For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Well I’m afraid I also feel women shouldn’t belittle each other on the basis of whether their labours are paid or unpaid. It’s a really destructive societal attitude that some women ( and indeed some stay at home dads) are somehow less productive within society. Children need constant care. Someone’s gotta do it. Some are paid to do it; some are not.

@Calliopespa I didn't belittle anyone. I simply do not agree that a SAHP is a "job." My hubby was a SAHP for a year. I asked him this exact question. He says that no, he would not class it as such. Doesn't mean I am not incredibly proud of him for taking on a role many men would shy away from. Or would they, given half the chance?

While he’s being agreeable’ I would book couple’s counselling. If he is as intelligent as you say he is, he knows his belittlement of your career wasn’t a joke. It sounds like he has real contempt for you and when he’s in a ‘good mode’ he might be able to keep it in check but a soon as he isn’t you’ll get the uncensored him.

I think you are underestimating how bad things are and if you ever got pregnant I bet he wouldn’t even bother pretend not to be the MVP in your relationship. I disagree, I don’t think he would be a great dad because his selfish self importance would place his wants and needs above everyone else’s. Which is easier for men to do when their partners are essentially the de facto parent.

Insist on marriage counselling, if he can make time for his important job and gaming he can make time for his marriage. I think deep down you know he isn’t very mature and as much as you want a child, you know you will be essentially a single parent.

This man is telling and showing you who he is, what he thinks of you and how much he values your marriage, please listen.

Are you able to define job in such a way as to exclude this work? Is it a case of financial reward?

I agree, it’s an ongoing debate that rages on. I can see both sides but I do lean more towards your argument and it’s interesting IRL most of the people I come across insisting it’s a job are those who don’t do paid work outside the home.

If you ask a working mother or father what their job is they’ll say they teach, nurse, work in sales etc.

So it sounds like some SAHP are trying to clutch at straws to say they have something as unfortunately not having a job can be looked down upon.

https://www.yourtango.com/family/sorry-being-stay-home-mom-not-job

My DS and DIL used to do this and it was really getting to divorce level so they went to marriage counselling and have sorted themselves out.
It's tough living with another person. I couldn't do it. I font intend having another partner because they just irritate me all the time.

When it gets to this level you really do need to fix it.

My friend had a senior position in a law firm and has a middle child with complicated needs. When she took Mat leave for her third dc, it became very clear being home and witnessing what took place that the care for her middle dc was not being adequately addressed. She changed carer but could not get the situation to a landing she was happy with. Additionally her oldest was having some social issues ( bullying) and she felt he needed more support at home than she was able to give working long hours at the law firm. She therefore took the difficult decision to hand in notice at her law firm and dismiss the carer and her cleaner. She now delivers the care her paid carers were unable to deliver satisfactorily. Her MIL, who was delighted when her son married my friend with her high-paying job because she loves the clink of pennies in the jar, now tells anyone who will listen that my friend “doesn’t have a job” because she chooses “
not to work” even though she is “ perfectly capable” of working. MIL fwiw works in a craft shop ( her interest sphere) where she sits and gasbags with the owner all day and occasionally puts a sale of sequins or craft glue through the till. Apparently the owner employs her “to cover when one goes to the loo” but it’s also likely the all day chatting feature. Meanwhile my friend is at home fielding sometimes violent tantrums from a heavy four year old as well as full time care for a baby and all the housekeeping. Yet apparently MIL is working and my friend isn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There are plenty of “ jobs” that are an easier load than lots of sahms bear.

What is good about your relationship? (I don't mean, what is good about either of you as individuals.)

Being a SAHP is a commitment to a daily responsibility that secures the future of society. It is indeed a job.

The opinion article you posted made some very silly points, for example that throwing a party and going camping are 'hard work' but that still doesn't make them a job. Of course those things aren't a job... There's no ongoing responsibility involved and it doesn't produce anything of value to society as a whole.

Anyway, the point I was making is that somebody thinking I don't have 'a proper job' and I don't really work doesn't affect my self esteem. I believe that I do work and that I do have a very important job, and so someone disagreeing with that won't rock my foundations. I was suggesting that OP might not truly believe her job is 'a proper job' if her self esteem was being affected by her partner's jokes. It turns out after all that they were jokes that the OP didn't catch, because she's protective of her hard-won career. I suggested a nerve was getting hit and it made her unable to take his joke in the way it was intended. Turns out I was right 🙂

I’d love to know what job he has if he thinks being a solicitor isn’t a proper job. He sounds like a professional 4 year old!

As usual I haven't RTFT only your replies, I just wanted to comment on how bloody refreshing it is to finally read a post where the OP had an issue, asked for advice, resolved (hopefully) the issue thanks to sound advice (I assume) she recieved. This is what this forum should be about but the majority of posts are NOT like this at all. I'm really glad you were able to have an honest and clear conversation with you DH and I wish you both well on getting past this and going on to becoming a happy family unit with some wee ones in the future 😊 thank you for restoring my faith in humanity x

I get the feeling some thing else is going on with him
do you trust him ?
does he respect you ?
does he make you feel happy?
that kind of stuff really what’s going on with him , if this a change in his normal I’d be worried
a child in this situation is not going to help maters
hold off for now and dig in to what’s going on
the fact that u posted is maybe a gut feeling u have that there are cracks

I completely agree with this. What is his job that is so much more important or proper than being a solicitor?

You lack communication skills and so does he ! You both need to sort it now or resentment will just grow and grow . Maybe consider counselling

I agree with you SAHP is but a job . It’s not to belittle anyone but a job is a job an actual profession .

Im guessing that you like the idea of being married but perhaps you should part as friends and not wait until things get ugly. You might be happier with someone who is a team player and he might be happier with someone who likes to mother their partner. Something to think about while you’re in marriage counseling.

Childcare is an actual profession 😘

I can't believe nobody mentioned how he convinced OP that therapy isn't necessary right now. It's so sad that she actually thinks they've made some positive progress.

I was thinking that too but had kind of lost interest trying to reason with people who have closed their eyes to the search for it and just want to persist with “ well I don’t want to acknowledge it as such, so that’s that.” It made no sense as an analysis as my friend was replacing precisely the same “ profession” that the childcare had been ( trying and failing) to do. Also plenty of “jobs” can’t be called a profession. So profession isn’t the defining factor.

It sort of confirmed exactly the problem which is, without any defensible logic or reasoned basis, people ( usually in paid employment) want to distinguish it and I suspect the underlying reason is a good dash of envy: see the poster above who says about most men wouldn’t touch being a Sahm but finishes with “ but would they, given half the chance.” To me that kind of summed it up: if their circumstances don’t allow it, it has to be downgraded to not a proper job. And in truth it CAN be an enviable role, but it can also be massively difficult for some. My friend has given up an enormous amount to take that path.

Anyway, we are detailing the thread somewhat I guess, as actually OP isn’t in the role of sahm - though she should take due note that if solicitor isn’t constituting a real job for DH, she may have a bumpy road if she wishes to deliver her own childcare in the future!

Hi OP, my marriage broke down on a similar basis… each of us having issues with housekeeping, in our case I was the clean one and managed most of the household cleaning chores but EXH would pick me up on things like leaving boxes out! Add our kids into the mix… but ultimately there were communication issues which led to years of resentment and then lack of respect. Counselling didn’t work for us but I think we left it too late. We were barely talking by the time we decided to seperate.

I would strongly urge you to seek counselling and see if things improve before bringing kids into the mix. Being a single mum is not how I imagined my life would turn out and I regret wasting so many years in an unhappy marriage.

Couldn’t agree more, @Calliopespa . It’s so depressing to see women’s domestic work endlessly denigrated on this site.

I would say hold off kids. Me and my husband rarely argued incredibly happy and after kids we are still happy but we bicker much more, not big stuff but I put it down to more life stress/ juggling kids work etc. if you are already bickering now it will get lots lots worse with a family.

Haven’t RTFT but both you and DH might wanna check out the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse work by Julie and John Gottman.
First link describes the Horsemen and second link the antidotes. If these don’t work in improving the dynamic, then IMHO it’s definitely one for couples counselling.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Suspect there is some underlying stuff that needs exploring and that what you’re arguing about isn’t really the actual thing either of you are upset about 🤔