Husband asking me what will happen to him and kids when I die??

[Justawoman88]

Was in the car driving home and my husband said as an statement that if I died then him and our 3 children would be out on the streets and that I need to sort out a will. If he died still I would have money and I can live happily .
To give context, he's never been the provider, never had money . 10 years married and I've been the provider and the reason we have a roof over our heads. Truth is , I have nothing to my name. Years of spending my savings plus working and giving my family everything. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders. I think this comment is sickening. I don't know, if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly .

Does he look after the kids?

If he goes back FT will it make it difficult with childcare?

Does he do the majority of the housework and cooking?

You need to work out if you are basically acting as a single parent or if he contributes in others areas apart from financial.

If you are basically a single parent and he doesn’t contribute much in other areas, then I’d seriously consider ending this relationship.

Thank you, you're right..
The issue is I have no assets, no money, no house. We are both meant to be working and providing. 7 years ago he went self employed and from that moment he stopped contributing. Had our moments here and there where he made promises and did but then would go back to not contributing again. Times are so hard at the moment, maybe that's why the comment really hit a nerve

How on earth do you have children and have never talked about this before? Even if you aren't homeowners you should have life insurance policies and made wills. What is either of your plans for your kids should both of you die?

There's only one thing you can do. Be honest. "Yep, you'll be fucked."

I do feel like a single parent, leaving is very very difficult. Impossible actually. As he just doesn't leave me alone. He will follow us, sleep outside in his car, ring the door all day and night, scream sorry through the letter box
the kids get upset and its so draining I end up giving in

No he doesn't cook or clean.

The things is he does work, he is gone all day working. Self employed but he doesn't make much he says.

Thank you yes I never thought of that

Then you call the police and they will remove him. If you leave, and stay with family or in your own rented place without his name on the lease then the police will remove him if he harasses you.

Honestly, I know leaving is hard but your life with him is already hard and a bit rubbish sounding to be honest. A few weeks of difficulty will be worth it. And if he does any of what you have described here then you call the police.

@Justawoman88

The reply button doesn’t work properly so no one knows which posts you are replying to. You need to either use the quote button or use the @ before their username.

Oh love. This is your only shot at life, just this one tiny chance of existing happily before we become memories, you deserve SO much more of a better life than this and so do your kids.
Do the hard thing and get yourself out of this utterly shit marriage. One day you'll sit in your new place, however tiny/difficult it is to get there, but you won't regret it! Be brave and get rid of him

Is he honest about how much he earns?

He sounds like he contributes nothing to family life.

He sounds like a nightmare, OP. He should definitely be contributing.

But you should make a will regardless and should get a life insurance for your children’s benefit. What will happen to them if they’re left with their lazy father? Unfortunately, life is so unpredictable.

My husband is the main earner in our household. I work too but without him we’d lose the house. He didn’t think he should get life insurance even though I gently brought it up a few times. Now one of our friends (young, fit and a new father) has been diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. It really can happen to anyone and it has completely altered my dh’s perspective.

Both of you should have wills.
The intestacy rules vary in different countries, but you should check the rules for where you live.
Re Life insurance.
You should BOTH have life insurance (but not so much that you are worth more dead than alive), if your DC are under 18. This is often required if you have a mortgage, so the basic life insurance would be to pay off the mortgage if either spouse dies
I believe this because if the DH were to die, then it would be more difficult for the OP to work and care/support for DC and may have to pay for childcare etc.
If the OP were to die, then yes, the DH would probably have to get a job, but again, depending on ages of DC, they may need more paid for care, etc.

Yes thank you everyone, life insurance is the answer. I wish I had thought of that..I don't actually have any assets or a house . We're renting-
He is out all day working too just like me , I come home before him with kids and he comes home at around 8 pm. The frustration lies in even after all that there is no contribution. He is always broke , always complaining of having no money.

If he claims to be worried about what would happen to him and the kids (financially?) if you die, you need to see evidence of what he is, or isn't, earning. Don't just take his word for it.

I had one like that OP. You can get rid of him, you just need a plan and a will of steel.

This is your life until you die or he does. You can be happy.

Tell him if you died he'll be fucked won't he as he's a lazy fucker who doesn't know how to provide for his kids.

Personally I'd be worried he was thinking of bumping me off with a comment like that. Don't tell him if you organise life insurance. Hold it somewhere else.

So he is abusive and a sponger. Do NOT get life insurance (or at least, don't tell him you're taking it out and make the kids the beneficiaries).

Is he really working all day and still not bringing in any money? Is it possible he has another family somewhere, or a massive gambling /prostitute addiction? Because I can't see how someone can work all day and not bring in ANY money.

So he’s either making lots of money and hiding it from you or isn’t working as much as he says he is.

Sorry OP but you need to end this relationship.

If he shouts through the letter box and doesn’t leave you alone then you threaten to call the police and if he carries on then actually call them.

The reason he doesn’t leave you alone is because he knows that he can wear you down and you’ll take him back.
You need to stay strong and prove to him that you’re not a pushover.

He has got it great hasn’t he.

This is not a partnership.
If he saw you as an equal partner, he would try and contribute in equal measures but instead he’s happy to let you take on everything and then moans about you dying, not because it’s sad but because he’ll actually have to work, cook and clean.

OP said, she has nothing, spends it all as she goes along. I imagine "nothing in my name" means the house isn't owned.

OP what do you mean by "no contribution"? Do you mean he keeps all his money and spends it on himself while you pay for everything? Including his food and electricity and gas and council tax etc. etc. etc. ?

He needs to quit freelancing and get a permanent role and start contributing more
Why the hell does he think you are the only one who needs to contribute financially, what the hell does he do all day when he is ‘working’ ….. if that is what he really is doing, can he retrain / upskill

I wouldn’t tell him that you are taking out life insurance…..let him stew….. he should also be building up a savings pot for the future, he sounds like a cocklodger who is having an easy time, tell him to grow a pair and get a job where he is in a position to contribute….why should you be doing everything

He can't be working all day and have money. Even on minimum wage, even if he was working 5 days a week, out until 8pm, he would have enough to pay his share.

Like PP pointed out, he's either lying about how much money he has or lying about working.

He doesn't get to say he's working to keep up appearances then contribute nothing. If he is bringing nothing in, he needs to stop with the pretense and become a SAHD. But of course that would mean he cooks, cleans, does the school run, etc. And from what you've said, this man is lazy down to his bones. So not sure he'll agree to that.

I agree with you. Out of interest,Do you advise this to housewife’s who don’t work?

Life insurance is a waste of money in your circumstances. It is meant for people who have a lifestyle significantly-above-minimum, usually with a mortgage, and who would like to protect that lifestyle and property for the children if a parent dies.

If you have nothing and don't earn much, then if one parent dies the remaining parent will be supported by benefits whilst they look for work.

Don't waste what little money you have on life-insurance premiums.

If your the main earner then yes you should have a income insurance policy that also covers sudden death even if it pays out into a trust for the children once there 18/21/25

If you want to stay married then your husband has every right to want to know what will happen if something happens to you & your the main earner & vice versa if you were a stay at home mother

Are you unhappy in the relationship ?

You say he works all day till 8pm -
He is self employed but earns pocket money - what is your definition of pocket money ?
I find it hard to understand why he would keep going working such long hours for
' pocket money '
Everyone has a different concept of what pocket money would be.
Also you don't say how much you earn either or what you do ?
I am guessing that you are in a conventional job that enables you to rent / get credit etc so in that sense you are the main wage earner in that sense.
Surely your husband can't earn so little as it doesn't make sense for him to work full days until 8pm !