To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

My DH is the same, constantly forgetting to lock doors and take bins out (which is his one job in the house, I will remind him for days before), constantly breaking things because he’s careless, regularly forgets to do important things- I could remind him every day and he would still forget. It’s infuriating.

It’s hard OP, I have to take on so much mental load to make sure he’s done/not done something and I guess your DH may be starting to feel more like your parent than your husband. Not sure what the answer is though.

I totally agree.

You have epilepsy and yet you are out of the house 12 hours 5 days a week, working and commuting. While your husband works from home. Now, I worked from home for many years and I know it's a proper job, with its own stresses. But I get the impression that you are spinning way more plates! And he gets to chill by walking the dog while you fight your way through rush hour traffic.

I don't know what the solution is, but you guys need to talk as at present he is being unreasonable.

Agree with the possibility of ADHD.

Also, just want to point out that drinking 2x standard glasses of wine four times a week is above the NHS recommendation of 14 units (not taking into account we often minimise our drinking to ourselves and others). This may be affecting your sleep, which will likely affect your ability to function well during the day.

Not sure what medication you're on for epilepsy and how this mixes with your drinking.

While I think ADHD is entirely possible, my experience is that we often try to minimise lifestyle factors, things that we could control, and medicalise our situation. I'd address the sleeping first, reduce the drinking to twice a week maximum and go from there.

I agree with all of this. I am sorry that some posters here have been so nasty.
Epilepsy is a tough condition to manage. I am sure the medication must be making things worse and OP must be chronically exhausted on top of all that.

You are forgetting a lot of things everyday.
If the things you have agreed to do are reasonable then it's fine to apologise and work out ways to remember.
Having a list of the things is one idea - coupled with signs, near the back door for example.

If the things you have agreed to do are not reasonable then you should gather your confidence and renegotiate anew the things on the agreed list. If, for example, you have agreed to lock the back door while you are outside taking the dog for a two minute poo break and the door is visible at all times then that seems excessive. You could renegotiate that it is fine to leave the door unlocked until you return through it.

Do you agree with the things you have agreed to do?
If not, negotiate.
If so, apologise and try to do better.

Could you be suffering Alzheimers?
Could you be suffering stress, sleep deprivation, nervousness?

In studying your daily timetable, I think you should try to get to bed by 10:00 pm.
Could you all eat once, as a family, and eating the same meal. Your husband work from home and should be able to organise the everning meal so that it is ready at a time suitable to you all. He should also clean up after cooking and eating (he can do some as he cooks). Rearrange housework so that only bare essentials have to be done after dinner.
Live in a less vaccumed house rather than living without sleep.
Scrutinize the things to do list and delete some..

This could be quite possibly linked with your epilepsy medication - some definitely effect your memory. I hope you get a chance to talk to your doctor. And if there are no other options ai hope your husband can work on being more understanding- sounds like a very unpleasant environment for you at the moment.

My first thought was ADHD. My husband has it, and while struggling to remember is hard for you, it's also really frustrating for the partner. It's crazy making to have a partner that says they understand why something is important and agree to do it, then just don't.

What stood out for me is "there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation." That kind of "Yeah but..." defensiveness and not being accountable is honestly destroying me. An example is if he says he'll pay a bill, then doesn't, I ask nicely did you pay that bill, the answer is always "Not yet because...followed by a long speech about why it's not his fault, as if it was an unreasonable expectation in the first place. Soul destroying. I would rather get "Sorry no, I said I would but I forgot" which is honest.

If it is ADHD, lack of sleep, stress, and taking on too much will be making your symptoms worse.

My husband used to do this a lot, I am also rather scatty. Eventually I got pissed off and started pointing out every time he made some kind of error.

Previously I almost always ignored things unless I thought the consequences could be serious if I didn't point it out. And it wasn't difficult because I just assumed he'd forgotten or was in a rush or whatever, it wasn't "against me" somehow, these kinds of things barely registered. Once I started to point out every little thing I think he realized how fucking annoying and patronizing it was and stopped doing it so much.

Tbh if he hadn't I might have left, I can overlook some quite serious things but I couldn't stand that any more. I'd rather live alone.

I'm so glad you posted this. Been trying to get reply together and was failing. (Also have ADHD).

A lot of the responses above leave me simultaneously spitting feathers and thinking how bloody wonderful it must be to not make the same 'mistakes' over and over.

I'm your partner in this situation and when someone repeatedly doesn't lock doors/car, keeps windows open when out, forget the handbrake it's very stressful and tiring. From your partner's point of view they'll be mentioning it to try remind you to stop making these kind of errors where you're endangering them, which is completely understandable from their POV. They don't want an apology, they want you to buck your ideas up and care about their safety and belongings!

I have ADHD and the repetition of these behaviours really isn’t typical of ADHD.

It is very much typical of some epilepsy medications.

Deffo go to the doctor OP.

It sounds like you perhaps have some ND traits. To keep forgetting those things kind of sounds like issues with executive function (perhaps you have ADD or ADHD)?

I'm on the other side of this in that it's my husband who forgets everything.

If I leave him to eat his dinner in the kitchen then don't check later, I'll find he's gone to bed and left the ground floor window wide open, and any uneaten meat not in the fridge. I feel I have to 'mother' him - hence complaining to him

Having someone forget things that really shouldn't be forgotten - actually it's tiring and irritating. I want to go to bed but can't because I have to check the window is shut.........

However you say you have epilepsy - so it can't really be helped in your situation as those drugs are tough!

I have ADHD. I hold down a very responsible professional job. The key is to establish a routine that is not broken in any way. I come in, the car keys go straight in the bowl on the hall bookcase. I keep all my keys on the same ring. My work id pass and carpark pass are on a lanyard and when I am not wearing it, it goes in one special zipped compartment in my briefcase. For the car, as you pull out the ignition key check that the handbrake is on - every single time. Get coasters for cups.

Reading your posts @Fizzyrosie and the things you are forgetting and the life you are leading screams that something is wrong here, this isn't you being idle or lazy or stupid!

ASD, Epilepsy, meds for epilepsy, ADHD... just some of the possible answers here.

What is absolutely NOT the solution is your 'D'H taking it upon himself to fucking lecture you about every error, or you beating yourself up and considering yourself stupid.

I think your brain is working so hard to maintain the things it genuinely knows are vital - work, kids, dog etc... you've nothing left for the other things.

People keep banging on about door locking, hand brake etc being super important but, if you've never had a car roll away, never had a burglary, then those things may NOT be vital in your mind, they are hypothetical. Not getting the kids to school, fucking up at work, thats likely not hypothetical, that has real consequences you've probably experienced or seen others experience enough for them to be stored as 'real', mentally.

See your GP.

Try to focus on more sleep.

Find work-arounds to help you remember the stuff that is risky, or deeply irritating to others. Lists, reminder alarms, placing objects in certain locations so you can't miss them... it's far better to focus on what you CAN do and will try, than beat yourself up about the mistakes!

you sound like you have ADHD. You need to take responsibility for it. Put in the strategies because what’s happening is that you dh is having to put them in place for you. And that’s frustrating for him. It’s a parent-child dynamic between the two of you and when it is such in a marriage/ romantic relationship it destroys it. I was married to a man like you.

It sucked the will to live out of me.

Could DH do more to manage the housework of WFH?

You need more sleep. But also to talk to your GP.

Your DH's attitude to your lapses is pretty shit. Yes, they could be considered serious but I'm sure you are not doing it on purpose and your DH doesn't understand this. He'll think you are doing this because you don't care about what he thinks, that you don't respect him etc.

OP's DH probably feels that she doesn't care/respect/love him. And surely if you were in that situation, your reaction wouldn't be good/to smile and be understanding... you'd be hurt. It's no wonder his reaction is "shit" (or, perhaps, understandable...).

Actions speak louder than words. It's quite hard to ignore big things. Handbrake = could cause the serious injury or death of OP/her DH/a neighbour, locking up the house = open to burglary... these things would have a major impact on the OPs DH. A one-off occasion is forgivable, but multiple 'oops' moments would start to make me feel as though she just didn't give a shit about potentially injuring me/causing loss of my possessions.
Same with things like not using coasters... I actually have this issue with my own DH and the fact he doesn't care about a piece of furniture belonging to me (antique, inherited) makes me feel, by extension, that he just doesn't care about me and my feelings/opinions. Every time I find a cup or water mark on that piece of furniture, it's another chip that silently eats away at our relationship because he clearly just doesn't care about my things/my opinions/my feelings/me.

OP, I can see that you clearly find these things difficult... but I think you need to look at strategies for overcoming it, rather than accepting that it's just what you do and thinking that it's OK. The consequences could potentially be fatal and/or serious. (Plus, potentially, cause the breakdown of your marriage...)

Edit to add - I have ADHD, I understand that it can be hard to remember to do certain things, but there are strategies and methods that you can adopt that work (like people have outlined above) if it seems that something like that is the issue.

@Ikeawarrior @Lachimolala thanks for sharing. Many people don’t understand the detrimental effect living with an untreated/unmanaged/unmedicated adhd spouse has on you.
My ex has a phd in “I’m sorry” and a masters in lying to avoid being accountable. It was either the tables’s or the dog’s or anything and everyone else’s fault / responsibility but his.
It is a form of abuse

Tell him to back the F off

It sounds like he enjoys telling you off and he sounds like a bit of a nightmare - I'd hate to be in your shoes. It's not like you're doing these things deliberately and I think a lot of the people who've piled in on here sound as pedantic as your husband and are the types who get their kicks from having a go at unhappy people. And the "no excuses" bit would enrage me too. I doubt he's perfect himself so I would start pulling him up about every single mistake he makes and then lecturing him and not allowing him to make excuses. I often leave the back door unlocked and so does my husband (although not at night - like you, during the day) but we do live rurally. Apart from the handbrake thing which I agree could be serious if the car rolled into someone, I'd just say (if he started going on about trivial shit like leaving a cup in the wrong place or whatever) "Oh for god's sake I haven't killed anyone - I can't believe the person I married has turned into a pedantic old bore who gets worked up over the placement of a bloody teacup........listen to yourself!"

Your dh isn’t dealing with this well is he ?

Repeated lectures and insisting on an apology are not constructive and somehow smack of self importance rather than wanting to help you remember.

Do you find him controlling in any way ?

He’s not super human. Does he give you a long drawn out apology when he makes a mistake ?

Why can’t he lock the door ?

Does he ever cook dinner for you both when the kids have gone to bed?

Does he walk the dog ?

From the description of your day it sounds like you do more than he does. Stress and a hectic lifestyle will make you more likely to forget things.

Agree with others on possible ADHD. My DD has it and she forgets / loses focus.

You probably make some errors because you are living under the constant stress of making a mistake and being criticised.
People aren’t taking this into account.

Dont be so hard on yourself.

Also think about your age, could you be lacking vitamins, HRT ?
maybe a doctors visit and blood test

But it sounds incredibly difficult and stressful for you 💐