of DH being a lazy sod. I would appreciate a bit more help with the 'ongoing maintenance' work but he does do the 'moving stuff forward' stuff like house improvements, in a way I find it easier to do the housework, washing, cooking as I can just turn my brain off and do it whatever kind of fog I'm in and would rather do that than research house insurance or liaise with builders etc which he does, which often happens at the weekend. He also does the school drop off and the kids mainly get the bus getting home 4ish so he does some of the after school too. We do take this in turns as I try to WFH Fridays and in the week if I can. He would say he takes a big load doing that kids stuff most days. We take it on turns on some of the clubs etc. If he had to take the dog out in the morning too the poor dog just wouldn't get enough exercise as I do 20-30 mins and he couldn't fit this in. TBH I think getting more sleep is about the evening and getting to bed earlier as I quite like my time with dog in the mornings especially when I get to see the sun come up and seasons changing as we are super rural.

In terms of why we don't eat together. We do on Fridays and weekend but in the week the kids usually get their own tea with some oversight. We get easy to make meals (ramen/gyoza, pasta and sauce, jacket potato) before I get accused of leaving them with fridge raiders and cheese strings. Then I do adult food when I get in, DH often goes for a run so not home until 8/9 so we do eat late and always have done. I love cooking and do quite a few meals from scratch (not always) but could do more batch cooking. Going to treat myself to a slow cooker so maybe that will change my life!

In terms of whether I've always been like this. Probably yes. I've always been ditzy and forgetful and disorganised and I've always made up for this at work by working like a dog and being cheerful and reasonably intelligent.

I think I am just fucking exhausted which has brought this to a head. Also probably perimenopausal and also waiting for a Hip replacement which also affects my sleep. DH is not great at empathy and I've always known this. This may be neurological too. He does care about me and is an amazing Dad. I know some people will be LTB and when I posted I was angry and fed up and I probably wanted to read some of this to feel justified but in reality I want to make it work. We do always have a laugh when we're not feeling resentment and spending proper time together on a night out and not knackered. I am MUCH better at remembering shit when I'm on holiday for more than a few days and start to focus on family rather than work.

Anyway thanks to all. I don't post on MN that often and it's always useful if a bit hard to read sometimes.

I was thinking all of this! When we are home and letting the dog in and out the door is never locked, why would it be, it’s constantly being opened and closed. Unless in a high crime area why the big deal?

The handbrake, why is everyone all up in high arms over this one? Yes, it is helpful but it is an emergency brake… Shebhas clarified that it sparked in a fenced in area on a flat space so really, not the end of the world to leave it off. As long as the vehicle is in gear it’s not going anywhere unless your vehicles are somehow made different then ours?

The cups are just tiredness and not thinking. It happens. No need for constant apologies, shit happens. Life goes on. Get a mat or some coasters for it.

Why make two teas? Have a family one! Better for the kids anyway. You would save so much time and mental energy.

If I came off my meds then I would definitely have seizures which means no driving. I just can't risk, my meds help me no doubt

That’s awful … he’s infantilising you it makes me feel anxious just reading your post. I do stupid things sometimes, really brilliant things most of the time and thank god I don’t have anyone watching over me or judging me. What you are putting up with is awful.
you stand to lose confidence in your abilities which isn’t fair. It’s a kind of gaslighting and harmful. Far more harmful than any of your small lapses that no one would ever know about except yourself which you would tend to correct naturally. It’s a shame because you will come to hate him and if he had any wisdom that would be far more damaging to his life than these everyday occasional lapses. tell him he is not being loving or supportive and he’s treating you like a child which is unacceptable and a fault far greater than your little ones.

Do you have ADHD?? I do have ADHD-I (inattentive type aka ADD) and I forget things all the time.. I know other people with same type as I have and they do similar. I can agree to not put the cups on the chest and I fully understand why but when it comes to it it’s just not in the front of my head and I just don’t remember that I shouldn’t and why I shouldn’t..
a lot of these “little” things I just forget.. I could forget to lock the door if it’s open at all times unless we leave.. currently I’ve taught myself to lock the door when I come in (I live in an apartment so only have 1 entrance door though).. I don’t drive so I honestly can’t imagine not putting the car on the handbreak.. but you can train yourself to remember.. it takes work.

that said, if this is the case and your husband knows this he’s being an ass for making you go into full apologetic mode..

I can understand that entirely, but posted because just realising that that may be part of the reason could help. In dh's case he was still having regular seizures anyway so had nothing to lose.

I was doing reply to a response and it didn’t work. It was basically saying why can’t the door be unlocked and if it’s in your driveway who cares!

it absolutely could be your meds. Not saying go off them but you should see your dr and see if something could help you. Whether it be therapy or a different drug or a counteracting drug. The slippery slope though. Therapy could help you come up with coping mechanisms and healthier approach for the whole family. Your husband isn’t dealing with it well demanding full apologies. That isn’t helpful as you are not doing it intentionally and the more he comes done in you the worse you will get as you will be more anxious with is a nasty cycle. Sometimes the more we try to do something the more likely we won’t be able to. It’s a weird as mental thing.

I'm very concerned he's made a nervous wreck of you OP

It's sounds like you genuinely can't remember these things and your DH is chastising you like you're choosing not to and reacting disproportionally. Marks on tables cups are not more important then you! Hand break and back door ok sure but nothing actually happened, just could haves.

During the warm weather my back door is open all the time, even if I’ve gone out. I often leave it so the dog can come in and out. We live quite rurally but with a couple of close neighbours and we all look out for each other. Very secure garden, absolutely fine so far.

I never have to bother with the handbrake in my car because I have an automatic with an electronic parking brake that engages when it’s put in park. I haven’t put a handbrake on in years. Could you try an auto? To be fair I would assume most cars have electronic parking brakes these days.

If my dh told me off and expected an apology for leaving a wet mark on the furniture he would be told in no uncertain terms to fuck off. What are you, twelve?

if you are on topirimate or similar for epilepsy it causes 'cognitive impairment'. I was on it for 5 years and by the end I could not speak words properly and was in trouble at work. Try to get meds reviewed. and good luck.

@Fizzyrosie Epilepsy and ADHD are often comorbid - something like 10% of people with ADHD also have epilepsy. It really sounds like inattentive ADHD to me. And your husband needs to be more forgiving and compassionate.

We do have a bit of a parent / child thing going on...

You really should not accept this, @Fizzyrosie. Can you learn to stand up for yourself and make it clear to him that this is unacceptable?

By all means implement strategies for being less 'forgetful', but being treated like a child is not on.

I concur with another poster - get your meds reviewed. There may be another antiepilectic medication that will suit you better.

Honestly? It's YOU. Stop apologizing and make some props to help you remember the things that have to be remembered for safety or security. It is exhausting to have to parent an adult as well as children. Trust me your husband is resenting you for making him feel like the only grown up in the house. Sorry, but I'm in his situation in my house and I massively resent my partner for it. The near misses, the expense of lost and broken things, the sheer chaos of people who can't stay organized is really draining on their nearest and dearest.

I’m pretty forgetful too, and occasionally clumsy although my husband just laughs at this as it’s just one of my quirks. I do try hard not to be. I have quite a responsible job and I’m constantly writing notes to myself all day long to remember things but when I get home I relax and I’m just not as focused. Things like forgetting to lock the back door before I come to bed or forget to put the bins out on the correct day..I think my brain is just wired differently, I’m in my 40’s now and have been like this since I can remember. One thing I’ve never, ever forgotten is to put my hand brake on! That is drummed into you on your driving lessons and 100% a fail on a driving test. I wouldn’t call it a minor lapse in memory.
that being said if my husband was constantly picking up on every clumsy forgetful thing I did it would make me so anxious and unsettled I’d end up making even more mistakes.

Hmm. Do you have one of these modern cars where the handbrake is just a little button thing? I keep having issues with mine - it's something to do with you have to have your foot off the clutch before you engage it - or vice versa - and if you do it in the wrong order it disengages. IMO very dangerous - I've done it several times, DH has too, and my sister came round last week and did the same in her car. The old fashioned pull up ones are miles safer I think.

That said - I have now learnt and every time I park I check the handbrake after I get out. But I don't feel as though I should have to.....

Your DH sounds very naggy - but he also sounds like me when my DH keeps walking mud into the utility, or leaving crumbs on the table. You need to sit down and have a chat about what is actually important, and you need to address - and what he needs to learn to live with. You shouldn't be apologising over and over - either stop doing things if they matter, or own them if they don't.

@Fizzyrosie your DH is justified in being really annoyed that you say you’ll do things and then you don’t.

At the same time, the apology performances he seems to expect is wrong. And YANBU to have a problem with that. These seem designed to degrade you, rather than fix the problems for him.

Are these mistakes mostly objective mistakes? Or not doing things his way?

Not putting the handbrake on is an objective mistake. Putting a glass in the wrong cupboard is an objective mistake. The back door being unlocked while you are at home is not an objective mistake. Not using a coaster is not an objective mistake.

You need a serious, uninterrupted conversation with your DH. You need to explain that you aren’t coping and need to not be constantly anxious and feeling like s**t - and that the current approach is not working for anyone as he’s constantly angry at your “mistakes” and you are constantly anxious. You need to identify together what is unimportant (coasters! Put covers on things if he’s so worried about marking the furniture), and both agree to let those things go. For things that matter - what can YOU do to remove the tasks? Eg your door - put in a PIN code lock that automatically engages - you can’t lock yourself out. Remove as much of the workload of remembering whatever you can. Just make sure you are taking in the workload of doing these things - don’t push it to your DH since it is to help you with not messing things up.

Then you need to work really hard at getting the important things right. Look into resources for adhd management (you don’t need to have adhd to benefit from the task management advice) - does that help? Would signs or alarms help?

You do sound chronically tired - 6 hours is light, getting to bed at midnight is really late. Where can you cut back? I think you need to claw back at least an hour each night during the week - something has to give (tv? Separate dinners? ). Make sleep a priority - your brain really does work better. Lack of sleep has similar affects to drinking.

You need to take steps to correct the behavior and not just apologize over and over. You can ask for help in establishing good habits. Surely you have friends or family who can help you.

We are rural and locking the door is not vital. Certainly not if you are walking for an hour or gardening (out of sight of house).

These errors or the mistakes you mention later on are accidents and for the most part innocuous. He is being controlling. The implication is that he is in charge and for things to run smoothly, you need to apologise to him. It sounds like there is a real imbalance of power here.

You sound exhausted and burnt out.

You have disabilities which dp and posters should be more thoughtful of.

I think your life needs to be simplified with more sleep, rest and fewer demands made of you.

My son has ADD and after reading up I suspect I do…. I find it really difficult to remember where I put things and little things as you describe. Have you considered you could be too? Aside from that I don’t know why your husband demands an apology to him - you didn’t mean to do it and probably can’t help how you are so I’d tell him no more he should know you didn’t mean it and your not going to fulsomely apologise for every little thing. Sounds like it’s dragging you down.

Your epilepsy meds are the most obvious cause of your forgetfulness. That and your tiredness and perimenopause. Your DH needs to cease demanding an apology as that is pointless and just causing further upset. Can you afford more help - ie a cleaner and dog walker? And might you try Gousto / Hello Fresh / Mindful Chef to decrease the shopping / cooking burden somewhat?

I was coming on to suggest that you could be peri or full menopausal if you've been able to remember things like locking the back door and putting the handbrake on etc. up to now.

I also think that things like putting hot cups/mugs on wooden furniture, for things like that, I'd have drinks coasters all over the house and be able to reach one if I need it. Have a place for these in each room and just use them as you need to and when you're done, return to the 'home' in that room for the coasters.

Other things may have their own individual fixes that work for you and that mean you don't have to keep apologising to your DH any more.

I think it's interesting that you would have considered that not locking the back door or forgetting to use the handbrake in your own driveway (doesn't matter how flat it is, it should be muscle memory from when you learned how to drive and park) would be small things. On that score I'm definitely in Team DH.

Also to those people who said that they grew up in places where you could leave your house unlocked - I grew up in a similar type of neighbourhood until one day, we were in our back garden and someone entered our home, went to my mother's handbag on the kitchen table, stole my mother's wallet and all of her money in it for housekeeping and that stopped. Even back then it wasn't safe to leave doors unlocked, we just were more naive or trusting (not sure which) but there was still malicious intent out there and if someone could chance their arm, they probably did.

Read your update OP and from what you say the “load” does seem fairly split between you and dh.

However, he needs to put things into perspective and stop nit picking over the less important such as marks on the furniture.

As op said, you’re more important than a a piece of furniture and telling you off is pointless because you don’t do it on purpose.

You say you live “ super rural” so leaving the back door unlocked will likely have zero consequences.
I’m semi rural and I often forget to lock my front door at night.
No one tells me off for it and if they did I’d tell them to get a life.

If you lived in a city, that would be different.

I agree, you could get a slow cooker ( they’re amazing) and it would make your life easier.
DH could switch it on around 10 and the evening meal would be ready for when you get home. Just do one meal for all.

But enough of the constant apologies.
Tell your dh that treating you like a child is a complete turn- off.
Very unattractive and he needs to back off.

I'd go doctors if I was you op. Constantly forgetting to put the handbrake on and lock the door are big mistakes.