To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

I haven't read the full thread but I get it.
It's taboo to tell a child they are overweight.
I had the same issue with DS. We are a tall slim family on both sides. His sibling was as thin as a rake. DH and I can eat whatever we like and not gain weight. Then my 9 year old got chubbier and chubbier.
I said nothing because I thought puberty would sort it out, I just repeated healthy eating stuff. Guess what, he didn't get thinner.
Eventually he confided in me his distress at being fat.
It was a game changer and we worked together to change his diet, habits etc. I bitterly regret not doing my job as a parent and tackling it sooner just because I was afraid of telling him.

He's now a slim healthy adult but he's not that way naturally, he still has a tendency to over eat and gain weight and has to watch it a bit.

I think you are getting a lot of harsh comments here OP.

I'm surprised your DD just helps herself. We are not strict at all but my kids would always ask for stuff first and expect that they might not be allowed. Let her have 1 snack if she's hungry after school then wait for dinner. I think your meals sound fine but just make sure they come with loads of veg.

Doesn't sound like she's that active so I would try and up that. Good luck!

Also I very much doubt she is overweight because of the tomatoes in your spag Bol. Ridiculous!

Posts like this make me feel so sad for the kids in question. It’s great you want to help your child OP. But absolutely do not mention or even hint at her weight to her.

I was the “fat kid” and I can guarantee you she will be aware of this herself already. I cried once at school when a comment was made to me and vowed never to do it again. I never ever told my mum about the comments. Once my friend did as she could tell I was upset at school but I brushed it off.

I didn’t eat differently to my sisters (both normal weights) and I look back at photos and think “but I didn’t even look fat!” I think it’s that I was pear shaped.

So while my mum never directly said “you’re fat/overweight”, I grew up hearing things like “oh you look slimmer today” or “go for black, it’s so slimming”.

I have an awful relationship with food to this day. Yo-yo dieting, bad body image, social anxiety etc and I know it’s related back to being “the fat girl” and I could cry for her.

I would also say yes encourage and provide as much healthy snacks etc as you can but does she not deserve a little treat too? Something to look forward to in moderation. Because if restricted she might end up bingeing.

Thank you. I'm really not trying to attack - even put a 'x' at the end of my message 😊

We're all saying the same thing, these 'under 100 calorie, healthy snacks' are really a problem. They're empty, no meaning calories. There really isn't much of a difference between malt loaf and haribo - trust me I'm a sugar addict

Look at the book Ultra Processed People by Dr Chris Van Tulleken. He did a documentary called What are we feeding our children. Ultra processed foods are ubiquitous and addictive. There’s also a podcast on BBC Sounds where he and his brother speak of their experience of UPF

Just don't buy any snacks to keep in the house, then she can't take them. If you're out somewhere buy one for a treat.

My mum had to do this for me, no unhealthy or sugary snacks in the house. It worked (when I was young).

I was overweight as a child and my weight has yo-yo'd ever since. My advice would be to talk to your daughter about health rather than weight and clear ALL snacks out of the house, unless it's raw carrott etc. It's very difficult giving something up if you are surrounded by it.

1. Have her tested for being pre-diabetic, hormonal problems, etc
2. find a child psychologist who specialises in eating disorders and have her go to therapy. All sorts of things could emerge that affect her eating

you need to nip This in the bud

@AmIThatMam There’s a fab Instagram and Facebook page called ‘kids eat in colour’ that’s a paediatric nutritionist. She has brilliant advice on there. I’d recommend giving her a follow

I’m going to buck the trend and say be open about what is a healthy weight and what isn’t.

My Mum suffered with anorexia in early adulthood, so would let me eat as I pleased. There was unhealthy food, which was home cooked, and plentiful. As I got older and expressed that I felt fat, she would always tell me I’d grow out of it. How I shouldn’t be thinking about my weight at that age. (Any age was what she meant).

I wanted acknowledgment, guidance and support, and I give that now to my own daughter. We talk openly about what a healthy body is, and that includes what it looks like. We talk about the implications of not taking care of our health, and how that can affect us in so many ways, including those superficial ones, as well as the obvious health issues.

I think at 9yrs, our children are very aware of what weight they should be and I’m sure your daughter has an opinion on her body shape. Not saying it, doesn’t make it go away, it simply prevents acknowledgement.

Sorry to hop on so late OP and apologies for not reading every comment. I wanted to add my thoughts as it resonates with me. I had been a slim child until 11 when I stopped growing taller for a while. I was teased for being tall and a little overweight at school and had very low self esteem. I would come in from school hungry and make myself a boiled egg and buttery soldiers! Then my DM would be home and make a traditional British dinner, where you had to eat everything on your plate due to the mysterious "starving children overseas" rule. So you can see where that leads. My DM's reaction was to take me to the Dr and he prescribed amphetamines... you have to love the 1970s.
It wasn't until I was 15 that i was able to explain to my DM I was just hungry at 4.30pm and didn't need the 7 pm meal as well. I also did not like that kind of food all the time, so started stir frying for the family, making veggie curries and delicious salads etc. but of course I was much older than you DD. However, it fixed the problem.
I am wondering if it would help having a chat about her favourite foods and also about the time she is hungry? You can frame it around what you liked at her age, when you were hungry, without pointing a finger. I like the idea about leaving crudites and home made cheap houmous for her to grab from the fridge when she gets in, or a bowl of prepped fruit as others have mentioned. Getting her involved with the cooking is also a super idea that was mentioned. Because of my own experience I have had a better insight with my DD when her weight fluctuated pre teens.
Good luck, you sound like a lovely Mum x

Yeah, anytime I see an overweight child I put that blame on parents. You’re the one buying the food… you’re the one keeping the pantries stocked with high caloric, zero nutrient food.

I’d just try and get her dinner asap after school/sports. So if you cook it the day before, so be it.

Check out Diet starts Monday by Laura Adlington, its a fantastic book all about Body Positivity, body confidence etc and has a great section at the end about talking.to kids about Body Positivity, Healthy Eating and stuff.about Eating Disorders. It may help both of you
Having had a DC who would only eat beige foods and was underweight I feel your pain, all I can say was, in my experience it did get better, but it was a mentally tough road.

Gosh, people can be unkind!
i think it’s worth exploring with a GP or health care professional as this does sound like disordered/compulsive eating to me - especially if she just eats whatever is there until it’s gone.

You could control what’s available by putting the less healthy things (biscuits/crisps/malt loaf) in higher cupboards or out of general reach and providing healthier alternatives (unlimited fruit/natural yogurt/veggies and high protein dips like hummus).

Its so tough though, I became overweight at 11 because my M&D had been so restrictive that as soon as I had some freedom I ate all the “bad” things that had been restricted so blanket bans and the mentality that some foods are “treat” foods isn’t that helpful either…

I would chat to her about how she feels when she snacks, why she likes snacking even when she knows that dinner will be served soon - it certainly seems to have an element of compulsive behaviour/lack of control and if that’s the case there is probably more to it.

sorry, this isn’t that helpful, my kids are younger and my husband has AFRID and I am really disordered with my eating and very overweight so I am terrified my kids will have disordered eating - so may be overthinking!!

Please do not mention her weight.
As other people have posted, having dinner earlier might help. But stopping all snacks or demonising any type of food group will only lead to bad things. If she is active and happy, then I think just help her to continue to enjoy a sensible range of foods and her weight may naturally level out. If you try putting her on a diet or restricting foods I can almost guarantee she’ll end up with disordered eating, and possibly with bigger weight challenges as she gets older. I know you’re coming from a place of love, but as someone whose weight was (and remains) one of my mother’s biggest disappointments, please don’t make this a thing.

It sounds like you need to give her dinner earlier.

Bring supper earlier. Don’t talk to her about it - she will be painfully aware and likely teased at school. A girl in my daughter’s year last year was tormented by another girl constantly commenting on her weight and could not be stopped. They are 10 now and the girl visibly glows now she’s in a different class and away from the torment - it’s amazing, beautiful.
Hug your daughter. Remind her how proud you are of her and tell funny cute stories of when she was younger to take the heat off. You are her safe space. I never tell my (beautiful) daughter she is - she is funny, resourceful, kind, super helpful, empathetic, strong. I always fairly regularly remind her how friends behave and make you feel.
We bake our sweetish snack and the rule is if they’re gone they’re gone. No more for the week.
You must lead by example and if appropriate and not obvious talk about your goals. As the recommended amount of fibre is 30g with a large percentage being viscous how does she have space to be hungry? Offer her humus and pita, a small amount of nuts, cracker and cheese, smoked salmon, apple and chunk of cheddar. These girls are hungry when they get home.

There is definitely a reason for this. She could be anxious about something (subconsciously) even if she can’t voice it. It could be that she has in-fact noticed she is bigger than her peers and food is comforting her. Have you been restricting food/ nagging her about her food intake? Restriction leads to obsession and sneakiness. 10000% do not tell her she’s overweight. I would even talk to a child therapist before even breaching the subject with her.

I'm so sorry you are having this difficulty with your daughter. You are obviously a very caring Mum who wants the best for her. You have been given lots of useful information above too. However, it might be worth checking that your daughter is happy at school. Does she get bullied or does she feel she's under pressure with her schoolwork? If so, snacking might be something emotional. You could try getting advice from a nutritionist, your GP or a psychologist. Snacking and overeating is an eating disorder just as much as not eating.

OP I notice you haven't responded to any of the suggestions about mealtimes.

Do you have the same mealtime every day, roughly? What time is it?

There's a good chance your daughter is just hungry when she gets home from school and can't wait until dinner - you said you work so perhaps it has to be later than would suit her (but your other kids are fine).

The suggestion of a protein-heavy snack as soon as she gets in is a really good one. Better your daugher has a sandwich and then a smaller dinner than lots of sugary things.

There's lots of good suggestions on here for what she could be eating - but you're not responding to anything about the time of the meal which makes me wonder if that might be the key.

This.

When my two DC were small, they had to ask if they could have a packet of crisps or a small KitKat etc, and I didn't keep too many of these treats in the house at any one time.

I wouldn’t mention anything about weight but could you move the snacks somewhere harder for her to reach? I appreciate you can’t do that with yogurts etc but it could put a limit on it, could dinner also be brought forward? My DS is hungry when he finishes a day at nursery even if he’s eaten well, dinner is 4:30 and then he eats again at 6!