For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

DH earns 50% more than I do.

I tell him the comments about my job are belittling, and he’ll then brush it off as a joke / me being uptight.

No “big issues” like unfaithfulness or debt. Just terrible communication and resentment!

DO NOT have a child with this man.

If you two can't even handle a relationship with just the two of you then you have got zero chance when a baby comes along.

Disrespecting your profession and dismissing your feelings are big issues.

Give him a bit of time out of the house to mull it over op. He sounds like an intelligent man and he will be thinking about it as he drives. Men need a bit of space sometimes. The letter idea is a bit intense if you ask me and he’s not obliged to do it if it doesn’t suit his style. The fact that he has researched marriage counsellors is hopeful I think. Let him reflect on it.

Try and have a positive conversation when he returns. Agree to see a counsellor and then put the dispute to bed and spend the afternoon doing something enjoyable together. Ringbox the conflict and agree to revisit it at an agreed time tomorrow as you can waste days simmering with resentment when it’s better to address it properly with the help of a skilled, objective professional. Have eight sessions then think carefully again.

It’s hard to tell from what you have written but the job comment in particular is concerning. Your dh may turn out to be a misogynistic arrogant twat. You’ll know whether he is or not depending on how willing he is to accept his mistakes in therapy and move forward and work on changing. And you have to work on yourself too as we all make mistakes in our relationships.

Don’t wish to sound preachy but have been married aeons and love is a verb and a choice. There will never be the perfect partner. You have to actively demonstrate and reflect the things you want in a partnership yourself (if your other half turns out to be worthy of that effort).

@StandardLFinegan A "good" husband does not repeatedly put his wife down.

He actually just sounds like a typical man, they never notice mess and it really annoys me! My OH will leave things for days before tidying, so I do it in the end as I just can't stand it anymore. I'd love to live alone and my DP to just stay over every now and then 🤣🤣

Don't be silly lol

do the counselling.

maybe point out to him that in many other areas if we want to improve something we work with an expert:
personal trainer to get fit, architect to redesign a ground floor layout.

this is the same.

its possible to get pretty far (in terms of time) into a relationship between two adults before the real discussions and compromises come up.

Neither of you are communicating clearly. You have to learn how to and then dare to.

in the things you listed id rank them like this:

• disrespect for your professional life. Easy to brush away now but suggests he deep down believes he’s doing the real work and you’re just pretending. Very bad sign if you don’t tackle head on otherwise he’ll assume you’ll make all the career sacrifices for any kids you have. Probably some underlying sexism in him there but he’ll never have through about it
• your jewellery and the safe. I think you are worried about this and wanted both his emotional support and practical help but you didn’t communicate that clearly and now you’re upset you didn’t get what you didn’t really ask for
• tidying up boxes and unpacking exactly how you think he should. Doesn’t sound like he’s a slob on this stuff. Just that he does it differently to you. It’s common for there to be a tidier / tidy as you go one in a relationship and a messier / do it in one big blitz. As long as basic standards are met one isn’t better than the other. I’d find your approach controlling and belittling. It’s costing a lot of emotional capital. Probably the area where you need to do the most self relfection

resources to try - look up the book Fair Share which provides a framework to have this discussions.

also the podcast Feel Better Live More - the episode on how to build exceptional relationships - listen to it together.

could be a way into deeper discussions

when people say long relationships/ marriages require work, this is what it means.

DH earns 50% more than me (even tho I’m the one that gets invited to speak at conferences)

it's not about that, it’s about him being rude & dismissive about what you do. Why does he even need to do that? If he’s secure in his well paid so wise man job, why the need to belittle what you do?

and actually OP it is the little things that matter at the end of the day. It’s the little ‘jokes’ every day about how important & well paid he is compared to you, how you’re ‘nagging’ him, how he can’t be expected to remember the ‘small stuff’ which is actually about your day to day life and therefore not actually small

do not have a baby with him until you have got to the bottom of his attitude forwards you and why he thinks he’s so much more important

I think it is at the stage where you need to point out that not doing counselling and not making changes will cause your marriage to crumble

but he needs to respect you, if he doesn’t now he sure as hell isn’t going to when a baby is born

Likewise - that's also me.

Hes good at his job, I expect you're good at yours. How convenient for him for you to be so dazzled by his brilliance that you can't see he is undermining you and lining you upto take on all the grunt work at the expense of you career, and only yours .

I honestly don't see he has the makings of a great father. At all.

I am married to a science Professor, he has been a keynote speaker at international conferences and been on TV and radio many times. He has also done some consulting and his research is a contribution to society. He is the most modest man you could ever meet. My job was nowhere near such a big job as him and he made a point of saying when I did worry about it you are just as intelligent as I am, I need a woman just like you. He will chat to anyone and is as considerate and polite to the cleaner where he works as to the Vice Chancellor.

Yours sounds like he has a fragile ego which is why he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. This is nothing about you but all about him. Do not have kids with him unless this gets sorted, I fear it won’t. He sounds the sort of misogynist prick that does not deserve any kind of relationship.

When out and about how does to speak to retail and hospitality staff?

Having a baby will take this situation and make it a million times worse.
Relate offer a fab couples counselling service. We've used it and it probably saved our marriage in the long run.
I'd try that if I were you and get this put to bed before you even consider thinking about having a baby!

I think I covered that in the sentence:

”Your dh may turn out to be a misogynistic arrogant twat”

I’m getting on a bit now. If you were my daughter, this is what I’d say.
I know these things are frustrating. Bit if you’re good people and love each other, focus on that. Tbh, to me, it sounds very heavy to start writing letters to each other over tidying the house and finding keys. Do you laugh? Have banter? If my dh told me I didn’t have a real job because his was big and important, I’d laugh at him. And then tease him about it. And the boxes? If you’re bothered , tidy them yourself. As long as you don’t act like a martyr. If you feel he needs to do it, ask him when it’ll happen. Pick your battles and don’t turn small things into huge things. If he says something crass, don’t act all hurt-tell him he’s being ridiculous. If, however, there is fundamental lack of respect from either of you and contempt, these things need serious fixing or you will break up.

He really wants to keep you in your place, doesn't he?

I doubt he'll improve and will likely get worse after kids. He's not who you thought he was.

I was going to mention this. Also maybe think about you enjoyed the quiet and tidiness when he was away.

@StandardLFinegan He already is.

Exactly!

He might be yes or he might be reacting to op standing over him like a parent asking him to tidy up. A skilled counsellor will get to the truth of it.

Some people come home from being away and do need to decompress and can't cope with being asked to do anything until the next day. If he has been at a conference and been lauded and admired by everyone it can then be quite hard to come home and be a normal person and put your own clothes away.

The first is for you and the second is for him. I suspect if you didn't already resent him you would have done that anyway. Being happy to destroy your belongings and complaining about untidiness when you already do more tidying and complaining about your job suggests he doesn't see you as equals or that you are a person with rights. If you think you might want children in future the sooner you get out of this relationship the better.

Have a serious chat with him- discussion should I say. Then let him respond with how he feels too.

I think although irritating, nobody is perfect.
Sounds like normal married life to be honest.
I love my husband but sometimes he annoys me with certain behaviours. I probably annoy him too.

I always look at the positives though. He loves me, he cares for me, is loyal, thoughtful (most of the time) and is a good father. I also know he would always be there for me and that’s what matters.

Being a solicitor isn't a proper job? On what planet?
What's his job?

It sounds like he is grooming you to be a maid for him when babies come along. Because your work as a mother and a solicitor isn't proper work so you should do the cleaning and life admin too.

Tell me, how much house work, cooking and life admin do you do at the moment?

He sounds arrogant, selfish and entitled, both qualities that make for awful partners and awful parents.

Dont clean up after him, he knew you would sort all his packaging out if he left it, and he knew he wouldn't even have to thank you for this. Because he is entitled to your labour, because he is better than you. Which he tells you regularly, his job (and him) is much more important and valuable than yours.

Having children with men like this is lonely and frustrating and you end up either beaten down by it, or utterly furious. Unless you will be happy to be a supporting role to his main character. And presuming he will be happy for you to stay home with kids and he earns enough for that, and you are ok making yourself that financially vulnerable. Consider your desired future and what you plan to do next carefully.

I think if you plan on starting a family these issues need to be ironed out beforehand, a baby shines a football stadium level spotlight on any festering issues.