Husband asking me what will happen to him and kids when I die??

[Justawoman88]

Was in the car driving home and my husband said as an statement that if I died then him and our 3 children would be out on the streets and that I need to sort out a will. If he died still I would have money and I can live happily .
To give context, he's never been the provider, never had money . 10 years married and I've been the provider and the reason we have a roof over our heads. Truth is , I have nothing to my name. Years of spending my savings plus working and giving my family everything. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders. I think this comment is sickening. I don't know, if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly .

Everyone should have a will and life insurance when they have children.

If he has been raising the children and enabling your progress then of course he's right to be concerned. What age are the children? Can he look at returning to work, although you may then have to step up and do more of the childcare?

Exactly this! I don't understand some of the comments at all...

And I wouldn't tell him about it either!

so how would the beneficiaries know about the existence of such policy?!

Whatever the ins and outs of any relationship we should all plan for our death or incapacity. Its basic common sense to have a will and power of attorney.
Pension scheme can pay out to nominated person or be split .
I wouldn't be annoyed about this conversation however is this how you want your life to continue and example for your kids

It’s normal to have a will if you have children, if not just to appoint guardians if you both die. It’s pretty much why we did it, if one of us died the other would inherit as that’s what happens in a marriage. We both have assets although I only work part time.
is your dh a sahp, p/t low wage earner - what? I think that makes a difference.
It’s not wrong to talk about provision though. Dh and I currently discussing getting power of attorney sorted (in our 50s) - we’d do it for each other and the adult DCs can also hold it. It’s depressing AF but you just never know.

Mumsnet would rarely say this to a vagina recliner (female equivalent to cocklodger)

She didn't say this was gaslighting. She said if she confronts him she knows he will gaslight. Read properly before you comment making OP feel worse than she is.

OP, does he work at all? What does he contribute? Ask him what will happen to you and the kids if he died? And if the answer is "you'd all be fine because I provide no money or support or do anything"...then you could just get rid of him if you feel this poorly about your life/relationship.

And get a will that gives everything you do have to your kids, with trusted people to hold it in trust for them if you can't trust him.

If you're married the last thing you need is a will as the rules of intestacy mean he receive your estate.
Whe he/you need to sort out is life insurance so that you would have the ability to pay off mortgage debts and then be able to afford childcare and life expenses should.one of you die.
Obviously he'd have to buck up and find some employment.
You might already have in service death cover from your employer.

More context is needed.

Are you the sole provider because he can’t be bothered to work or because he’s been a SAHP?

If he can’t be bothered to work, then why are you still with him and if he’s a SAHP then it’s a fair question which I’m sure a lot of women who don’t work worry about.

You both need to put plans in place for what happens if one of you dies (or leaves).
A good place to start is having life insurance.

I think this comment is sickening

You need to grow up.

If you're the main or only earner you should have life insurance that would support your family incase the worst happens.

Similarly, critical illness cover.

Everyone should make a will. In the OPs case perhaps leaving her estate to her children and none to her husband.

Right to ask about a will, not in the way expressed.

You BOTH need heavy duty life insurance, an amount to both pay the mortgage off / buy a home plus however many years of childcare.

Having no will when married isn’t as big a problem as having no decent life cover, at least in the years when there is a large mortgage and no massive £300k+ amounts of equity involved, that would make intestacy tricky.

If you're married the last thing you need is a will as the rules of intestacy mean he receive your estate.

My understanding is that applying for a Grant of Letters of Administration (the term for when someone dies intestate) is a bit more complex and time consuming that applying for probate (when someone is appointed an executor under a will).

Soma good reason to make a will, even if you're happy for the estate to be distributed according to intestacy rules.

Mind you, only 1 in 2 people in Uk have made a will (or thereabouts) so the OP is hardly unique or feckless! (There is something g a bit grim about contemp,ati g one's inevitable mortality)

BTW ( in case anyone reading can't afford big premiums) if you insure an income rather than a lump sum it is a lot cheaper. So, eg, £30k ( with an annual increase eg ) pa until youngest is 21. Also this income is tax free.

Any life assurance needs to be written in trust for the benefit of your partner, children etc so that it doesn't form part of your estate and therefore potentially liable to a 40% IHT if it makes your estate come in over the IHT exemption level. NO IHT between spouses).( You can put an existing Life Assurance in a trust just by requesting the form from the Company.)

Also it would be paid out very quickly whereas estates can take a long time , even years, to settle.)

Also you need to think about whether your policy ( if it is a joint one) would still serve your purposes if you were to divorce or would you need to cancel and take out new policies at a much more expensive rate as you would be older.

I find the most strange thing that OP doesn't want to minimise the possibility of her husband and children being destitute in the event of her death. Even if you don't care about your husband, surely you want to make sure that your children are provided for?

As others have said, lack of a will doesn't matter (assuming they live in a country where husband inherits) but life insurance is simply a good idea for all parents. You should also consider what happens if both parents die (e.g. in a car crash) - do you have guardians chosen; will they have money to support their bringing up of your children?

Husband could easily contest a will that left no provision for him as a ‘dependant’ - a life interest in the home would suffice, assuming they own one.

Even life insurance solely in trust for kids would be accessable to him because he would need the money to provide for them.
I know a couple who are trustees for their young Grandaughter’s trust of £500k, he is spending it at an alarming rate but she won’t dare to stop him.

Making sure that either party can survive and successfully raise the dc in the event of their partners death just seems sensible.
There should be life insurance and perhaps critical illnesses cover.
The person doing the caring role is usually more vulnerable in this situation.
This should be something sorted out between you both as a couple.

It’s not gaslighting, but there are obviously issues here. It’s of course normal for many families that one parent stays at home with kids. Rare in my circle, but still common.

It’s not true that your husband / wife automatically inherits when you die without a will. The intestacy rules mean h/w inherits chattels and the first £322k. The remainder is split 50/50 between other half and the children. That means (for many people who relatively significant assets) there’s an entirely unecessary 40% inheritance tax liability on what the kids inherit if their half is over £325k, and you have children who are absolutely entitled (ie it’s theirs outright) to a large share of the estate at 18. There are two ways to own a house jointly: one (joint tenants) means the h/w co-owner inherits on death, the other (tenants in common) means the above intestacy rules apply. It’s silly not to have planned / thought about all this. Really everyone needs a will. And ideally a lasting power of attorney (if you have any non joint assets of accounts especially). You can get this all done for a few hundred quid.

Term insurance is v v cheap for most people under 50 and absolutely people should get it if the family’s lifestyle would fall apart without one or the other (whether as main earner or child carer). Most families couldn’t manage without one of the couple!

Many many main earners also get insurance that would pay an income if the breadwinner is unable to work from illness etc.

Honestly, as parents we all really need to think about this as people can sadly die young and unexpectedly.

Separately, you clearly feel v resentful and that’s obviously another problem to address. It’s horrible to feel taken advantage of and exhausted xxx

There is nowhere near enough information in this post for anyone to be passing judgement. Regardless, EVERYONE should do a will.

Why isn’t he working?

You need a will.

He's self employed but hardly makes anything. Refuses to do anything else . We're renting, don't own any property nor assets. I think he's so used to me being the provider he's assuming I have means to look after them if something was to happen to me?

He's self employed..makes a bit of pocket money if anything. He had a full time job before the kids but it all started to go downhill once we got married and had kids

Sounds like it wasn’t a mutual decision for him to hardly earn then? Does he take the brunt of the childcare or is he just another child you take care of?

If you’re frustrated with his lack of contribution and it’s killing the marriage then divorce him. There aren’t any assets so you’re not going to lose much. Divorce him. You’ll be better off as he will need to get a job to support himself and then he’ll pay maintenance.

If you don’t divorce him then you’re making the active choice that this is acceptable to you and you’re happy with it. You will not change him. He will not step up and contribute. If you choose to stay then that is what you are choosing.

Whichever choice you make, you still need life insurance. You have kids and no assets. What do you think they will live on if something happens to you? Your kids need supporting so get life insurance.