To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

Yet if he kept leaving cups out that damaged the furniture it would be LTB on here

There are books on creating habits, just forcing yourself to do things creates a habit. Not putting cups down, putting them in the sink, or better still rinsing them and leaving them to dry, tell yourself your never going to put a cup down again and every time you do make sure you take it to the sink, sounds daft but these small alterations can be life changing in keeping a tidy house. I have a kid that escapes so locking the door is just drilled into me now. I never used to lock my door but I physically can’t close the door without locking it now because it’s a habit. Once you have these habits drilled into you then you won’t make the mistakes again I promise.

Maybe try and examine why you keep making these mistakes. Perhaps you are too tired or stressed? Get to the bottom of the problem. It can't be that nice for your husband to have to check you have forgotten to do these things...good luck!

So I am on the other side of this, what you describe is almost exactly what my husband is like. I am very aware that it isn’t nice for him to be on the receiving end of these constant reminders and don’t want to affect his confidence so I boost him as much as possible too, but it is also entirely draining to be the one having to carry the mental load for both parties, and I feel like he treats me like his mum.

We cycle through me not mentioning much for a few weeks, wanting to let him try and improve things himself after our last big talk about it, to then starting to mention more and more of these things, to me getting totally pissed off with it and having a big conversation about it again. Draining.

I am now starting to wonder if he has ADHD - I am a teacher so know quite a lot about it, do you think this could be a possibility for you? If it is, you still need to develop strategies to help you remember things regardless, but it may help your husband understand and me more compassionate.
Maybe agreeing certain things with OH would help - he can mention the serious issues that are dangerous etc but will hold off as much as he can on the smaller things ( this is what I try to do).

Put things in place - if you are always leaving marks on furniture with cups then get some coasters and leave one in each of the most frequent places you do it, then the problem is solved. Have a serious reflection on the things causing problems and think of simple solutions.

I have also gotten by husband to start reading Atomic Habits and recommend it to you too, it will help you form habits of doing X when you do Y, that should make it easier.

Isn't it about priorities? Are marks on the furniture worth making your partner feel shit?

I totally agree - why are you doing two loads of cooking? We’ve always eaten the same dinners. Maybe cut back on clubs too; if they are every night then that’s too much for you unless they really adore the activity. A lot of parents seem obsessed with their children doing everything and it’s really not necessary. I do bits of laundry, tidying etc most nights (and have two children and a dog too) but get to bed by 10:30.

I would go mental if DH or kids kept ruining the furniture - it is not difficult to put coasters in those areas, surely?

@Fizzyrosie I don't think you are making 'little mistakes'. I think they're quite big. However, my gut response - unlike your DH - is not to assume you're shit at life skills. Rather, I suspect you're suffering from cognitive impairment, either from your current medication or from a separate deficiency/imbalance. That being the case, it is fixable.

When you're such a busy person - like you clearly are - you assume tiredness is normal. It creeps up on you. I think your tiredness is the result of something else, and you need to get yourself to your GP.

Tell him to fuck off. That’s the most constructive advice I’ve got I’m afraid, because my husband is the same, he makes loads of mistakes and won’t apologise but when I do.. it’s the end of the world. Remember. Hi husband. Fuck off. Thanks, byeeee

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have read your updates. If the only thing you drill into yourself to remember is the handbrake. We had an incident at school, where one of the school mums 'forgot' and another mum literally had to jump in the car to put the brake on. The mum who forgot, laughed it off as nothing. She could have killed someone!

I wouldn’t say they both small mistakes - not locking the back door , that can be a big one if you were to get broken into , you wouldn’t be covered .

Now the handbrake - this leads me on to my own rant ! So , my husband never puts the handbrake on . It’s an automatic car and he puts it in park and says that you don’t need the handbrake ( I don’t know if that’s true but he’s been driving a lot longer than me and has drove many different cars , drives for a living ) I don’t know if that’s bad for the car but my argument with him is that it’s fine if he’s driving next - because he never puts the handbrake on ( he’s used to driving a manual don’t know if that makes a difference as I can’t drive one ) he knows when he gets in the car that it’s not on . Now, usually I release the handbrake and then go into reverse ( as I always drive on to the drive I never reverse on , so that means I reverse off ) but occasionally I have gone into reverse and it’s beeped at me because I have forgotten to take the handbrake off . My argument is if I’m rushing and I forget to check the handbrake like that and take my foot off the brake ( sometimes I’m in a rush and it’s quite a swift movement ) then that could be dangerous as I would just zoom backwards because the handbrake isn’t on - - or even worse in my situation , because I’m used to reversing off but he’s parked facing off the drive I could zoom back into the house ! This has never happened and I am very careful driver but we all become creatures of habit and in that case the handbrake not being on could be dangerous ! But he doesn’t see it like that because to him it’s natural to start the car knowing the handbrake is on ! Is this similar to you two ? Because if so , it may not seem big to you but it actually could be !

Rehardless though , you shouldn’t have to apologise so in depth and be lectured as though you are a child .

To add though - little things like leaving a mark with a cup or forgetting to put the dishwasher on, these things aren’t dangerous . We all make mistakes and he shouldn’t be picking you up on every single one and making you give a full detailed apology . That’s weird

I thought leaving cups by the dishwasher was enough to break up with a husband for. Someone’s normally posted the link to that article by now…

Op, I’m concerned about why you need to do a grovelling apology all the time.

you should definitely look into why you are making these mistakes & try to do something to stop the more serious ones. And definitely try to get some more sleep.

but stop the apologising for everything as though you have specifically done something to your husband. If he is looking for you to do that then he is being controlling when he should be supportive.

Safety or security issues I understand mentioning but cup marks seems an over the top and pedantic. Op if you’ve adhd which causes you to be distracted work out systems, if you’re husband is just being an arse leave him

I think this is really sad.

while I think I’d be driven potty if a partner constantly made the same mistakes, some of the things you mention just seem petty on DH part…. Why does it matter if you don’t lock the door when you walk the dog if he’s home anyway?? I lock the door when I go out but wouldn’t if I knew DH was indoors!

SLEEP - I don't understand why you cook a meal for your children, then later cook again for yourself?? Why don’t you cook one meal and all sit and eat together? That would knock a chunk of your evening chores out… If I were you I’d also skip sitting and watching TV & just go to bed earlier.. sleep is so important hence why years ago sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture !

And STOP apologising!!…. Yeah sure a quick ‘OMG sorry!’ But it sounds like your husband berates you constantly and expects a full on grovel..

Sounds to me like you throw all your efforts into work and are simply burnt out by the time you get home! Please do try to change your evening routine and get to bed earlier. While having wind down time is great, sleep is better!!… wind down at weekends instead x

Good luck OP

Adult mental health referrals for ADHD are not being accepted where I am but it sounds to me like ADHD and perimenopause