For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

"Real job, yeah. I've got a profession."

"Medieval and early modern tradition recognized only three professions: divinity, medicine, and law,[5][6] which were called the learned professions.[7] A profession is not a trade[8] nor an industry."

Couples counselling is the only way. He's avoiding it because he doesn't want to be criticised.

The "real job" comments are priming you for doing 99% of the work with any child you might have.

I suggested we write down what we’re feeling, and read those letters separately so we’re not on the defensive, before discussing the issues together. He tells me he’s too tired to deal with the stress of that.

I have broached the topic of counselling with him. He tells me he has looked at options, but is also scared that counselling will cause our marriage to crumble.

has now gone off to do some errands because he doesn’t think discussing it is getting us anywhere.

This man is not even remotely invested in you or your relationship. Your marriage is doomed.

I tell him the comments about my job are belittling, and he’ll then brush it off as a joke / me being uptight.

@SquashedSquashess is this a theme in your relationship? Telling someone that they are being uptight when called out for insulting someone is a bullying tactic. Domestic abusers use it to make sure the partner feels unable to express their own feelings or needs.

In a healthy relationship, he would hear that these comments are hurting you and stop making them. That would be because he cares about how you are feeling. I don't think this man is interested in making you feel loved, respected, cared for or secure. I imagine he will be nice to you enough to keep you wanting more but only when life is going his way. Making an effort to do something purely for you (unless it's grandiose and public) or adapting his behaviour to avoid causing you upset is probably too big an ask.

If I've described your relationship, please recognise that things will only get worse, even if you don't have children.

@dapsnotplimsolls And because NONE of this is his fault, of course(!)

I would urge you, in the strongest possible terms, not to have children with this man. Your situation will become 1000 times worse.

Agree with pps - his belittling your job is a sign of his fragile ego.

unfortunately for women, men often seek to bolster their ego by putting down women- particularly those close to them.

it is a big issue for you both and he needs to deal with it.

there was research done in the 60’s by a psychologist which found that contempt for your partner is one of the biggest indicators of divorce. ( someone posted about it this week, but it’s a well known study)

writing a letter may not be right way to do it. A counsellor will at least act as a referee, mediator and will also ensure he dedicates 50 minutes to it and doesn’t walk off in a temper ( which is what my ex would do if I wanted to talk about anything)

Next time you have a situation like with the boxes, don't do it yourself. This is what he's aiming for. He'll keep trying this til you stop asking him to do anything as it's easier to do it yourself.

I think he has been happier away too. Being lazy messy pig getting his digs cleaned up afterwards . Then he comes home to the nagging wife”in his eyes”
He is dis respectful to OP time and her job like op stated above .
She is the women that and it’s her job , this will get worse once a baby is around she will be left to cook clean and all baby responsibilities . Will she get back to work? Or loose all independence?!
.
He isn’t mature enough for a baby.
This is a recipe for a disaster for OP

The thing is, some people (like my husband 🤣) aren’t bothered if some cardboard boxes stay there a while. Other people (like me and you) are.

My husband leaves recycling on the bench to put out in the morning. Then forgets, in the morning. He would absolutely put it in the recycling at some point, and absolutely is not waiting for me to do it. He just doesn’t see it/doesn’t register it as an urgent thing.

This is also the case for friends that I have, in other ways - dishes in the sink waiting to be washed etc.

It would drive me crazy. It doesn’t drive them crazy.

He is happy with a big once a week blitz, you want it constantly tidy (I’m with you on this by the way).

The problem is that you can’t force your standards and ideals on someone when it’s their home too.

My husband has sort of trained himself to just do most (at least half 🤣) of things straight away and I really appreciate that and now giggle and lightheartedly sigh at the things he does forget because he tries really hard to remember even though they don’t register for him because they just don’t….

Because it’s not him doing/not doing ‘women’s work’ (mine does more around the house/kid stuff that I do as I work longer hours), it’s about the fact that we both have different standards of how we like to live in terms of tidiness, and we found a compromise that works.

Before we reached this point I had the simmering resentment too.

Nobody on mumsnet knows you or your husband. You know yourself deep down whether he respects you and whether you have an otherwise happy marriage. I am 100% sure that my standards are unreasonable in terms of what I like (I like a house like a show home and it’s just not fair on the other occupants) so actually, it’s me that needs to lower my expectations. All occupants of a home deserve an equal say in how it is run.

I earn 50% more than my OH and would never ever say anything about me having a real job and him not.

Why would I put him down like that? It’s just plain mean.

OP he is trying to keep you in your place, even though you’re a bloody solicitor!!!! Just think about that! Is this the man you want to have kids with? Is that the kind of view you want your children to pick up on?

I [...] think he’ll be brilliant dad, but we cannot bring a child into our relationship whilst we have these issues. He’s acknowledged that, and has now gone off to do some errands because he doesn’t think discussing it is getting us anywhere.

He might quite like the idea of being a 'Dad' in the biological sense, but he has absolutely no intention of doing any parenting.

He won't mind if you go ahead and have a baby - but it will be your project, your hobby, your responsibility, all yours. He won't take part except in the most minimal ways, and then will expect heaps of praise for 'helping you'.

At heart, he wants a traditional wife who does all the child-raising and home-keeping. Your job is just a hindrance to you fulfilling this role.

He does not want to discuss this before you get pregnant, because how can he possibly be honest with you and tell you that the above is how he sees things? He knows it is not "acceptable to women" these days to think and feel this way, so he avoids talking. Counselling is the last thing he wants.
He can't spell it out to you: " have a baby if you want, I don't mind, but don't expect me to change my life, it will be all up to you".

When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed.

This is only one thing out of your original post that shows you are trying to inflame the situation ( which you did ) and need to look at communication skills - both of you.

being good at something ‘niche’ that’s well paid and brings kudos and travel - meh. Not a reason to treat others badly.

IS it a ‘communication issue’, or is it that your H is sexist and treating you as lesser?

if he thinks counselling would lead to the end of your marriage, what’s he think will happen without it?

OP All of these issues.. will never go away until he learns some respect. Perhaps you will have to learn how to teach him some. By this I mean you demonstrate to him by action or non action that if he does not respect you then you deal with him like he is a child..let's face it he is childish.
Stop doing anything for him and that means any thing.

No marriage is perfect all the time and nothing gets sorted out without communication.

not Great updates at all. If you have kids you’ll be expected to do it all as he has the better job, in his words.

if you want to have kids and stay married I suggest from the outset you have paid help from his salary to replace the work he won’t do.

so cleaner, nanny and help with food prep, maybe like Gusto boxes. Or a strict rota.

otherwise you’ll be posting in ten years with two kids, no sex life and a broken marriage.

Resentment is corrosive.

My advice would be to nip this in the bud.

His job is niche, and very outing. He is a professional advisor / consultant in a technical area, and is often invited to speak at conferences. I’m immensely proud of him for his job, I just wish he would show the same pride towards me. The jokes are not self-deprecating, they are literally “oh I don’t have time to tidy, I actually have a real job”

OK - so he’s not out saving lives or whatever. He’s fannying around going to conferences and gets paid megabucks for telling people stuff, which is a fine way to earn a living but it’s not life or death stuff. Why on earth are you letting this man belittle you and your profession?

Yep. This more than anything. In his head there's clearly a pecking order, with him at the top.

He’s not nice, he’s a twat

Resentment rarely gets better.

I don’t think this man truly respects you. He is belittling you about your job, pretending to be joking. I’m not sure this man would make a great dad. I think you’d find if you had children, he would expect you to be doing all the work….

Also - him earning 50% more than you is irrelevant to the importance of the job, as anyone whose partner works in essential public services will tell you.