For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

You say that DH earns 50% more than you do - and that he 'belittles your job'
This is area to explore regarding your feelings and responses to these comments.
This issue will become more prominent if you have a baby
You will be taking at least some maternity leave - then you will need to look at work / career child care options going forward - if you are concerned now that he doesn't respect your job then this will only become more of an issue in the future if you add children in the mix

He is so dismissive, what a twat.

He thinks he is better than you - above you.

Before I married, I studied and my soon to be DH was working full-time. Sometimes he’d come home after 10hrs in hospital, I’d still be in my pyjamas and hadn’t done anything around the house. He’d take off his shoes and coat, put down his bag, empty the dishwasher, put on a wash load, and start cooking dinner. He’d even ask how my research/paper was going. He never thought those weren’t his jobs, neither did I and now (with kids, both working) there are no opportunities for lazy days ignoring the washing/mess and I wouldn’t leave it to him, not him to me. I wouldn’t have married him and had kids if he wasn’t like this because FUCK ME what is the point in a patronising man baby who thinks he is better than you? He will change, he’ll get worse. Proceed at your own peril.

You need to go to relationship counselling and if he is not prepared to go then the marriage will certainly fail at some point.
You should not have children until the relationship is back on an even keel, you can both communicate properly, he shows respect for your job and you have established exactly how the household tasks/childcare will be divided up if you do have children.

If he won't go to relationship counselling and won't even engage with both writing feelings down in letters to each other then I'm afraid he's not invested in improving the relationship at all. He thinks he's right and he's wrong and is not prepared to consider your perspective too.

You basically have a typical adult relationship. He has personality quirks that irritate you. You have quirks that irritate him. Adults just get used to this and muddle along with each other pros and cons. It’s only now we have the internet people start comparing and assuming it’s possible for every relationship to be perfect

Resentment after only 3 years married?!?

You need to either really improve the relationship together or split up. I'd put effort into the former and step change things before children arrive.

A "typical adult relationship" in which husband repeatedly belittles his wife and expects her to tidy up after him?
Really, @DonnaBanana?

I'm sure he is very nice etc, but the fact is he came home after a week of having his meals cooked and being praised by others, made a mess, resents unpacking his own bag, told you you don't have a proper job and played video games instead of tidying up his crap and going to bed with you.

If he doesn't think you have a proper job when you are a solicitor, what would he think if you were on maternity leave?

I can't stress enough the importance of having a baby with the right man. This isn't the right man for you.

"Helps" around the house? He lives there too. He's not 'helping'. He's doing his share like any functioning adult.
With DIY snort do you live in a wreck that needs constant DIY as opposed to the daily drudgery of washing, cooking and cleaning... I don't think so.

Honestly OP you're not 'communicating badly'. On the contrary he's telling, and showing you exactly what he thinks of you.

There's a Navajo proverb . You cannot wake a man pretending to sleep. You have told him that belittling you bothers you and yet he still carries on. By all means, try relationship counselling but really. This is as much of a problem as the 'big' things, like debt. The drip drip drip will slowly wear you down over the years.. also do you want to live the rest of your life as a handmaiden?

And for God's sake please don't get pregnant by this man!

Sorry OP, he is dismissive, disrespectful, thinks he's better than you and not willing to change. If he won't consider relationship counselling to help improve matters then that does not bode well for your future together.

And don't let the fact that he earns well stop you from leaving! So do you!!

Boxes and clothes aside first night back after a week away and his choice of entertainment is gaming.

A thirty odd year old man? Wtf does he think he is? That's only my perspective OP, I'm much older. Wouldn't bother. You seemed to have had a nice time on your own, which I can assure you is the best. Think hard about committing to starting a family.

I was about to say what BS, a solicitor is a difficult and well respected job then I realised I'm completely missing the point. If you worked an unskilled low paying job it still deserves respect. The salary difference is irrelevant, god knows many of the toughest jobs earn less. It sounds like his success has made him arrogant

I think you are right to address these things now. Does Dh really want children? If he does he will need to prove to you he is ready and you can play that card for a while. If he is on the fence about parenthood it is definitely trickier.

"I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks."

Stop doing this. I know the feeling but in clearing up his mess you're enabling him to continue behaving that way. Pointing it out to get thanks? Don't do that either. What's the point.

Personally if he didn't clear them away after a reminder a reasonable amount of time later I would dump them where they are in his way.

OP your husband isn't an "alpha male" pick up artist speaker is he?

Excellent advice.

Don’t hope that he will magically change if you get pregnant. Demand change now and then wait a year or two to see how it works.

I think there's two of you in it to honest.

The comment about your job isn't nice but the rest of it is a non issue. Who cares about the boxes, it's minor and as for the jewellery box, he offered a solution.

You mention using you tone to convey you aren't impressed.

This would drive me crazy too. I'm home after a week away being nagged about boxes that can wait. I'm unpacking but that's a problem too. You can't find keys to a safe which went missing while I was gone. That's my fault to. I offer to get into the safe but you're not happy with that either. Passive agressive tone coming at me. I would be questioning why bother coming home.

After a week apart, surely it should be about reconnecting. A nice dinner, affection etc. Rather than arguments to the point he'd rather stay up gaming that go to bed either you.

sounds like a total narcissist tbh. Seen this so many times and kids in the mix only ties you to them for the rest of your life. I think you already know the truth about him but need the validation. What do your friends/family think? or let me guess he is incredibly charming to them?!

You don't want a LTB but I'm going to give you one anyway.

This is him showing who he really is. He's been on his best behaviour until about six months ago. It will only get worse so bail out now. He's priming you to become the housekeeper and nursery worker whilst he does his own thing all evening.

Is the job joke really that insidious? Genuinely curious. Some couples have teasing banter and say things they absolutely don't think are true, just to be daft. Obviously being a solicitor is a real job! He sounds bright, he of course knows this.

If this joke is simply teasing but it actually touches a nerve, maybe it's because deep down you don't like that your job isn't as great/well paying/luxurious as his is 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think if you truly didn't care, maybe you'd tease him back with some ridiculous comment about his job. Quip back at him that they only invite him to conferences because he's a secret gay icon in that field, and all the male professionals pull strings together to get him on stage. Afterwards, they all draw straws on who gets to sniff his seat first, etc. I don't know, get creative. I'm sure there's something to take the piss out of his job for. If he got shitty about you teasing him back, you'd be well within your rights to call him a total mard-arse hypocrite!

Is the job joke really that insidious?

Yes. It's undermining her self-worth. It's preventing her from saying "you tidy your own crap up, we both work full-time". It's grooming her to accept quitting her job later on, which grants him enormous power over her financially.

You’ve correctly identified what the issues are e.g. communication and resentment. Unfortunately these are two key area that cause couples to split up or become deeply unhappy. For me the significant issue is that he constantly denigrate your job whilst habitually bigging up his own. As your partner as you’re confidant, as your supporter, he should be immensely proud of what your job ,of is your skills and your abilities and he should reinforce this to you. he doesn’t and he makes digs about “proper jobs “. I should say this is no environment to raise a family or introduce a baby if he’s making digs at you when you’re employed he will definitely make takes about you and your own mat leave and probably claim that you’re lazy and that you’re not doing enough around the house and that you’re unproductive.

People don’t fundamentally change or deviate from their core values or behaviour they may make some as adaptation and modification but they don’t fundamentally change. You need to decide if he is capable of being the man that you want him to be , as a husband, as a potential father. If he’s not then it is likely that this resentment and lack of communication will build up. ultimately would not be good for your relationship.

This is all awful. if you tell your spouse you are unhappy and don’t think you can have children with them (!) their response should not be running away. If they don’t love you enough to try to work with you then they have to go.

What would he say if you didn't have a 'professional' job? Or wouldn't you have even been considered if that were the case?

I have broached the topic of counselling with him. He tells me he has looked at options, but is also scared that counselling will cause our marriage to crumble.

Point out it already is crumbling