For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Agree.

I do the diy and the gardening at home. I learned from watching YT and being able to read instructions. It probably did help that I had woodworking class when I was in year 7 so learned the basics and enjoyed it. Being able to do those things is not particularly difficult and most household diy and gardening is pretty basic.

There are countless videos of women doing diy on YT, not sure why some people make it out as still a man’s thing. What do they think single women did before they met their spouses? Many of us just did it ourselves.

The thing about the job needs nipping in the bud 'hey dh it makes me feel a bit shit that you think it's funny to look down on my job, can you cut it out please?' And if he doesn't stop then it's a wider issue.

Boxes and safe keys-these seem like little things to me. Are they hills you want to die on? Does it matter if boxes stay where they are for a few hours, or if one person doesn't immediately jump up to solve a problem that is in no way urgent? When I was first married to exh I could get very precious about this stuff-I recall one huge row about him buying a PlayStation because I felt it made the lounge untidy and I didn't like the look of the wires. Now I just think-he had every right to the PlayStation, it was our joint space and whilst I had a say, it wasn't for me to dictate. We could have just got a nice box to keep it in, job done. Point being that your priorities/opinions on how and when things should be done might not always be the same and that's fine-compromise is needed. If you don't think the same on anything at all, that's when you need worry.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for if you don't want LTB comments. Work on yourself and your communication skills. Work on your expectations in a relationship. But even if you do all that, you need to accept that you cannot control your partner's behaviour and they may continue to treat you in a way you do not like.

I had simmering resentment for my ex-husband. I was a poor communicator in that relationship and I could not express my needs at all. But to be perfectly honest, even if I was the best commutator in the world, he was still the sort of person who was not compatible with me and we still would have butted heads over everything no matter how I said it.

You value a tidy house, he does not.
He values whatever he was watching on you tube, while you do not
You value gifts from your family, he does not
You value your job, he does not
Usually if there are small values like this out of sync, much bigger ones are out of sync too.

There is a theme in your posts of him expecting you to act as a servant and be grateful if he makes a small contribution to the running and maintenance of your home. This mysogynistic attitude is likely to escalate with time and to step up significantly if you get pregnant and again when the child is born. At that point he knows you can't just walk away.

You need to adjust your expectations of him. He should treat you with the same care and respect he receives from you. He should also take equal responsibility for the running of your home. That means you stop thinking of him doing DIY as helping out. He isn't doing you a favour by contributing his time and effort and taking on some mental load. Split the jobs in the household equally and stop being grateful when he does his share. Doing that is the bare minimum you should expect.

If he doesn't accept the change of expectations, you will know that staying with him will condemn you to a lifetime of subservience, placing his wishes above your own needs and the high likelihood of being a victim of domestic abuse if you aren't already.

Honestly , this reads like a load of old nothing.

I don't understand why you posted about your routine and keeping the house clean why he was away. So? That's what anyone does, it doesn't warrant a pat on the back.

Then you actively ask him for thanks for disposing of the boxes, why?

The safe key thing, he offered you a solution which you didn't like. And that led to simmering resentment, again, why?

I see why posters are saying it reads like he thinks the house is your job, but actually you sound so highly strung and demanding wanting things done when you click your fingers.

If I want something done RIGHT THAT INSTANT I accept I'll need to do it myself.

Snapping your fingers at him huffing and sighing sounds so passive aggressive.

And I actually think it's you who comes across as thinking you're superior, not him, I'd love to know the back story to the job comment.

As someone who has recently separated from their OH please do something about this.
I was completely blindsided by them wanting out because they had not communicated a list of resentments of things I did that would have been easy to rectify.
To put it into context I did more than my share of childcare and homemade, in fact laundry was probably the only area I rarely got involved in.
I would suggest you go to couples counselling to both air your issues and learn how to communicate better as a couple.
I wish my OH had made me aware earlier before the resentment actually destroyed the relationship and marriage.

There's a dad privilege thread going on right now. I can see him ticking a few boxes

Sorry if I'm completely wrong but did you say you'd told him you weren't the last one to have the safe keys? I'd be wondering if my jewellery was no longer in there if he wasn't being very helpful in trying to find them??

I do agree with the poster above who said you're not looking for LTB responses because you know deep down your post merits it. Sorry OP. Please reconsider having children for now until you get your communications sorted.

Does he do anything other than DIY around the house or do all the chores fall to yiu

@griseldaaaa exactly, I thought I was going mad.
I think there's a lot of projection on this thread from people with lazy arse husbands or exes. If DH demanded of me like OP does of her husband, I'd be telling him to sod off!

? I'd be wondering if my jewellery was no longer in there if he wasn't being very helpful in trying to find them??

This is madness, your first thought if your husband, having just come back from a work trip, didn't jump to find the safe keys, would be that he had stolen your jewellery?! Who on earth have you been in relationships with 😂

I hope your proper solicitor job means you’re a red hot divorce lawyer. He’s a twat.

I have to know what his job is op?

You didn’t use the keys last (so he did) You asked if he’d seen them, he deflected. I bet he will “find” the keys and be very “I told you that you hadn’t looked properly” For some reason I’d do an inventory of the contents. Btw, he is an arse.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and comments so far.

Some clarifications:

1. I completely agree this is not a suitable environment for a child, and have been stalling on conception discussions
2. On tidiness - DH does value a tidy house. But he will leave things to build up for a week, and then do a big clean, whereas I tidy as I go. This is my frustration - his complaining about mess when he leaves dirty plates out etc
3. His job is niche, and very outing. He is a professional advisor / consultant in a technical area, and is often invited to speak at conferences. I’m immensely proud of him for his job, I just wish he would show the same pride towards me. The jokes are not self-deprecating, they are literally “oh I don’t have time to tidy, I actually have a real job”
4. The safe issue has clearly not been conveyed clearly. I wasn’t expecting him to find the keys immediately, but asking that he just keep an eye out / let me know if he has any other thoughts on where they could be. No, he has not searched for them himself. My jewellery was my mum’s, and the safe was a gift from my stepdad. I don’t want to destroy the safe to retrieve my jewellery. I don’t suspect my husband of thieving, he has no need to do so and is scrupulously honest.

I have broached the topic of counselling with him. He tells me he has looked at options, but is also scared that counselling will cause our marriage to crumble.

I suggested we write down what we’re feeling, and read those letters separately so we’re not on the defensive, before discussing the issues together. He tells me he’s too tired to deal with the stress of that.

I have explained I don’t want our marriage to fail, and that I love him and think he’ll be brilliant dad, but we cannot bring a child into our relationship whilst we have these issues. He’s acknowledged that, and has now gone off to do some errands because he doesn’t think discussing it is getting us anywhere.

He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

yeah this will be used as the reason why, if you have a baby, it’ll be your responsibility to do all the childcare because he has a biiiiig important proper man job requiring sleep/lie ins/ focus and you just have an itty bitty lady job which needs none of those things

you need to nip this ‘joke’ in the bud now

His job is niche, and very outing. He is a professional advisor / consultant in a technical area, and is often invited to speak at conferences

oh please! I get invited to speak at conferences in the UK & abroad. It doesn’t mean I get to tell my DH he doesn’t have a real job

Yep same here! If the only thing a man contributes to my household was doing the odd bit of DIY, and left me to pick up everything else, then why would I even bother ?

I can definitely see why you are annoyed.

You tidied the house and he comes in and makes a mess and instead of just putting the boxes away, he just left them there.

If he is as tired as he said and it wasn’t urgent, he could have waited to open them later and bin the packaging after he was finished.

You tell him that you can’t find the safe keys, he had them last, and he says they are xyz, but he could have gone and retrieved them or showed you where they were since he could see you were worried or ask if you wanted him to get them if he was busy.

Not going to even touch the job thing.

Him going back to YT after seeing that you were worried, does he usually do this with other things or is this a one-off?

I know some will say he’s not a mind reader, and you could have asked him to help you yet, there are some things that shouldn’t have to be asked.

I completely agree this is not a suitable environment for a child, and have been stalling on conception discussions

Maybe instead of stalling on conception discussions you should be clear with him that there will be no conception until your relationship is in a better place? Really open up the discussion, maybe get some couples counselling

If there is resentment now, it'll be 100 times worse when a child is in the mix

He acknowledges there is a problem but won’t address the issues.

So what does he expect the outcome to be then?

Don’t be me. I’m 45 years on from you and he’s still as dismissive. I should have left years ago but never had the guts.
Too late now.

Yup. All of this just confirms that he's a misogynist. He will always think that his job is the Big Important Man Job and it is your job to do everything else, and he doesn't really give a shit about your feelings. He's just toooooooo tired for them.

I mean it's very early in your marriage to be talking about counselling without there being some bigger issue that you're not raising here (which fair enough might be the case). You have different approaches to cleaning, neither are right and it may be one of those perennial arguments you have forever.

But the job comments are just bizarre, how is a solicitor not a proper job? Clearly there's something else going on, potentially you asking him to do things is making him feel inferior and he's lashing out but it's still a really odd thing to say. I'd just totally ignore it to be honest or say something like 'You do realise I have a proper job don't you? I assume you think it's funny to say that but it's really not'.

Does he pay for more or something and is hoping that by saying that you'll feel insecure?

Here's my prediction re his response.
He comes back from a stressful week away, doing his real job, only to have to hear you nag him about trivia. Maybe you have room in your head for all that shit, but his massive boy brain cannot cope. You need to stop giving him a hard time. You're being unfair. Didn't he sort his own unpacking, after all?