For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Resentment rarely goes away, it tends to come out and get added to every time there’s a problem.
You know that this won’t get better when you add a baby in, don’t you? So be prepared for it.

I would book couples therapy so you can learn how to communicate properly.

He seems to think the house including his clothing is your job!

He was dismissive.

Things need to change and be isn't going to like that there are definitely attitudes in him that aren't ok. You also need to hear what irritates him about you.

Don't think about babies until or if things improve.

Some couple issues (maybe like the one with the key, or his jokes about your job) are about communication styles and can be improved by therapy. So that might be worth a try.

If you've already sat him down though and told him that you find it hurtful when he dismisses your job, even if it may be in heat, and he still continues to 'joke' or accuses you of being over sensitive...then he just isn't a nice person to be honest and there isn't much you can do other than accept it, because of his good points, or LTB

Leaving boxes out because 'he is too busy'' would infuriate me (not the leaving the boxes out, which I'd be ok with for a few hours, but the excuse). And proudly telling you that he has been tidying his own clothes away would give me the ick.

When you have a baby there is 10x the work and a tenth of the spare time you currently have, so if resentment is about someone not pulling their weight with chores or tit for tat arguments about who does more, this will only intensify hugely

When you said you’d looked where he said the keys where did he go to look himself?

I wouldn’t have a baby with this guy as chances are that simmering resentment will hit boiling point very quickly

Don’t have kids with him if he can’t put a few boxes away and wants congratulations for putting his own clothes away!

The ‘proper job’ comment is also a red flag for a complete prick.

You will be making a massive mistake to bring a baby into your relationship. All of the cracks you see now will become caverns with a baby in the mix. Your marriage is on very shakey ground.

He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

Genuine question. Why are you with a man who has no respect for what you do? His little "joke" isn't a joke.

He doesn’t seem to grasp how important effective communication is between spouses and is very dismissive of your concerns.

You are right to be worried.

I would definitely book some marriage counselling before having dc as pp suggested. Remind him that he’s meant to be on the same team and not an adversary.

"I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor."

This stood out for me.
He's an arrogant bastard.

Hmm.

Bad things from him: lack of respect for your job, being messy?, being a bit over-dramatic about normal household task?

Bad things from you: instructing him to do things/‘pointing out’ his lack, over-sensitive to huffy husband being a bit much about unpacking? having ‘a tone’ about him not immediately dropping what he’s doing to look for the safe keys.

You’re right neither of you are communicating properly.

If it’s that you like things a certain way in the house, and he’s messier/less organised/does less, you need to work on that openly, not ‘with a tone’ that sort of implies you’re the boss in charge of when and how things get done. Be prepared to listen. Pick your battles. Choose your moments. I’m not saying it’s all you by any means, or that you’re in the wrong about him being dismissive etc but OTOH if I’d worked away all week and was tired and on Saturday morning had to jump up to look for safe keys, I might not fancy doing that right away. I might think that drilling the safe was a ‘don’t worry even if we’ve lost them there’s a solution’ idea to say.

I don’t know - there’s not really enough to go on in your post because it all seems pretty minor but nevertheless you’re upset enough to post, so you need to maybe be more explicit with both yourself and him about exactly how you’re feeling and get to the why.

I mean, if that is a weekly situ then that does not sound great. Basically he doesn’t really respect you or your job or your time, he just pretends he does.

If that was once every six months then yeah ok.

don’t have kids until you get this sorted. Maybe get yourself a counsellor so you are supported to unpick your relationship dynamics. Read about transactional analysis, does he seems himself as the parent or child and find it difficult to talk to you as adult to adult. The Wikipedia page is enough to begin with.

What do you resent? Is it how he’s speaking to you / taking you for granted?

Not putting boxes away immediately doesn’t seem a big deal. Unless there’s a pattern of him not pulling his weight.

The job ‘joke’ is a biggie. Nasty.

Have you discussed what work changes you’d each make if you had DC? He sounds the type who would expect you to do almost all the weekday parenting, to the detriment of your wellbeing and earning ability, while he works as though he has no DC.

makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor. - now I truly would resent THAT. How out of order is that?

This sounds very sad and I think of you were happy without him for the week and the minute he gets home it goes sour.. maybe you would be happier apart. He doesn’t show respect for you regarding your job.

Why on earth do you allow him to speak to that way about your career? I really can't wrap my head around that. You just sit there like a lemon and say nothing? Him repeatedly saying that should be a deal breakers. It's shockingly disrespectful.

Yeah, the job comment is a big red flag. Arrogant and rude. And out of interest what job does he have that is more ‘real’ than yours?? I’m guessing he isn’t a neurosurgeon

Intrigued to know what his 'real job' is

It sounds to me as though all the good things you list about him are things that enjoys and wants to do, or which show off things he's good at or are things he values. As soon as it's something that's important to you, or that he doesn't value or enjoy, he either won't do it, or he does it with bad grace, expecting praise for it even when it's a minor task that's his job.

If you have children, he will apply the same attitude to parenting. He'll do the bits he finds fun, and will sigh wearily if you 'nag' him to do any of the other bits. If you go part time, or even just when you're on maternity leave, he will ramp up the 'I have a real job' attitude.

please don't store cardboard under the stairs....

It might be worth checking out this thread if you are still considering having a child with him. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4994138-the-dad-privilege-checklist?page=6

Why do women always say ‘he does the DIY’ as if it’s comparable to the daily labour and emotional load women do? It really isn’t

Don't have kids at present with him .No this isn't the best basis of a relationship at present .Would he go to couples counselling with you .
Are you happy or have you settled.
That job comment is a worry.

Why? Are you worried Harry Potter will get cramped?

Agree with this. What kind of reception did he want ? It’s a week’s conference- he hasn’t brought home a woolly mammoth for you to skin!

what is his ‘proper’ job? And why does he consider it better than his? A solicitor- by anyone’s standard- is a good job, so this is almost certainly his jealousy/discomfort that you perhaps have a ‘better’ job than his.

the huffing and puffing putting the clothes away is a red flag- he obviously expected you To do it. Sadly - he already thinks you should act like his mum. This will get MUCH worse when you have kids. so you need to knock this on the head right away.

I’d start by calling this behaviour out immediately. Keep it specific and factual- it’s the only way he might realise what he’s doing. Say something like ‘ when you do x and y, it makes me feel like you don’t value me’. It means you aren’t directly blaming him, and he can’t disagree with how you feel.

ask him why he seemed annoyed when putting clothes away? Did he expect you to do it? Does he do that for you when you come back from a trip away? That will make him think twice. He’ll probably deny anything was wrong but it might make him think twice about his assumptions.

then book in for couples counselling. You need it before you have kids.

I know you don’t want a LTB comment, but these attitudes really grind you down over time. If he doesn’t change, you will leave him for this behaviour after a few years and a couple of kids.

You sound a bit precious/passive aggressive, telling him what to do, snorting your way back to your book, expecting him to help you find keys to safe (my jewellery is worth about £5 so don't get this)

He sounds self centred and messy, inconsiderate of your feelings.

You would both have a big shock if you had a baby.

If you don't want to LTB, you need to communicate about housework, tidiness etc and how you establish something you're both comfortable with that doesn't involve you giving him instructions and resenting the bits you do. There is no magic wand, this is the work you have to do in a long term relationship.