To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

Oh FFS.

I rather think tiredness and a shit, scolding husband are at the root of this.

Repeatedly forgetting the same things does sound annoying. But then the level of apology he seems to expect is bloody weird. And clearly not helping resolve matters anyway.

I’d talk to your GP as others have suggested. Hope that he or she can help.

But I couldn’t live with someone who treated me like that when you genuinely don’t seem able to get on top of it. If you were my partner I’d be like, what are you like, this is ridiculous, we need to develop some strategies… And work out a plan together. Being made to apologise like a child is wrong. I wouldn’t make a child do it either. If something annoyed me that much, I’d want a solution that worked.

That’s pretty telling though isn’t it?

that you accept that your life together has mistakes and you’re raising kids and want to see the best but your DH doesn’t really think like that.

that if you bring up his mistakes it’ll be like kraken unleashed and I get your anger about it and wanting to prove to him he’s not perfect because no one really is

and he doesn’t seem to have that level of self awareness to just stop… breathe and give you a bit of leniency. Or that you even ignore his mistakes.

id certainly get your end of it sorted though as pp have suggested in regards to medication and burnout as to the cause of your forgetfulness. It would be wise to rule out any potential interactions first. More for your own saftey and piece of mind than appeasing a husband.

but you DH, I don’t know how you can make him see his tolerance is pitifully low and attitude belittling.

fwiw I’ve done many of the mistakes you have. Forgotten to lock doors and windows on multiple occasions. I’m just fortunate to live in a safe place. It was mental burnout for me. That and near constant ear irritation and infections plus hearing loss that made processing sounds harder and more exhausting. A pair of noise cancelling headphones, opting out of noisy activities where I’d have to work harder to hear and request adjustments at work really helped.

ADHD? How is your mental health and productivity generally?

Can you have reminders in place

post it note near handbrake
reminder on phone to check back door
coasters ready on the chest of drawers

I do these things also. My son was diagnosed with ADD recently and it made me realise that I most likely have it also - I manage life very well and have travelled and held down senior roles but find it difficult to stay on top of the simple tasks. I now have lists for everything and just need to check things off as I go along. It's either that or getting properly diagnosed and medicated which I have decided I don't want to do. I think it's difficult for people who don't struggle with these things to understand- my husband moans at me constantly for it too. Now I just ask him to double check in case I have forgotten 😁

I agree with all the comments about burnout. I have had spells when I’ve been worried about early dementia (forgetting names/words etc) at times when I’ve been overloaded, anxious and tired. It makes you feel like you’re a computer with too many tabs open. That’s without being on epilepsy medication.

perimenopause can also play in to memory function/brain fog.

I would agree with what’s the point in all the apologising after the event, the very nature of forgetting something means it’s something you didn’t intend to do. Do you think your husband is misguidedly trying to help you or punish you? Can he help you with strategies rather than just criticising?

I think seeing your doctor is sensible, also have a look at your whole lifestyle to try to ease the burden of life/admin etc, could you negotiate reducing hours/travelling for work, try to get more sleep? Get a dog walker/cleaner etc?

for the essential/safety things - is it worth having some little signs or post-its to remind you (say in the car or on the door for example), a checklist or recurring reminder on your phone. I’m a forgetful person and I have to do these things, there’s no shame in it.

OP I am really chaotic and forgetful. I lose keys and cards and bags endlessly. I forget to go to things and get times mixed up and have left the car open and the hob on and loads of things like that. I get lost when I turn round and never know where I have put anything. I am also smart, funny, helpful, kind, professionally successful … My husband is an organised sort but has always accepted that rather than being an arse it is just me and while I try and have systems I will inevitably be way more chaotic than him. He loves me so doesn’t find me irritating. Love is rarely about endless apologies - I would not accept that for myself.

This really made me realise that I don't really make a habit of apologising to DH. It's not that I don't say sorry but if I make a mistake, I chastise myself and tell him but I never feel 'in trouble'. I couldn't stand to be apologising all of the time.

As someone on the other side of this, it is incredibly annoying. That being said, I would feel like a jerk if I ever thought to lecture my partner like a child multiple times per day. That is a bit much.
And frankly, it doesn't sound like 6 hours of sleep a day are enough, especially since you sleep in on the days you don't have to be up. Lack of sleep can cause cognitive difficulties. constantly being worried about your spouse treating you like an ignorant child can cause stress that leads to trouble sleeping. Or maybe you have a bit of insomnia or need to adjust your schedule or look into medical reasons for not sleeping more when you need it.
Some things can be done later. Also, get a self locking door with fingerprint and code. set out coasters on your table where you usually put your drink down instead of having to remember to grab them every time.

What you are doing on a daily basis can be very stressful for the person who has to follow behind you and fix everything. But he is being a whole lot of extra about it and increasing the stress for both of you.
Does he treat the kids the same way? Cause that is going to cause a lot of problems later if it hasn't already.

My DD has severe ADHD, I have Aspergers’. Combined - she very frequently is forgetful and very disorganised, and I like logical order and method. I am also the head of the household (she’s a young adult who still chooses to live at home; I am therefore lead adult lol) BUT I would not dream of getting her to apologise again and again and again! She apologises frequently anyway, when she realises something has had a chaotic repercussion…and I can see how frustrated and, yes, low living with it can make her feel.

I love her, we discuss things, we work out ways to combine our strengths and weaknesses and respectfully live together safely and kindly. (I know my need for logic and routine can set her teeth on edge, I’m not easy either.)

Do you feel @Fizzyrosie that your DH loves you for you, and respects you? Do you him?

Fuck that I bet it’s like living with the guy from sleeping with the enemy; of course Mr Perfect never fucks up; never had to apologise he’s a saint sorry I’d tell him to shut the fuck up & to get a life maybe if you stood up to him you’d have a happier life

Your husband sounds awful OP.

Since I started going through the menopause, I have become very forgetful and have done some silly things at work and home. And whilst I always apologise profusely, if I made the mistake again and again my OH or boss wouldn't be expecting an apology, they'd be saying ' this is becoming a problem, how can we fix it?' A post-it note on the door to remind you to lock it, a note on the dashboard to remind you to put the handbrake on.

Critism is just going to exacerbate the problem.

Expecting you to be humble and apologise isn't the act of a supportive spouse.

You sound like you've got an awful lot going on in your life, along with meds for epilepsy I'm not surprised you're dropping the ball.

Is your husband generally nice to you or does he always act parents or put you down.

You sound lovely OP, I think a lot of these responses are very judgemental, harsh and not helpful.

They aren’t little mistakes, they can have serious consequences. Is this new behaviour or have you always been like this? If the former, maybe book a Dr appointment if latter maybe therapy to see if you can find coping mechanisms or ways to remember doing significant tasks.

I couldn’t cope with that.

I'm exactly the same OP, I forget to lock the car, forget my keys/ or phone when I go out. Constantly lose my bank card then borrow his but I've only lost his briefly 🫣
I totally understand it must be so annoying for him, but I don't do any of it on purpose.
I then try extra hard to remember whatever the last thing was I did wrong and then end up doing something else wrong.
Honestly the list could go on of all the things I mess up on.
I totally empathise you OP xxx

Please don’t tell me he’s perfect and never makes mistakes. I don’t agree with you constantly apologising and being lectured, he’s not your Dad or boss. Say sorry once, that’s it. You need to think about whether you want to carry on living like this. I think you sound stressed and anxious.

What hours does your husband work & how do the kids get to school?

Can't your husband sometimes do a morning dog walk (as well as lunch time?)

Is there any reason you are doing a separate meal for the kids and then yourself and DH? Can't you all eat together earlier and then you could have your downtime and get to bed before midnight? You must be really tired.

Someone forgot to put their handbrake on yesterday, in the supermarket car park. It was one of those huge tractor-like monstrosities. Didn’t half make a mess of the car it rolled into.

Personally I would suspect the epilepsy medication. Dh has epilepsy and was taking meds when we first met. He had absolutely no short term memory at all. Meds also weren't making his seizures any less frequent or any less severe so he came off the medication and his memory improved enormously. Prior to that he would for example ask ten times what we were planning to eat and the tenth time would be after wed eaten.

Op this just screams domestic abuse at me, you being abused.

I've only managed to scan other posts, can you give more examples.

You say every discussion is an apology, then mention the door, cups and the hand brake.

Is there anything else?

I

Could you possibly have a touch of adhd as I’m always doing those things.

And I suppose for me context of the big two is everything.

I am a handbrake leave in gear person. DH is not. Do you share a car or is he checking yours? Is it causing accidents or just his checking?

Same with the door. You say it's just for a dog walk, crikey I have never locked my door here, even to go away. Never. So have forgotten on holiday as not second nature.