To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

But what people think is that sugar is only in the snacks, they will eat one of these and not account that breakfast lunch and dinner also had sugar in them too then it all adds up! Then they’ve had a piece of fruit and they end up over their sugar limit 😩

@SloaneStreetVandal im not overweight. I carry weight round my middle. I have been overweight in the past and always carried the extra weight there. Even at a healthy weight I don’t have a flat stomach

It sounds like compulsive eating and there is probably an underlying issue she needs to address. Could be a problem at school, with friends etc. I would suggest finding a child therapist who specialises in play therapy, she won’t even realise that’s what it is then. We used someone for my DD several years ago at a similar age.

OP - I am genuinely interested in food and nutrition. I am overwight now but was underweight as a child/teenager. Figuring all this stuff was HARD. Especially because I knew that overall, my u dersfanding of nutrition was right.

But it took me looking at the total overall food intake of ds to really understand. And making changes was sometimes hard. Changing meals for ds wasn't difficult for us- me and dh were eating that way at least half the time so it was just adding ds and eating like that all the time. But snacks ans his "I'm so hungry" complaints. .. phew, hard.

I have recently started meal planning ds' Post school snacks. He doesn't eat a lot at school (meds, busy etx) so I have to plan food that is filling but not "empty". He could have a protein bar at 250 calories or he can have a wrap at slightly more --- but "good" calories that fill him up for longer and power him for 90 minutes of boxing or basketball.

It is not easy. In my experience , the vast bulk of people have children who can eat but seem to be fine. Ds himself complains that his friends are skinny but sat sleepovers they eat sweets and crisps and drink coke and he just doesn't get it! But then, he is always a bit thrown by portion sizes- he has always had a big appetite so eats large portions. At one sleepover he told me the dad put a bowl of pasta on the table and my ds said; who is this for? And it turned out it was the serving bowl.... 😆😆😆 he was exaggerating and we had a good laugh about it but the point is valid - some children like to eat more. Those children have to be very mindful of what they eat!!!

As someone who knows nothing about parenting, but who once had a very overweight voracious sister who went on to become a very svelte elite athlete, my first reaction is to worry less about her body weight and more about her disobedience. She’s running amok in your kitchen without your permission.

Maybe make her pay for everything she eats that’s been ringfenced for set snacktimes? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️. Good luck anyway.

My mum endlessly told me I was too fat as a kid. I bought a pair of jeans once with my pocket money and she secretly threw them away because she thought I was too fat to wear them and then pretended she didn't know what had happened to them.

The irony was, of course I was fat because of the food she bought and the lifestyle we had. In front of the TV all the time. Not wanting me to leave the house even to play with friends down the street.

To this day I carry a lot of guilt and shame about how I look. I go through months where I can't look at my face in the mirror, even though I'm a size 12 now and my face was never actually fat.

I think what would have helped me is small lifestyle changes. Actually doing things to help me, like not buying snacks and not eating a really early dinner and not going out to buy chocolate every weekend and getting out of the house more. When I started college I lost a lot of weight because I was walking more, not around food all day, finishing later so not eating dinner ridiculously earlier. And I was just a lot happier in general.

Just telling your kid they're fat - no. Not euphemistically, not "kindly", not passive aggressively. It just means shame and embarrassment, and you'll be siding with their bullies (or future bullies) in damaging their self-esteem.

Everyone has a different metabolism, and it can change at diffferent stages of life. If she''s not eating her main meal then she can't POSSIBLY be hungry for it. However she's overweight. Which suggests that she's filling up in some other way ie. it's the snacks that are the issue. They're filling her up, but they're too calorific for her metabolism/level of exercise.

I'd just cut out ALL the snacks. Just don't have them in the house. She may well get in from school hungry - primary school dinners are not known for being terribly appetising or filling. So you need to decide whether you're going to all eat a bit earlier so she doesn't have too long to wait, OR she has a healthy snack like a piece of fruit/handful of nuts.

It's about poor choices. I've never in my life had any sort of weight problem. However, if I'm feeling lazy, I can get in from work (job is mainly sedentary) and eat 2 packs of crisps, or a lot of a sharing pack, then it gets late and I don't feel hungry enough for a proper dinner. So then I eat a few pieces of peanut butter on toast. Cos it's easy. Then I think "oh well, it's just mainly all bread and fat, so I may as well carry on with the crap and have a Magnum". etc etc. It's just inappropriate intake of calories.

Ultra processed food is highly addictive and drives the body to search for more and is a prime driver for obesity. Cut out sweet drinks, just water or milk, and offer unlimited whole unprocessed food. It will take several weeks but her appetite will correct itself. Its the food and the food envrionment that our kids are in that is the problem. Shes not greedy she is struggling to moderate her intake because these foods are designed to drive hunger. Key swaps to make are white processed carbs like cereal, bread, cakes and biscuits. Offer eggs, nuts, fruit, whole fat greek yoghurt, houmous with veg sticks, meat, fish etc. Read ultraprocessed people and metabolical to get a better understanding of how ultraprocessed is causing us to be obese.

I see, apologies for my misunderstanding. The odd misunderstanding aside, you're hopefully getting some useful suggestions for your daughter.

Slightly off topic, at my lowest (and most unhealthy) weight, size 6, I still had a tummy. Us apples are genetically doomed!

@AmIThatMam maybe you could explore with the GP whether it could be puberty/hormones playing the part? I was the same as a child and later diagnosed with polycystic ovaries and the hormonal effects mean you’re more likely to gain weight- but then also factor in emotions of unbalanced hormones but also the disliking image leading to emotional eating.

Hey OP. I listened to Ultra Processed People recently on Audible. It's completely changed the way we eat. I'd recommend giving it a whirl and see if any of it resonates with you and the way you and your family eat. Not saying it's a cure but for me it was like lifting the curtain on something that really when you think about it, is kind of obvious. It may change your whole families approach to food and make way for some new habits and eating patterns.

If not, it's still just a very interesting read or listen.

Also please read up on insulin resistance. Its frighteningly common in children and drives obesity and is due to prolonged state of high insulin which is linked to regular snacking and ultra processed food. I have yoyo dieted my whole life but this lsdt year I have lost 25lb by intermittant fasting (not recommended for kids) and cutting down hugely on ultra processed food. Ive also overhauled our whole family's diet and dont buy ultraprocessed food for the kids now. They get it at school/parties but not home. Whatever you do dont go for low calorie snacks they are full of chemicals and the processing strips them of fibre and nutrients so the body gets calories but not nutrients and carries on looking for them, hence feeling hungry all the time. Ultraprocessed food is linked to so many chronic health conditions. Calories are used differently depending on the food. Your body will use 100 calories of almonds (full of healthy essential fats and minerals) very differently to a 100 calorie ultraprocessed snack like malt loaf or a special k bar etc. Focus on whole foods and forget about calories.

I'd be looking for support for your daughter, to help to get to what's underneath the behaviour(s), not concentrating on practicalities.
I developed emotionally based compulsive disordered eating at around 7 years of age. All the behaviours you describe, including stealing food, trying to obtain food surreptitiously etc I recognise from my younger self.
37 years later, I still struggle with this.
So, the parent is rarely the best person in the first instance to support the child with this; it needs an impartial person with the right approach and training.
Being firm, disciplining her, removing food, locking food away, reminding her of house rules (and pretty much most people's suggestions here) won't help. It'll induce further guilt and shame and she'll potentially find more maladaptive ways to obtain food.
I'm not saying I'm 'right', but so much of what you describe resonates with me.

Gosh, you sound awful!

For fuck sake she's 9 years of age.
What she eats is generally going to be what you feed her.
More exercise and focus on good food that she likes and will actively choose.
Give her a healthy packed lunch for school. The other shit that creeps in, like the packs of crisps she must be got from other children will not be enough to make her overweight or much difference if the other 90% of the time you're feeding her healthy food.

Don't EVER confront a child about being fat. You'll give her body issues and contribute to a fucked up relationship with food for life

Why because I don’t think telling a 9 year old she’s overweight is a good idea? 🤔

This.

Hello OP. There's a very good programme on the BBC Radio 4 Sounds site - Michael Mosely Just One Long Thing with Prof Tim Yeo on diets and obesity. It's worth a listen, along with Chris Van Tulleken's series on ultra processed food and its relation to weight gain.

The two things that stood out for me from Tim Yeo's contribution were:

1. we're all different - so what works for your weight maintenance won't necessarily work for me. This is also true for your daughter and her friends.
2. a calorie is not a calorie, (although you do have to be mindful of the quantity of calories), calories from more processed sugary foods (yoghurt biscuits rather than plain yoghurt; malt loaf rather than an banana, for example) are more readily absorbed by the body. 100 calories of lean chicken will only convert to about 70 calories taken up by the body, whereas 100 calories of biscuit will deliver near 100 calories. So it is the quality of the food and the kind of calories that counts as well.

You're right to take charge of this now, because overweight children become overweight adults and it gets harder, not easier. So well done! I think you would do well to start with what's in the house - no packets of biscuits, malt cake, fruit juice, fruit yoghurts, breadsticks - so no-one can snack on the highly palatable stuff that converts to energy very efficiently. Would that work as a start?

This. These snacks are not healthy. They are carb heavy and therefore sugar heavy. It really annoys me how people think they're healthy (not your fault- its advertising!)

My DC at primary school age were not allowed to take food of any kind even fruit without asking first
Same with drinks unless it was water
Then I had control of what was consumed
they were much better about self regulating as they got older
It wasn’t just about weight though - as a lone parent we were on a tight budget and it also made it fair for everyone as I could say no - you’ve already had your share of xx

OP, I haven't got through all the comments. But make sure she is drinking enough water. Kids don't drink enough at that age especially in the cold weather - it won't be the only.issue but will contribute!

Edit = Apologies, I missed the bit where op states her child is 9

Keep a bowl of fruit and jar of oat crackers on the table and say she can only help herself to these between meals.

I think if you comment on her weight you are putting the problem on to her when ultimately, it’s solely the parent’s responsibility to ensure their children are eating the right food. She’s far too young to understand how much sugar is in processed snacks, most adults don’t know.

This is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT!! Some people here are just absolute knobs.
I would try and speak with a dietician as it sounds like she has an eating disorder. Just like anorexia, overeating can be a form of control but also it can be something she has no control over. Food can be an obsession and you can't hide every single type of high calorie food forever, it is just not feasible! I wish you and your daughter all the best.