For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

I just want to say, as somebody who doesn't have "simmering resentment" towards my DH, bringing a baby into the world hits your relationship harder than you could ever, ever imagine. The first 6 months, there were times that we were both so sleep deprived and exhausted that I actually thought we wouldn't make it through to the other side without divorce. Please think very carefully about having a baby whilst your relationship is in this kind of state.

Very true. And also, most women are or can be perfectly competent DIY-ers given the chance, providing that their (if male) partner doesn’t see this as some sort of encroachment into ‘men’s work’. Because there are some specimens out there who feel threatened by a woman being able to change a plug fuse, depressingly enough!

didn't think it would need spelling out - we all know in theory how fast it will catch in a fire, but I have seen the reality of a staircase exit being lost in literally seconds because of the cardboard kept under it

Thankfully we saw it from the bottom of the stairs not the top, but could have easily been very different

My husband always made a point of telling me that my job was most definitely not a "career" and that I was an idiot for not finding a job that paid well.
Primary teacher.
EX-husband.
No regrets (well, apart from marrying him!) 😆

I wouldn’t marry a man who played video games!

@NoSquirrels great advice

Is he a barrister or a judge?

I don't see the job comment as a red flag, it's clearly a joke because being a solicitor is obviously a proper job. If anything it's a joke about himself/his job not being as 'proper'.
I wouldn't get hung up about boxes being left on a table for a couple of hours and hrs probably made the comment about tidying up because you sound quite nitpicky and he's justifying how he's spending his time.

You don't sound very pleasant either and clearly view your reading a book as superior to his YouTube videos. I prefer reading too but wouldn't 'make it clear I was unimpressed' if someone showed me something.

With the safe what do you want him to do? He's told you where he thought the keys were, and has said worst case scenario you'll have to get someone to drill the lock, is it because he didn't jump there and then to look for them? He's just got back from a week away working can't he relax in his home before setting to tasks?

You come across as looking for things to be annoyed about.

You don’t want LTB responses. Fine.

But I am just going to leave this year. I was with a similar manchild in my early thirties. I brought home most of the money, did everything around the house (from bills and admin to cleaning), every time I pointed out that I wasn’t happy with him not pulling his weight we bickered and he got defensive and angry. These men rarely see you get upset and think they’ll pull their socks up-and if they do it’s for a few days to stop you nagging and then they regress. I put off having kids because I couldn’t see how it was possible for me to do everything. I’m now 39, decided finally last year to end things after years of knowing things “weren’t quite right”. I might have kids, but have reconciled myself to the fact it is unlikely that I will find someone, and still be fertile in the next few years.

Anyway. I’d just like to leave my story here

He's a misogynist who thinks household task are your job and he deserves to sit on his arse the rest of the time like a tinpot king because he holds down a job. This would magnify x1000 with the presence of a baby.

You don't want to hear LTB, so... enjoy being at the receiving end of this, I guess.

But how is it a joke either way? Either he’s insecure because she does have a ‘better job’ and is putting her down or he does have a Very Important Job and looks down on her. Either way, it’s not funny and it IS a red flag.

I can’t stand men like this.

@SgtJuneAckland The job comment is 100% a red flag. He is saying to his wife "I don't see you as 'good enough' or value what it is you do." My ex-husband was constantly telling me my job (teacher) was "not a career". He was an abusive and controlling narc who got off on putting me down.

I think it's important to remember that our way isn't necessarily "right". Boxes didn't have to be put away / keys searched for at the exact moment you wanted. You're not the boss

Also, start as you nean to go on. I wouldn't pick up boxes. Not my job to skivvy

But, his comment about your job is greater concern to me. If he really thinks you don't have a proper job, that shows lack of respect

"I don't see the job comment as a red flag, it's clearly a joke because being a solicitor is obviously a proper job. If anything it's a joke about himself/his job not being as 'proper'."

The OP says this one is trotted out on the regular. I assume she understands the tone, nuance and intention of his comment better than you do.

@HeadNW I didn't say it was a Perrier award winner it's just a light hearted comment or maybe it's a reflection of how the OP positions/views herself? She seems quite particular about other things, I wonder if she's ever described anyone as not having a proper job. I just don't think it's a massive deal. If he had a big important career and she was a SAHM and he said it yes absolutely unacceptable, but there's clearly no truth in it, unless OP actually believes he sees a professional legal career as not a proper job it's just tongue in cheek

I think that any couple planning on having a kid should discuss exactly what that will look like for each parent. How much each parent expects to do, what impact it will have on their current life, how much they expect their life to change.

They should make a formal contract and each sign it.

Far too many stories on here about parents (usually the dad) who refuse to step up to the plate or to change their lives in any meaningful way.

@Haydenn Stay hopeful. I met my now husband late 30s after being married to an abusive man since I was 24. I now have a 3 yo daughter (and eye bags but hey!) 😃

"it's just a light hearted comment or maybe it's a reflection of how the OP positions/views herself?"

Again, no.

I'm a single mother. I do my own DIY, cut my own grass, put my own bins out, change my own oil, do my own tire pressure and am capable of paying someone else to do the outside jobs that involve going up a ladder (windows, gutters etc). Oh and I work full time, do all the housework and all the mental load. It's not that hard TBH.

^ This. Even if it was meant to be self-deprecating on his part, he is still finding a way to bring her down a peg or two. And let’s be charitable to OP and assume she can tell the difference between an actual harmless joke, well-intentioned, and one designed to wind her up

If you're not looking for LTB responses its because you know your post merits them.

Think about it.

Yeah this.

What's his job OP?

@SgtJuneAckland In that manner then... my husband is a low-paid social care worker and I'm a qualified teacher. Is it OK for me to tell him he doesn't do a "proper job"?!!!
To add, he does a bloody amazing job and I'm incredibly proud of him! I tell him this often.

And 'helps around the house with DIY'.

So handy and helpful but can't figure out how to open his parcels without leaving boxes strewn around for the nearest woman to clear away.

Him thinking that cleaning was my job, would be something that I don’t think I could get past.

This is how he sees you.
Why should he clear his own boxes away, when it is your job because you are less than him.

I personally couldn’t be with someone who sees me as inferior to them.

But I don’t understand the safe comment.
I feel like you got in a mood with him over this when it’s not his fault.
I don’t understand what you wanted him to do - help you look for the key, drill it open etc? If so you should have just said instead of being passive aggressive about it.

I definitely think couples counselling would be good for you to both communicate better but that is never going to make him see you as your equal.