To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

I would choose healthy snacks if you aren’t already. Maybe the gp or school nursing team can advise? It sounds like exercise wise she is doing enough. She is at an age where her body may start to change which is why she is hungry. I would try not to stop her snacking but make sure they are fruit, crackers etc.

Sending support, OP. My DC are obsessed with snacks and junk food and then pick at their proper meals. But they are thin so no one judges and assumes we’re giving them a balanced diet. They don’t really like eating that much, I think a lot is down to portion size and enjoying the feeling of eating and feeling full.

Dropping in to say I used to secretly eat. Still do. It’s emotional eating and I’m chasing an easy high. Something about the sneakiness and the actual sugar rush. Felt immediately bad after so ate more to feel better.

removing the unhealthy snacks doesn’t necessarily stop it - I can remember eating handfuls of frozen sweetcorn straight from the freezer.

please help your DD access some support to get better. I wish I’d had that from a young age instead of now being middle aged and constantly battling the urge to hide what I’m eating.

I empathise. I have had this with my eldest for years and she is mid 20s. Active, and goes to the gym. Stealing food and hiding the wrappers, you name it. Bright and successful but just has an issue with eating.

I am honestly not sure there's much you can do. I did try, for years. But she got to an age where she could buy her own shit and there's not much you can do about that.

She's recently been diagnosed with PCOS so maybe there always was a predisposition.

I think I wouldn't buy malt loaf, biscuits or breadsticks.I'd buy plain unsweetened yogurt. But also try to get her some therapeutic support.

I'd stop buying snacks. Offer healthy meals ,lots of protein and veg with a little carb . Fruit or yoghurt as snacks. Encourage exercise too.

My mum, brother and auntie called me fat
I became anorexic and bulimic and dangerously underweight for years as a result.

This is a really unpopular thing to say on Mumsnet - but some kids overeat and get fat before a growth spurt. It's happened to about half the people in my family: we're the ones who ended up tall, sturdy and athletic.

I'm not saying there are no changes to be made - malt loaf's a devil in disguise, and the 'yoghurt' in biscuits doesn't make 'em any healthier - but, beyond swapping the snacks in your home for options with better food value, I'm saying it could be worth waiting to see what happens in the next couple of years.

DD may well be approaching puberty, with all the dramatic changes it brings, and I wouldn't advocate either making her feel insecure about her body or leaving her hungry at this stage.

I like your idea about slow-cooker meals, @AmIThatMam. As well as having more fruit and less cake/biscuits in the house, could you fix things so she can make herself 'tea' when she gets in - a ham salad sandwich on brown, maybe, or sardines on toast? Then, if she eats less at dinner, it's OK because she's already had some proper food.

Switching from low calorie high carb (which includes fruit where sugars convert to carbs) snacks to veg/fruit alone isn’t going to work. If she’s hungry, which she may be as could be growth spurt, just veg/fruit won’t stop the hunger pangs. Make sure there’s a combination of fruit/veg and protein. So apple slices plus cubes of cheese, carrot sticks plus hummus etc. also, sugar is very addictive. It’s often used in ‘low calorie’ foods to improve the taste and mouth feel. Before you take stuff away add in the less harmful sugars which may slow down cravings. Fruit is an obvious way to do this so keep it easy access and tasty, but increase the protein available as well, cheese cubes, hummus, boiled eggs or egg muffins. Make sure there’s a readily accessible range for her to select and don’t worry too much if she has apple slices, cheese cubes and a boiled egg and much smaller portion of evening meal. She may just be someone who’s metabolism is more suited to grazing than three meals a day

I have been slim almost all my life but I remember putting on some weight at the age of 9 or 10. I was just so hungry. Literally was never full. Must be the age for a growth spurt! I had a lot of snacks in the evenings.
I can still remember my school photo in year 5 showing my bloated face and I was shocked - my dad and my brother thought it was hilarious and take the mick- 2 years later I was about 5 stone and close to an eating disorder.
You sound like a lovely mum who is concerned. Please don't tell your daughter she is overweight. She will know.
It's impossible not to know.
Remove the sugary snacks and replace for healthier options. Don't buy as many of them..
Do you do walking or sports together at weekends as a family?
It could just be a phase and hopefully will pass x

Even the “normalised snacking” is fine if it doesn’t cause issues. Because of my upbringing and the low calorie dieting that only led to weight gain when I fell off the wagon, I was an overweight grown up for a long time - always (miserably) counting calories. It all changed when I had my boy and learnt about nutrition. I was forced to clear my plate because my grandmother lamented how they’d had nothing during the war - I shouldn’t waste food etc etc. Oh the irony when they all started calling me “tubby”.
Anyhow, I never did that with my DS. I let him finish when he was full, letting him learn his bodies cues. No one was EVER allowed to comment on his eating or his choices. I never said no. The end result is a very slim, self-regulating and self-limiting 11 year old. He chooses fruit and cucumber over chocolate. He likes sweets, but I buy the packs with individual bags, so it’s easy to portion.
He’s not keen on breakfast or midmorning snacks, so eats but very little at that time. He eats whatever lunch at school and then comes home ravenous. So he has fruit, veg and a (full fat) yoghurt or something like that. If it’s really bad (PE day) he may have a small sandwich or homemade muffin to tide him over. He has an almost grown up portion of whatever dinner I’ve cooked. DH has a newly acquired (thanks Covid) heart condition, so we had to go to a very low sodium way of life (fgs!) - so no more takeaways. So I make loads of slow cooker meals with adding only little salt, and we have started replacing certain meats with lentils and chickpeas (great in curries, chillies, bolognese).
It’s bloody hard work. And though I think we may consume a decent amount of calories, the switch to less processed foods means we’ve both lost weight. No one’s hungry and snacky in the evenings anymore. It’s weird.

I think if your other kids aren’t overweight, then maybe you really need to reconsider whether she’s as happy as she seems. Whether there actually may be something medically underlying, whether she drinks enough water, when she eats etc.

I still maintain, like many here, don’t talk about it. Just sneak in a healthier life style bit by bit. Also, I like the rule of no food in bedrooms. I just know my clumsy oaf would spill stuff but if she’s more the graceful type and not accident prone I like the “we don’t want to attract ants or mice” approach. 😄

I reckon this thread’s a lot to digest (ha!) but you’ll figure it out. No harm in chatting with your GP and get their advice, either.

And finally, because I love our floofy idiot dogs…maybe get one if you’ve ever entertained the idea. Forced exercise even on the shittiest, rainiest days. I curse them often. But I still walk them. 🤣

My children have had different issues with food. Our school nurse has been brilliant. Might be worth a chat?

I think it's very difficult for kids these days. I was very thin as a child/teen but it was expected we did a lot more exercise (I had a 3 mile cycle ride to school every day and then back again, no exceptions, we had no car) and also the house was bare of extra food. Honestly, we just didn't have snacks around. We ate well but only at mealtimes so I was always hungry and pleased to see dinner!

Nowadays there's plentiful delicious and addictive food around which most families can afford and obviously we eat too much of it, I would have done myself if I'd come in and found cupboards full of biscuits, malt loaf, breadsticks, crisps!

Kids are taken to school and don't play out. You can see this is all part of the problem, plus, we are sensibly wary of saying to a child they are too big, because anorexia is a much more life-threatening problem than being overweight as a child is.

But being overweight also leads to problems and can sometimes never be escaped from once it's set in as a child. So many large people and children around. I just have no idea what the answer is, other than beginning with no snacks in the house (won't help when they get to secondary school though and pass shops on the way.)

Good luck, OP, I hope you manage to find a good way through this.

The problem is the sugar and refined carbs that these types of snack consist of. This leads to spikes in blood glucose, which in turn leads to further cravings for similar types of food. It is a viscous cycle.

These foods/snacks do not provide any real nutrition, so not only do they feed cravings, but the body still wants to get fed. She needs lean protein and plants, as well as complex rather than refined carbs, plus small amounts healthy fats and dairy.

Sorry - I meant to address this to the OP...

My mum was overweight all her life & used food to show love/control.
I had an eating disorder from 14-22 & still have food issues. I’ve been 6 stone at current height & over 15 stone. She never really understood my bulimia.
im now over weight size 16 but 14 stone. Please don’t pass on your food issues. All my siblings are morbidly obese.
Just try & cook healthy meals, give healthier snacks.
Maybe ask her why she’s sneaking food is there an underlying issue? Bullying etc.
Youre obviously a caring mum but don’t pressure her at 9 she’s got a lifetime of being judged.
Good luck.

I was just about to say this too.

my kids were starving when they got home from school and that was the ideal time to give them a nice and satisfying dinner.

Do you WFH OP? How flexible can you be with regard to meal times.

I agree about the mealtime thing - you could even see if saving her meal that she doesn't eat, and then having it there for her to re-heat when she is next hungry works. At least then she is getting a meal instead of endless snacks.

If it isn't down to meal times, and is a form of compulsive eating, then this is rarely about the food.

No-one wants to be fat, and no-one goes around oblivious to the fact they are fat. Food is already an issue in your household now, and so talking about her weight will only ever make it more of an issue.

Chances are, she has an emotional hole she is trying to fill with food. Mine was from an unloving mother - it's probably not hers, but as a loving mother, you are best-placed to find out what that hole is. Think about her other relationships, and think about what happens before she steals this food - what is triggering this eating if it isn't hunger? What else is she hungry for? Food is a common substitute for security, love, connection, happiness or stimulation (boredom eating)

The moral judgment placed upon fat people hides how it's not a moral failing or something that can just be changed with 'willpower' (this actually leads to eating disorders for people who have that willpower). 'Food issues' are not about food.

Sometimes it’s not the food so much as drinks added in, does she drink a lot of milkshakes / high calorie juice on top of the food ?
We had to cut those out after noticing the same thing and DD was back to her normal weight in no time, also added some extra walking in.

People are being absolutely fucking mad describing the tomatoes in bolognese as "full of sugar".

Plain tinned tomatoes are absolutely fine. I think usually where people go wrong with pasta is portion size. Its easy to shovel it in, so people often load the bowl with a huge pile. If its a home made meat sauce, made properly with tomato, carrot & celery, the sauce is fine.

Focus on filling the plate at meals with the green veg - broccoli, kale, asparagus, spinach, and less of the starchy bits like white rice.

Agreed re the malt loaf though. Those things are desserts in our house, not snacks.

I give very few snacks between meals at all but what i allow is only really fruit & salad type veg and not bananas. So cucumber/celery/peppers/tomatoes/carrots.

DD was a fat 9 year old and is now university age, and very inclined to tell me everything I got wrong as a parent.

She says it was a mix of comfort eating for the emotional cuddle (she has a disabled brother), expecting praise for eating (as he didn't eat anything unless pushed), obsessive/compulsive habits and, a long way down the list, actual hunger.

She has replaced obsessive eating with somewhat obsessive regulation of exercise and fitness, and is 'slim until I stop thinking about it, grrr'. She swims fast, cycles fast, rows and lifts weights. And she puts weight back on very easily.

What should we have done when she was 9? I'm still not sure. But it's worth thinking about emotional needs as well as nutritional ones.

@BitingtheSkirting

You did the best you could at the time trying to match all of the needs of both of your children.

You are bound to have got stuff wrong - we all do. Your DD in your position (and your position was NOT having the benefit of hindsight) may have done exactly the same.

When she has her own family she probably won't make the errors you did - but she will make plenty of others.

FWIW, I blamed my parents, particularly my mam, for so much when I was in my teens and twenties, and it is only now many years later that I realise what horrendous stress they were under (a dreadful family situation to cope with, exacerbated by a very manipulative and vindictive close relative) that I see that I would not have coped even as well as they did.

We never get it completely right when we raise our children, I expect.

Thank you, EmotionalSupportViper, that's appreciated

Yes you're right, there have been some nasty comments which were completely unnecessary.
It's just that I think you took a couple of helpful comments the wrong way, like the one you replied to which I quoted.
But I'm not here to have a go at you, and I'm glad you've found some good advice. Fwiw I've been in a similar situation and I remember how it felt 💐

I think this needs nipping in the bud before she is old enough to have control of her own money and able to go to the shops independently. I would limit snacks to one thing in her school lunchbox similar to whatever her friends have, so one bag of crisps or a chocolate biscuit. Not both. I think most children are hungry when they get in from school, and it's quite reasonable to allow a couple of (plain) biscuits, but put them on a plate and don't leave the packet accessible. I also don't allow my children to eat upstairs mostly to avoid the mess. Could you try buying fruit lollies or ice pops for pudding? My DD loves these even in the winter. They usually have very few calories.