To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

I think there is more going on here than your “mistakes”

I think dh is the main issue here.

It must be quite draining living with someone who constantly does things like you mention
people can only be tolerant for so long

but also you seem to have no concept that some of the things you mentioned aren’t little things there major things

I'm not sure why so many posters are diagnosing ADHD - the OP has stated she has epilepsy - which is correlated with memory issues - and she is also taking medication for her epilepsy (which can cause memory issues).

https://epilepsysociety.org.uk/living-epilepsy/memory/how-epilepsy-may-affect-memory#:~:text=Memory%20difficulties%20can%20happen%20due,in%20and%20store%20new%20information.

I think the main problem here is the lack of understanding and support from the husband.

OP you have a very busy lifestyle - bith if you have a fulltime job, commute, two children, a dog.
You are going to bed too late, this lack of sleep will impact you. Try having a family meal, the kids are old enough to all eat together. Make sure they are pulling their weight with little jobs. Cancel any clubs that they don’t really love.
If you’re on epilepsy medication I wouldn’t drink four nights a week, this will be impacting the quality of your sleep and energy levels.

I agree with this sounds like your doing a balancing act and things are getting too much, I went through a stressful period and felt like this making errors due to all the stress I was under maybe you need to speak.to your husband and see how you can factor in some down time for you and before I have also been deficient in vit D/iron which really effected my functioning and felt alot better once I had sorted that out and been to GP for medication for it and I now take a high dose Vit D spray daily and feel that really helps (take the Better you spray 3000 IU I think it's called) so definitely worth getting a blood test to see if your deficient and checking your meds are ok with the GP. Also as a previous poster said as well a written check list by the door as a prompt. Hope you get it sorted OP and start to feel better soon as its not nice feeling like this

I’m not going to internet diagnose you.
I can also do some pretty daft forgetful things sometimes -not the handbrake but I’ve left the keys in the internal front door a couple of times, left the light on in the under stairs cupboard, left a cupboard door open etc It’s not all the time but I’m also a busy person out of the house between 7 and 5, takes kids to clubs, shops, housework etc. It happens, I’m not sure there is anything wrong with you.

My DH is one of those who would never let one of these things slide and has a tendency to chide me about things like he would a child. I don’t apologise and I don’t let him get away with talking to me like that.

What I have noticed is that he is not perfect either, he once left a ground floor small window open overnight, once dropped his car keys on the drive and only a couple of days ago left a train ticket in his jeans causing everything in the wash to be covered in bits. I don’t make him apologise for stuff like that, I barely even see it as worth mentioning because we all make mistakes. I don’t think it is a nice way to live to be telling my partner off. As a PP has said, what does the apology even achiever? None of it was wilful.

Don’t beat yourself up and don’t apologise. Stand up for yourself and maybe keep an eye on his imperfections and mistakes. Remember he’s at home all day so if he leaves a window open or keys in the lock, he’ll probably have noticed and corrected his mistake before you even get home.

(Get some coasters though - tea stains on furniture would even drive me mad!)

OP some of the replies on this thread are brutal and completely lacking in empathy. You have an incredible amount of plates you are spinning.

You and your husband do not sound like a team. You take on too much (possibly to compensate for your ‘ineptness’ as you call it). He gets to sit on his high horse and you get to remain in subservient misery. What is he getting out of this? What support does he offer you? I’d book myself in for some EAP to try work through the whole situation. Something has to change or you’ll wind up a shell.

On the practical front, I have a list on a whiteboard stuck to the front door (or whatever door you exit). Has a quick checklist of things I need to take/do eg lock door, iron off etc. It’s not going to win any decorating awards but it works.

If you start putting things in place and your husband continues to berate you, I’d consider leaving for the sake of your mental health. Contrary to the opinions of some on this thread, not all the things you’ve mentioned are a huge deal which will drive every single person wild with frustration. You and your husband may also be incompatible on top of everything else.

You sound quite similar to me OP. Are your family similar? I think in my case it has a genetic or learned component because my sister and Mum are terribly ditzy and constantly losing things, forgetting things (they must have lost 20 purses and phones between them in the last 10 years), leaving things mid-task and don't bother with door locking. Its partially remembering and partially not particularity caring about it.

My dh does get frustrated with me as he is super efficient and its taken some time and talking to explain to him that its very much not intentional and him getting cross about it does nothing but make me feel awful and resentful and doesn't solve the problem.

That being said I have taken steps to improve. I have exactly one shoulder bag that goes with me everywhere and where my keys and purse return to every time they get used. I have a sort of mantra when leaving the house, keys, purse, phone, doors etc. I'm an obsessive list writer. I have a complex calendar and alarm system for anything important, we have a big wall calendar of the year where we update our whereabouts.

I'm dyslexic and my one main negative symptom is very bad short term memory. Its a struggle to retain as much information as most people and often I'll be thinking about doing something (locking the car after shopping) and then 10 seconds later that information has gone. He has more recently accepted that considering my family I've done pretty well with coping.

You need to develop some coping mechanisms. Use technology. If its as a result of tiredness then try sleeping better for a few days to see if things improve. You also need to explain to your husband that you are aware there is a problem and are trying to do something about it but he needs to back off. He is allowed to remind you with neutral statements 'the door was unlocked' but no more apologising or accusations. If needed, argue that its having the opposite effect and making you resentful so you want to try a clean slate.

My dbil has epilepsy and my dsis accepts that he’s forgetful and makes mistakes partly due to his condition and partly due to his meds.
She also accepts that it’s a lot better than him having constant seizures.

@Fizzyrosie your dh needs to be kinder, you have a medical condition that you are managing whilst raising dc and working full time.
Stop saying sorry and remind him that one day he may need to be cut a bit of slack.

It is probably a combination of epilepsy and lack of sleep.

Newer cars beep at you if you don’t put the handbrake on(so you clearly aren’t the only one) and most houses that I have lived in have front doors that lock automatically. A post it note or something might remind you.

It is a shame you married someone who worries about cups on surfaces as lots of people don’t care. Try to buy furniture that won’t damage. Living with someone who is constantly critical is very difficult and far worse to live with than cup rings on the sideboard.

A lot of people obsessing about the hand brake. If you drive an automatic and leave it in park it does a similar job and it is easy to forget to push the button for the actual handbrake. In big European cities people rarely use their handbrake when they park, unless on a hill. Don’t understand why you would be so irate and judgmental about this, especially as the OP parks off street on a flattish drive.

Op, i am sorry to say that I have someone in my life like this, and it's really exhausting 😪 we did have a big chat about it a few months ago and we decided to compromise. We picked a few major points that they agreed to prioritise and I agreed to chill out about the other things. So far it has been working. I do still get frustrated but try to take a deep breath and get some physical space from the person to distress and come back feeling a bit more compassionate. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate (my life is similar to yours, so I know how tiring it is!) and that there's a lot of mental energy required from you. I really do understand.

I think you need to make more mental space in your life. You need to find some kind of wriggle room so that things aren't as jam packed and your DH can help you work that out. I start getting forgetful when I'm absolutely overwhelmed and haven't realised it yet. Your mind is possibly giving you a heads up that your lifestyle needs to be looked at.

All the best.

What I don't quite get is why you are apologising to him. It's your house too, your furniture. I never use the handbrake (automatic), DH made a ring on the (antique) furniture with his cup - I was furious but couldn't see the point in huge ticking off as it was done now.
I would ask him to help you to remember, advise on ideas, make it his job to check the door - you have a bad memory - it's not deliberate. You are storing up grudges does he want that - you aren't 10 years old - do you really need pulled up on things. Try being reasonable and explaining this to him.
Can't help wondering if he enjoys the tickings off.
Or tell him he must take on more because you are struggling. WFH sounds a lot less stressful than a long commute everyday and very early start.

I’m the partner in this situation as DP has ADHD. However this doesn’t sound like ADHD as regular, habitual stuff is easier to remember – you park the car, you put the handbrake on. It’s long-term memory. The forgetful stuff comes when it’s a one-off: can you check the oil before you come inside? Wouldn’t happen, because he can’t form short-term memory or remember non-habitual things.

It is shit and soul-destroying to live with an adult who you have to parent. It’s not his fault, and OP it might not be your fault, it might be the medication, but that doesn’t magically make it easy for your husband or for any partner having to deal with being a sole adult in a household where there’s actually another adult. I wish DP would do more than just take his ADHD meds and actually put systems in place: when he takes responsibility and makes himself a remembering system he does the thing! When he just shrugs and doesn’t bother and leaves me to resolve the problem: that’s the issue.

You need to prioritise sleep, and go to the GP and see if it’s a medication issue. Why are you eating separately from your kids? They’re not toddlers eating at 4.30pm anymore, just eat as a family, give them responsibility for clearing the table and helping load the dishwasher, etc, and ensure you’re in bed by 10pm to sleep by 10.30pm.

As an aside I swear to god 90% of Mumsnet problems could be resolved by not having a dog: there are so many threads about mental load, burnout, exhaustion, overload, life being too much, and to a T they all involve “and the dog needs a walk 3x a day and regular vet visits and special attention and a 3am garden wee visit and barking and blah blah.” Literally just extra chores and a time suck.

Forget the morning dog walk, get your husband to put something in the slow cooker for tea for the whole family so you eat together, then kids muck in with chores.
Look at the clubs after school, any you could drop or husband take over the running around for.
You sound like your running on empty here OP. Look after yourself. Get a check in with your GP regarding your meds and forgetfulness.

Maybe home worker husband has a bit of OCD too. Since mine retired he notices the house more which is irritating. Say I'm Hoovering the bedroom he points out that an area in another part of the house sitting room usually could do with a going over because of the log burner, puppy, etc.

he makes a big deal of bleaching the work tops every time he gets a stomach upset. The fact that the night before he'd been out with the lads 🍻 and a greasy pizza might have caused the trots escapes him.

Lighten your load OP

OP - this sounds a pretty exhausting situation for both of you. Has it always been like this (you forgetting major things/him lecturing/demanding apologies) or is this something that has developed over time?
Either way, its clearly not a positive dynamic for either of you and your relationship - and lectures and apologies are clearly not fixing the problem, and can only breed resentment on both sides.

There is some good advice on this thread about seeing what you can simplify and cut out of your daily routine/share out tasks better so you are able to prioritize sleep and you health, and simple things like checklists that could help you with routine and tasks now but the situation is likely more complex and needs a comprehensive approach.

Your days sound exhausting - and its certainly possible that lack of sleep and epilepsy medicine could be contributing. I would also ask about your weight and whether you snore - as medical issues like obstructive sleep apnoea can develop over time and affect your sleep quality, memory and focus. You also dont mention your age but that could also be a factor in hormonal and medical issues. The idea of a GP visit and health check sounds a good one - medical review, some blood tests to check hormone/vitamin/iron levels and discuss the possibility of other issues.

Lifestyle changes - stopping any alcohol and prioritising more sleep would be helpful. Do you get any time to yourself, do any hobbies or exercise apart from the dog walking? When do you get time with the DCs and how do you spend it?

How about work? - you describe it as stressful, full time work. Only you know if burnout is a possibility but- are you being supported there? are you taking tasks from work/mental stress/emotions home with you? is there any way of adjusting your work load, dropping or delegating certain tasks or roles to others or even taking a sabbatical/role change. Would you be supported by work if you needed time off for health/stress reasons?

I think I would try and have a discussion with DH, proactively, not in response to an issue/apology situation and explain that you are actually quite worried about these lapses and why they are happening - and that you need to pull together on this. Dont get into the emotions side yet - (eg 'you make me feel x/you act like my boss/its ruining our relationship) and dont let it slide into blame/lecturing on his side - just keep focused on 'I know I am having problems with this and want to tackle it, and to do so I need your help, it may require adjusting our daily routine'.
If hes not listening or willing to help, or is actively encouraging/enjoying the dynamic of apologies - then you have another problem but it at least puts the issue out on the table and shows you are seriously in dealing with it.

Really hope things get better for you

Unfortunately you’re both in a vicious cycle and if I were in your position, I’d go it alone and be done with it. He’s making you a nervous wreck and it’s only causing you to make more errors. Really feel for you.

My DH is like you. I've given up expecting anything from him. I lock the doors at night, I fill the car up with petrol when it's low because he doesn't notice, I check pockets before washing, I turn lights off etc etc. I make sure we have everything we need for holidays, passports are in date etc. I make sure the smoke alarm is always functioning because he has put things in the oven before now and fallen asleep..... I do all the household insurance, everything. If I didn't, the house would have burned down, uninsured. I hate to say he might have ADHD, because it's the 'trendy' thing now, but having read the symptoms, I do think it's a strong possibility. Along with ODD. 😐 Life is not easy.

Honestly, if he has got time to do his running, he could probably do the morning dog walk and half the meals at the very least. When do you get time to go for a run or some kind of self care? If I was out of the house for 12 hours a day with a stressful commute to a full time stressful job AND was doing shopping, cooking, clubs, homework, not to mention having a health condition, strong medication and only six hours of sleep a night I wouldn't just be forgetful, I would be on the edge of a breakdown.

I think when you have adhd you normally are aware of it but there is just not that much you can do about it really so there's a tendancy to bury your head in the sand.

Re. The lying just for insight... you learn from a really young age that 'I forgot' doesn't cut it and that people will create their own narrative around that like they have in this thread ie. 'They are lazy' 'they are arrogant' 'they don't care about it / me / anything' and they will berate you and be more resentful than if you just try and cover it up. Same thing if you are late for work or haven't finished a project. Just saying 'I forgot about it' or 'I got distracted and just ended up not leaving the house on time' doesn't make sense to most people so you'll say there was traffic or that you had to do xyz instead as a priority so often that small lies just start rolling off the tongue.

I'm working a lot on openly saying that I forgot and why and this is easier for me because everyone at work knows about my diagnosis and I have some very understanding friends, but there's a really strong instinct to protect yourself sometimes and I sometimes still catch myself just as about to give some unrelated reason and have to pull it back.

This is why I think simply medicating adhd isn't enough and needs to be accompanied with therapy as it's not just the symptoms of the disorder that need addressing but learned behavioural issues and self esteem problems which don't just affect us.

To be clear I'm not saying your ex wasn't abusive, I don't know to what extent he did this and if he abandoned all responsibility for trying to manage it.

Tell DH to get off his high horse !

He needs to do more. Including the morning dog walk.
Why are you rushing to do that before a long commute while he sits on his arse?
It’s to make his life easier isn’t it ?

WFH means he can also do some housework, put something on for the family dinner and take his turn with the after school kids activities.

To me it sounds like he’s manipulated you into feeling inadequate to the point you’ll do most of the work “ to make up for it”.
Your life sounds exhausting !
I bet you’re walking on eggshells every day.

He’s got you where he wants you and he’s enjoying an easier life.

Stop apologising !!

You might find that if he relaxes a bit and allows you some slack ( rather than treat you like a child) your memory will improve.
As I said before, I think he a big part of the problem.

If I was working from home. The washing would be done, beds made, meal cooked, dog walked before work during breaks and lunch time.

I've three friends whose husband's work from home. One does all the cooking and shopping walks the dogs.

One does housework and cooking and the dog.

One does sod all because his culture thinks it's womens work.

Guess which one none of us can stand.

"What I don't quite get is why you are apologising to him. It's your house too, your furniture. I never use the handbrake (automatic), DH made a ring on the (antique) furniture with his cup - I was furious but couldn't see the point in huge ticking off as it was done now.
I would ask him to help you to remember"

@Shoppingfiend would you be as accepting of the damage your DH did to the furniture by not using a coaster if it wasn't a one-off? If he said sorry then did it again? OP has said she repeatedly forgets to do things, often things that potentially affect the family. We don't know what car she drives, so can't say if the handbrake is an issue. How about if your husband kept going out and forgetting to lock the doors/shut windows? If someone then stole your stuff your insurance company wouldn't pay up.
Also, why should he help her remember? That immediately puts him in parent state and her in child, which is unhealthy in an adult relationship. It's something MNers usually hate when it's women having to "help" men improve their behaviour.

@Fizzyrosie apologies are meaningless unless you do something to make sure you don't make the same mistakes. It does sound like your DH has grounds to be pissed off.

As others have said, I'd look at lightening your load, eg everyone eats together (what's the reason you don't already?). Then cut down on the booze (it affects sleep), and aim for 7-8 hours sleep most of the time. If that doesn't improve your memory then discuss with your GP.

I was just going to say this, OP, consider getting an automatic, then the handbrake is pretty irrelevant.