Husband asking me what will happen to him and kids when I die??

[Justawoman88]

Was in the car driving home and my husband said as an statement that if I died then him and our 3 children would be out on the streets and that I need to sort out a will. If he died still I would have money and I can live happily .
To give context, he's never been the provider, never had money . 10 years married and I've been the provider and the reason we have a roof over our heads. Truth is , I have nothing to my name. Years of spending my savings plus working and giving my family everything. I'm tired of having the world on my shoulders. I think this comment is sickening. I don't know, if I confront him I know he'll gaslight me or make me feel silly .

I’m not sure how you avoid being worth more dead than alive, especially if you get the life insurance when you’re young! I’m worth half a million dead (life insurance to cover the mortgage and bringing up DD from birth, though she’s now 14 so it’s a bit excessive these days). Alas, I don’t have that kind of money alive, even when you factor in my share of the equity in the house.

You might need to have a conversation about… your self employment gig is not working, you need to find a job that lets you actually pay for yourself. At the moment I am subsidising you, without any of the benefit of a stay at home parent. What do you contribute? Not money. Not household chores or childcare. If I was on my own I would have more money. You need to contribute half. Or move out.

@Justawoman88 ignore everyone saying yes you need life insurance he’s entitled to that - they haven’t read your updates explaining that he doesn’t contribute either financially or will domestic load. From the way you’re describing the conversation he also sounds whiney and selfish.

To you, he is an extra child except he’ll never grow up and move out. If you let him, he’ll keep dragging you down forever.

He’s a bad example to the kids of how a husband should support a wife and family. In this setup, you’re teaching them it’s okay to accept treatment like this from your husband. One day, you might watch your daughter accepting this from her husband too unless you show them what’s right.

I suggest telling him to leave and either calling the police when he turns up or moving and not telling him your new address. He can still see the kids - you can drop them off.

Keep coming back to the thread so we can support you to stay strong.

@annoyedatlandlord

She does need life insurance. She has children. I’m a single parent. I don’t have a husband. I still have life insurance because my children will need to be supported if something happens. She needs a plan for her children to be financially supported if she dies.

He needs to stop with the nonsense of being self-employed and get a job, minimum wage if necessary. I’ve known musicians, artists, craftworkers and all sorts who have had to face reality and do the same.
Or you need to realise that you are the sole carer for all of them.
What would happen to your children if you die? Would he step up and parent them well? If not, then you have no reason to stay in this relationship; sobbing, pleading and begging notwithstanding. What would be the negatives of him not living with you all?

What on earth is he doing until 8 pm if he's making no money? Does he do a job where he'd be paid cash? If not, insist on looking at his bank account.

Have you ever seen his tax returns?

Honestly, if he's not doing any childcare, cooking, cleaning and he's not contributing, I would get rid of him.

Being self employed and not earning any money is just having a hobby.

@Itslegitimatesalvage sorry I meant that’s not her most pressing concern and he’s not justified to demand it so he can be kept in the manner he’s become accustomed to. It would be for her kids.

Thank you for your reply , I do really agree and this is how I feel alot of times.
I've said those words to him ,imagine someone doing this to our daughter and he is then remorseful and gives a bit of money here and there but it never lasts long and we're back to square one. I either make myself believe its not so bad and its just a vicious cycle.
He is literally like my fourth child and I dream of an easy life without him , its just impossible. He would never let me leave him . Believe me I've tried .x

There is always an option to leave. It may take some strength and planning but why the hell would you just waste the rest of your life living in this existence? Contact some women’s charities, the police, who ever you need to for support and don’t waste another day on him.

Can you explain how he is not allowing you to leave

He sounds like he is dead weight

He has shown me his accounts when I confront him and he has no money. I've been marries to him for many years and knew he was bad with his money and the deal was that he would give me his wages but then slowly he just stopped and I think I was embarrassed to ask or didn't want to seem like I was nagging, especially because I was earning good money. He did take advantage of that

It’s not his choice is you want to leave him. You just need to be strong and not take him back.

@PonyPatter44

Yea I mean he might come home with £20 and he would say that's my petrol for tomorrow or something along those lines. Me and a close friend have done digging but never found anything like gambling, affair etc

This Dosen’t make sense, how is he working long days, up until 8pm…..and bringing home 20…..can you explain what he does

Is he being paid cash in hand that he isn’t telling you about

Whether you have found evidence or not, why carry on giving this parasite house room?

@Zanatdy

Yea I do agree, it's important to talk about issues such as this. I think there's just so much in my situation that's not right , that this comment made it seem very disgusting. He works but doesn't contribute financially. I am living from pay to pay check, sometimes I honestly don't have £10 to my name which was a far cry to how much i used to have . It was like that comment coming from him was like oh but this isn't enough what happens if you die? I haven't got anything more to my name..

He needs to get a job that PAYS money, otherwise it’s not a job that he is doing!

What is he doing all day? just wondering around, doing his voluntary work?

Do either of you have life insurance? It might be an idea to get some then no one is going to be out on the streets if either of you dies, thus no more comments like that

@AcrossthePond55

No he's not a SAHP, he goes out to work alot but he says he doesn't make much, or doesn't say anything and just doesn't give me. All the bills are in my name , he just wouldn't pay bills if I left it to him.
I have kicked him out many times but he will cry and force his way back in. (Sleeping outside in his car , Following us , begging , crying, ask for one more chance )

Mean comment.

But you DO need a will and life insurance policy. If you don’t have these things, sort them out next week it doesn’t take long. Don’t do it for him do it for your kids.

Was the first thing i did after i found out i was pregnant.

@DeeLusional

I would actually love for him to go. It would make my life easier. Joyful even. If he was mature enough. Its impossible to get rid of him..I am stuck .

You keep saying that OP, but WHY is it impossible?

Nothing is impossible

It’s not impossible to get rid of him at all. Could you look for somewhere else to rent and then just move without him?
is he on the tenancy?