To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

Also, why should he help her remember? That immediately puts him in parent state and her in child, which is unhealthy in an adult relationship. It's something MNers usually hate when it's women having to "help" men improve their behaviour.

That's just idiotic whether it's the man or woman. People who think that way are in for a big shock when they get to old age. We all need help.

Until it isn't of course. A surprising number of deaths are caused by automatics left without handbrakes on in the US where it seems to be a regular practice. The actor Anton Yelchin was crushed to death by his automatic vehicle having not engaged his handbrake.

However, the big issue here appears to be that OP's current lifestyle involves her not having good sleep hygiene and having too much on her plate causing her to make regular and repeated mistakes of varying severity. She needs to make some changes herself here regardless of her DH's behaviour which obviously is not massively helpful, but isn't the reason she is making such a lot of mistakes.

Yep.
If someone keeps forgetting something, being forced into grovelling apologies isn't going to help them remember. It will just make them more anxious and destroy their self esteem.

OP, he sounds very overbearing and it's telling that instead of helping you remember things, he wants to to apologise profusely to HIM for mistakes that affect both of you. He isn't helping. And he scolds you for small things instead of focusing on serious ones.

I'd be concerned about why he's breaking you down like this instead of being helpful.

This. It sounds very much like me and my ex, now I know my issues were executive dysfunction caused by undiagnosed ADHD. To him, I was ridiculous, unable to be an adult. Now I'm diagnosed and medicated, I'm A LOT better.

But also he used to 'tell me off' and I always had to 'say sorry', and I was always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time I fucked up and his reaction. Not a nice way to live, and one of the main reasons I left him in the end.

the OP started with big stuff (front door, handbrake) - but if its at the same level for more trivial stuff, and has been going on for 20+ years, sounds abusive.
Talk to woman's aid, get advice on leaving.

@Justanything86

I understand the rationale behind the lying. I felt I had more insight about him
as a person and the workings of his mind. I read all I could find about adult adhd.
He simply refused to do anything about it.

To knowingly put the burden of your existence on another is abuse in my world. True the intent is different but abuse is abuse. The effect is the same.

Were he open and honest like you I most certainly wouldn’t have filed for separation at 7 months pregnant.

An adult is either the parent or partner of another adult. You can’t be both to the same adult. It’s unnatural. Romantic relationships are not meant to work in a parent-child dynamic.

Meds alone won’t help. CBT should go along with the meds.

I think you might be over tired, or could you be menopausal, I'm going through menopause, I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I have become very forgetful. My husband is trying to be supportive, He checks things for me, like if I've turned the oven off, locked doors etc. Those Are important things. I don't understand why you need to apologise, it's not like your personally attacking him. Ask him to help you out a bit more. It must be exhausting enough in its self anticipating being up before the judge all the time.

Let's put it this way - a hand break is more likely to fail than having the car in park. The latter is more robust. Mind you, it causes less wear on the car to use the hand break on a hill.

I've seen standards slip out of gear and roll away more than once, I've never heard of anyone having had an automatic run away unless they actually forgot to put it in park altogether. Which can happen but it's not as easy as forgetting the hand break, and on some cars these days you can't do it at all.

A little chat with Women’s Aid might not go amiss OP as @ThinWomansBrain says.

DP is abusive if he expects a long drawn out apology every time, like some weird ritual !

It seems belittling you makes him feel good.
Grinding you down so you feel you have to compensate by doing most of the work while he sits on his arse.

Surprised no one else is picking up on this ! There is a lot of missing the point here and focussing on the hand brake fgs !

OP I feel so bad for you. I am sending you a hug as you sound worn down. Your schedule sounds so busy no wonder you forget things. I once left the car door open parked on the road and a neighbour walking his dog had to come tell me. So we all forget things we are only human.

Your husband lecturing you and making you apologise again and again will only add to your stress. I agree with others about talking to someone eg women’s aid about your relationship as I don’t think it sounds healthy.

Take care of yourself OP and give yourself a break. You have a lot going on and with health issues you mention you need support not lectures and shaming. Also do see your doctor as they might be able to help you see this is not all you at fault but that you are trying to do so much juggling so much that of course some balls get dropped.

Do you get the lecture and then apologise or the other way round? I ask because my DH often forgets to do things and the same things constantly - for example forgetting to shut kitchen door (we have an 11 month old whose main goal in life is getting into kitchen cupboards)

If I then ask if he’s done it I straight away get ‘sorry’ and tbh that’s what I find frustrating. Don’t apologise for something over and over because to me it’s a you’re not listening, you’re not caring and sorry is easier to say then actually doing the thing.

You sound v frustrating making the same mistakes, some serious, repeatedly.

having said that, your dh’s attitude is pretty crap. Also, if you are struggling, why isn’t he helping more? He does lots of “organising”? I mean, we all know how heavy the mental load can be, but4 that’s usually because we are also doing all the actual load…. But in your case, that’s you. At the very least, take turns getting up early to walk the dog!

Are things at home 50/50?

@Peanutsforthebluetit
DP is abusive if he expects a long drawn out apology every time, like some weird ritual !

It seems belittling you makes him feel good.
Grinding you down so you feel you have to compensate by doing most of the work while he sits on his arse.

There are a few people who have posted already, including me, who agree with you. I know what it feels like to be ground down in just this way.

I might be wrong OP, but your DH sounds like a miserable asshole! You're a grown up, you make mistakes, you have a busy life, and by the sounds of it are trying to fit way too much into it. Without even taking the medication on board, is every criticism REALLY warranted, or does he actually get off on making you feel stupid, as that's the way it comes across to me. It sounds like he makes you grovel over and over for the same mistake, and as for 'no excuses', who the fuck does he think he is. OK, some of the mistakes you mentioned, could have serious consequences, but I bet you're not the only one on here who has forgotten to lock the door, or put the handbrake on. I once came back to my car in the multi storey car park, only to find it half way out of the bay! Got in and found I'd forgotten to put the handbrake on, thought 'OMG! Thank goodness I wasn't on a slope', but if my DH had been with me, he'd have probably said, 'phew, got away with that one' and left it at that, knowing that it was highly unlikely I'd make the same mistake again. However, I get the impression that your DH, loves to make you look and feel stupid. Think about it, is there maybe a grain of truth in what I've said? If so, I'd be thinking of getting rid of him, and am surprised at the reactions on here to your post, as usually in a situation like this, people would say that he sounds controlling. Sounds to me like he's just made you into a nervous wreck. Also, do you make these sort of mistakes at work, or do you manage to hold down a responsible job? If the latter, it sounds like it's your DH who's causing a lot of your problems to me.

Sometimes the stress of living like this and walking on egg shells, fearful of the next criticism can put you under even more pressure and cause forgetfulness. Hope you are OK x

Why does it always have to be a lecture/apology dynamic? I agree with PPs who say this is off.

You are both busy, and you’re unwell - he can just pick up the teacup himself, or say “hey OP looks like your handbrake is off” or “I locked the door for you”. As @Azandme said - he’s not your headmaster.

It sounds like he needs to do more at home. Cleaning, cooking, taking children to activiites, etc.

My husband is very much like you. Very careless and forgetful particularly around things that have safety implications and is worse when he's tired.

I can tell you from my perspective, it's absolutely infuriating. Because I have to bear the responsibility of reminding him constantly and checking to see if things have been done.

I can assure you I take NO pleasure in this, nor am I control freak. But time and time again he fucks up. I hate the 'mental load' phrase but in my case it's very much true!

Mine almost certainly has ADHD but I don't see that as an excuse tbh. He just needs to make the effort to put measures in place to help himself - but often forgets or can't be bothered!

So, please try and see it from your husbands perspective. It's very difficult to live with.

@GoldenMeadow
My husband is very much like you. Very careless and forgetful particularly around things that have safety implications and is worse when he's tired.

Do you insist on a long drawn out apology and a lecture each time ?
Do you wear him down so he feels he has to do extra work to make up for his “ineptness”?
Do you and dh also have a parent/ child dynamic ?
Yes people make mistakes but to me it sounds as if the OP’s husband is causing the brain fog and stress and he’s allowing her to do most of the work so he gets an easy life.

In my book that’s abuse.

I'm similar to you OP, I'm very absent minded and forgetful and I do feel for my husband tbh. It must be annoying for him. I do apologise but it doesn't have to be in a certain way, it sounds pretty controlling of your DH. Leaving the door unlocked isn't minor, it's putting your home and your family at risk. The handbrake is also dangerous. I can't suggest a solution though as I do things like this but you sound like you need to go to bed earlier for a start.

Having had similar with my partner, asking 'Name, can you move the cup off the draws please', or 'name, there's a massive smear of coffee on this cup, it wasn't washed properly' is not telling off or unreasonable.

Given the stuff with the handbrake and other numerous 'little mistakes', not surprised if it was testing his patience.

To be honest, this sounds like the behaviour of my partner's son. He just doesn't pay attention to what he's doing, so yeah the front and back doors will be unlocked if he's been out, leaves things everywhere, spills things and doesn't wipe up, I could go on. He's 20 years old and should know better. It might seem like little things, but certain things could have big consequences, and it's also VERY annoying to have to pick up/clean up after someone else all the time.

We have a rule in this house that if you do something or move something, it's your responsibility to make it look like it never happened.

He still ignores it.

You just sound careless and absent minded OP. But you also sound brow beaten.