To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

I can appreciate it’s very frustrating for you but tbh I think I’m your partner in my relationship and my partner is you! Cupboards and drawers always left open, fridge left open, hob left on, water marks on furniture. It’s always ‘sorry sorry sorry’ but I get sick of it because ‘sorry’ doesn’t make anything better. I just wish he were more conscientious! If my partner left the handbrake off or the back door unlocked I would be VERY unimpressed!

I am going to ignore the rude person.
OP. Why are you only getting 6 hours sleep?
What else is going on?
I agree that the hand brake and door locking mistakes are serious. Most people would be able to put strategies in place to ensure they didn't repeat mistakes. Have you always been forgetful or is this new?

DP has been known to forget to lock the front door - this annoys me no end. However having lived with him for a very long time, I know a 5 min lecture on the importance of home security is a waste of my breath. He also would loose his car keys at regular intervals, ie every other day. Que panic searching. So I've come up with solutions - and they've been working.

Can you suggest to your DH that rather than lectures you and he sit down and come up with practical ways to help you remember the important stuff - to put the handbrake on, lock the front door. As for making a marking on the dresser with a cup or forgetting to put the dishwasher on- tell him to get a life.

We live in a safe area. The front door is unlocked all day. Ditto the garage because he comes and goes. I occasionally forget to lock the door shut the garage. He complains. I tell him to lock it then when he goes to bed, earlier than me. He leaves his keys in the car sometimes 🙄

We're not robots, forgetting stuff is normal.

Oh and you're not getting enough sleep @Fizzyrosie

Some suggestions might be:

• To do whatever you need to do to get more sleep, I realise this may not be possible for all sorts of reasons but give it some serious thought.
• Stop drinking alcohol to see if it makes any difference to your sleep and mental clarity. There is a reasonable chance it will even if you don’t drink excessively at the moment.
• Stop apologising to your husband. If he demands one, he needs to be told to stop because it is not constructive. In fact it has proven to be unsuccessful in improving things.
• Have some psychotherapy to see what’s at the bottom of all this.
• Think about the worst case scenario consequences of each of your “errors” - think about how you would feel and the impact on your husband if something serious happened as a consequence of your ineptitude.

How is the relationship/life otherwise?

Your examples are not little things though, both of your examples have the potential to result in a very negative outcome. You don’t lock the door and if you get burgled your insurance would be invalid. Leave the handbrake off and if your car rolls away big expense if it gets damage, you say it doesn’t matter cause your drive is flat. Does that mean you engage the handbrake if you park it somewhere else but don’t when it’s on the drive, that suggests a conscious act rather than being forgetful. Little things are leaving the toothpaste tube lid off, leaving lights on or forgetting to buy milk when you go shopping. Not going to cause major bother or expense but even those little things would cause annoyance if someone kept doing them over and over.

How old are you op ?

Is this a recent thing or something you've always struggled with?

Have you seen your gp to rule out anything medical ?

Honestly you sound like my ex husband.

He marked up all our flat surfaces by refusing to use a coaster under his coffee cups, forgot to lock up on so many occasions that even when he did, I'd still have to get out of bed and check, constantly washed clothes on the wrong temp and shrank them, to name but a few frustrating things.

The list was endless but he'd always turn the tables on me and either accuse me of 'nagging', or moan he 'was always in trouble'.

It didn't stop until I made peace with the fact that he just didn't really care enough to remember those things, and I left him.

I'm now married to a fully functioning adult and much happier.

Perhaps you two just aren't compatible?

Some very over the top reactions here.

@Fizzyrosie I'm an occasional handbrake forgetter, too, and I've been known to find the door keys on the outside of the door in the morning. Frequently lose car keys.

No-one has ever "told me off". It's not like anyone intends to forget anything!!

Op you started with two very serious examples and then slowly drip feeding the minor ones 🧐

@Fizzyrosie you are getting a hard time on here.

Your DH's attitude to your lapses is pretty shit. Yes, they could be considered serious but I'm sure you are not doing it on purpose and your DH doesn't understand this. He'll think you are doing this because you don't care about what he thinks, that you don't respect him etc.

When in fact you are doing this because it's just what you do. I do these kind of things ALL the time, I have ADHD. I'm pretty good now at putting strategies in place to help me remember to do things and I'm better because of this. My DP now understands this. I don't get grief anymore. I get reminded that I need to remember these things as they are important but I don't get grief because I don't.

That's the difference. Stop apologising and ask him to understand.

OP, I'm not saying that you are doing these things deliberately, but the constant picking by your husband sounds as if you are resentful.

Could you then (subconsciously) not care or prioritise sorting routines to resolve the problems in response to this?

I have a quite stressful job, and so does DH. Both full time, plus kids 7 and 10 and a dog. The commute makes the 6 hours sleep during the week the norm and I've always managed on that. I know lots of people get more but I don't really understand how and still doing everything, i get more during the weekend. Up at 6am, dog walked and out the house for 7am, work and commute home at 6/6.30pm, clubs, homework, kids fed and in bed for 8.30pm, tea made for us and eaten by 9.30pm/10pm. Plus housework, ideally some exercise, TV etc, and we get to bed and fall asleep around midnight.

Think I'll focus on the major ineptness first, perhaps I'll get DH to help me prioritise and focus on those, at least we can try to do something. I think part of it is that I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment and it just mounts up and I give up as it seems impossible. Perhaps subconsciously I know DH is going to notice and I'm not trying hard enough.

Tbh the cup thing would really annoy me. You’re damaging the furniture. Why do you not care enough about it to not do that? If you apologise then do the same thing over again it makes the apology meaningless. Sorry OP but you need to shape up a bit.

Have a look and see if you resonate with adhd.

I have it.
I make stupid mistakes repeatedly. Not intentionally.
Ones that I don't want to make. That are inconvenient to me. But my brain just no. Part of it is getting distracted, suffering from executive dysfunction. Loosing things very often, forgetting to do stuff like turn the hob off, leaving cupboards open. If you get punished for this but you feel like you're really trying have a read through adhd criteria. YouTube Jessica mcabe how to adhd.

I could be totally off that this is not what you have. But if it is, it may give you internal peace to know what's going on.
Can't say your partner will be compassionate.
But being kind to yourself is important.

Stop saying sorry, no one should have to be made to repeatedly apologise to anyone. Instead of sorry I did whatever it was, say thank you for reminding me or thank you for doing that for me or thank you I was just about to do that etc. So you thank rather than say sorry. It should change the conversations around.

Also, not been suggested yet by anyone else, but are you sure you are responsible for all of these things? It’s called gaslighting and you are made to feel like it’s you and you’ve done these things etc. it gets to the stage you believe it. I really hope it’s not that.

It's pointless venting frustration at the op for your other halves ! You have choices if you're resentful of your relationship- no need to take it out on the op .

Op - have you seen a medic ?

Are you doing all the donkey work ? What's your dh do for
The family , dog, house , kids etc ?

The more you are worrying about that the worse it will get. The apologising needs to stop.

Hope the divorce goes through soon @theresastormcoming

Wow, such a great example of projection.

And calling the OP "a sack of shit". The anger is real!

Have you considered therapy?

Oh do shut up and add something constructive to the thread. If this is real then leaving a hand brake off or leaving doors unlocked constantly is pretty shitty.

I thought@porridgecake had a good point actually.

And calling the OP "a sack of shit". The anger is real!

The PP said...

I divorced this sack of shit and the house is for sale.

Unless she was married to the OP too?

DH does stuff too, he does do quite a bit of running, and although I do more of the housework, shopping and food prep he does lots of organising, outdoor and house crap.

Haven't ever thought of going to the doctor's for being forgetful and inept. Guess I thought everyone was a bit useless but obviously not!

I'm already on medication for epilepsy which does happily keep hat in check and wouldn't want to take anymore meds that mess with neurological. Will have a look at ADHD to see if I can get some techniques tho.

The thank you tip is good, at least that might not make me feel quite so shit.

Thanks for all the feedback but some of it has been quite hard to read so logging off now.