To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

Mine would be starving when they got back from school. We used to have "tea" then have "dinner" slightly later in the evening. It sounds like her body is panicking and overeating. It can be emotional comfort but it can also just be the brain overreacting to hunger signals.

Tea would be a drink and a small meal or snack.

Stealing of any kind, including food, is unacceptable. Ask why she feels the need to steal rather than discussing weight issues. It could also be that she's about to enter puberty early and skyrocket in height so she is actually starving hungry. Concentrate on why food is going missing than discussing weight issues right now.

Has something happened at school where she’s emotionally eating? Also, do not put snacks in the house anymore unless they are fruits and vegetables.

It could also be she’s about to hit puberty… Girls tend to put on a bit of weight before they start menstruating

It’s really hard to know. I have a friend who was brought up in a house with unlimited junk food and he’s been fat his whole life. His parents were slim.

There's not a single overweight person who doesn't know it, child or adult. Someone always points it out. Do not let that someone be you.

I have always had an issue with food and weight. My mother used to give me rubbish to snack on and at 12 took me to the doctor and said I was fat. I probably was just a normal child. My parents would make comments that still hurt me to this day. I have been a WW member for 30 years and am always about half a stone from where I’d like to be but hey ho.
So, however you decide to approach this problem please please don’t make any weight related comments to your daughter as, despite all the lovely things that I’m sure you say too, those will be the things that she will remember.

Maybe there's not a problem but she just loves her grub. Or your biscuits.

She's a child so I'd try and reduce her access to food. Can you put the food out of reach or put locks on the doors? Try distraction or as suggested get her to help with food preparation. Possibly a small job to help her feel valued - and learn those important life skills. Teach her about what foods are inportant, such as needing lots of protein to grow up big and strong.

She's not old enough to self regulate so you need to do it for her. I speak as someone who hears the icing call out 'lick me'.

My children tell me we live in an “ingredients only” household. It’s a thing on TikTok apparently. Generally viewed as slightly disappointing….

But my kids are basically fine with it (few complaints from the stroppy one) and have turned into great cooks as they’ve got older.

Perhaps it’s time to stop focusing on calories fat and look only buying nourishing food

yoghurt bars and malt loaf sounds like jogh sugar UPF foods

For the last few years I have struggled to lose weight, despite largely eating what is generally considered to be a healthy diet. Then I developed diabetes and saw a dietitian. The dietitian told me to ignore calories and count carbs, and also told me that our bodies process carbs a lot better from midday onwards. By having lower carb breakfast (notice I said low carb not no carb), keeping snacks to less than 15g carbs and making sure they include protein and fats which help prevent blood sugar spikes/dips, and watching portion sizes of carbs at meals, and also being aware of which fruits contain more/less carbs, I have lost a lot of weight and put diabetes in remission. I still eat naughty treats but not daily and not in large portions and mostly in the afternoon. Some foods that we think of as healthy, for example rice, can really push up your blood sugar. Just an alternative approach that might be worth considering & carb content of her meals is something you can have a little control over. I’ve also found it a lot more fun focusing on what to include rather than what to exclude, eg there’s new research out that recommends trying to eat 30 different plants in a week to improve your micro biome. Might be worth looking into and making into a fun competition for the whole family (grains and potatoes count as one of the plants so it’s not quite the same as the boring old five a day advice!).

We need all the food groups and we need them in their natural (unprocessed) form.

The main thing we don’t need is sugar and other refined carbs (eg white bread, white pasta). They carry calories but no nutrition. If you were starving the calories would be useful, but if you have plenty of food then you can do better and get nutrients with your calories. It’s whole carbs we need, not refined ones. And if you’re susceptible to blood sugar peaks and troughs, which lots of people are, then eating sugar and other refined carbs will make you more hungry than before and make you eat more. Sugar wrapped up with fibre (eg fruit, or wholemeal bread/pasta) doesn’t have as strong an effect, and brings other nutritional benefits. But malt loaf and biscuits will create a desire to eat more but leave you unsatisfied even if you do. Even eating white pasta with bolognese is not as bad as eating malt loaf, because the protein, fat and fibre in the sauce dilute the effect.

That’s so sad.

The Toast podcast (BBC) on sunny delight was illuminating on the role advertisers have on what we think of as "healthy". Internally sunny delight was referred to as "coke with vitamins" and telling the public that it was just the same as orange juice. Keep to whole foods out of packets and only buy the volume of snacks you are happy to be eaten in the time between shops and don't replace any that get eat in the first few days.
Be mindful of calories in drinks too.

I have had a poor relationship with food since I was born. I can recall being 7 and upset about my size. I was 9 when my mum put me on a juice diet. She called me fat when I was 16. I have never been overweight just the opposite and until I turned 30 was always on the verge of underweight. I have had anorexia and bulimia and binge eating problems. Every time the problem is never what is going into my mouth and more what is going on in my head. The happier I feel about myself and my body the more sensible decisions about food I make

@AmIThatMam has she always been this way or is it a more recent thing? For children to put on excessive weight, they do need to really over eat a lot of unhealthy food, more so than what you say she is snacking on. I thought my daughter had the same issue around the same age. It was during lockdown and she quite visibly put on weight. I put this down to snacking more due to being at home all the time and being less active than normal as not at school running around at breaktimes etc. Turns out it was hormones preparing her body for a huge growth spurt! She shot up nearly 8 inches in as many months and now is as skinny as a rake. I spoke to the doctor about it at the time and they said it's quite common for girls to hold onto weight before they go through a large growth spurt. It's another option to consider if she's not actually eating really excessively (I'm talking lots of high fat, high sugar foods).

OP, I'm in exactly the same boat - DD is 9 and obese. Now, there's other issues at play with her, she's autistic, and school refusing at the moment, but we've found the following have helped:

• Put up a 'mealtimes' chart on the wall and stick to it so your DD always knows when she will eat next
• Only snacks are fruit and vegetables (written clearly on the chart at snack times)
• Don't have any treats at all in the house, even for yourselves, so she can't access them
• The whole family does 'healthy eating' with her
• Watch the portions. We were giving DD too much without really realising it
• Don't leave any food lying around or on display (DD will hoover up someone else's leftover dinner or constantly ask for anything she can see)
• Not helping yourself to food becomes a house rule and there are consequences if DD does that
• Double up on the active hobbies your DD likes (ours is horse mad so she now rides/does stable management 4 x a week - we may need to remortgage shortly!)
• Get outdoors - or at least active - as a family as much as you can (we tend to bike/roller skate/swim at the weekend)

Our DD is still obese but we're only a couple of weeks into this and already seeing her shifting a bit of weight.

Try not to beat yourself up too much either. Having a child who is constantly hungry and constantly trying to access food is EXHAUSTING. You have my sympathy. Best of luck.

OP, I'm in exactly the same boat - DD is 9 and obese. Now, there's other issues at play with her, she's autistic, and school refusing at the moment, but we've found the following have helped:

• Put up a 'mealtimes' chart on the wall and stick to it so your DD always knows when she will eat next
• Only snacks are fruit and vegetables (written clearly on the chart at snack times)
• Don't have any treats at all in the house, even for yourselves, so she can't access them
• The whole family does 'healthy eating' with her
• Watch the portions. We were giving DD too much without really realising it
• Don't leave any food lying around or on display (DD will hoover up someone else's leftover dinner or constantly ask for anything she can see)
• Not helping yourself to food becomes a house rule and there are consequences if DD does that
• Double up on the active hobbies your DD likes (ours is horse mad so she now rides/does stable management 4 x a week - we may need to remortgage shortly!)
• Get outdoors - or at least active - as a family as much as you can (we tend to bike/roller skate/swim at the weekend)

Our DD is still obese but we're only a couple of weeks into this and already seeing her shifting a bit of weight.

Try not to beat yourself up too much either. Having a child who is constantly hungry and constantly trying to access food is EXHAUSTING. You have my sympathy. Best of luck.

Random thoughts - not intended to criticise or needing answers.
I have sliced cucumber,carrot, grapes and celery in the fridge because even though I am making dinner, I am hungry enough to snack. I actually don't really like sitting down to a meal - does she?
There is a medical condition that stops you feeling full, so can she actually stop?
Is school stressing her, and it is a release activity? Or are they teasing her at school so she is not eating there, and so is really hungry when she gets home?
Do you give her a good breakfast? They do say that to lose weight eating breakfast is ideal?
My grandson is always "starving" when he gets home, but apple and milk works to hold him until I can get tea made - he can eat for England though, but his metabolism is fast. Has she had her thyroid checked?
Are you curvy? There are misconceptions about what is healthy for adults and children, so do ask for advice from your surgery? Are your meal portions too big?
Does she eat very quickly? I found that I could lose weight simply by eating
more slowly.
Is dinner time for you too late? My mother would feed us at 4, and dine with dad at 7 or 8

This!! She should be told NOT to take the food from the cupboard.
If she doesn't finish her dinner, put it the fridge for when she is (inevitably) peckish later.
At aged 9, there is every chance she'll outgrow her plumpness anyway but healthy habits need to be learnt young.

just feed her proper meals don’t buy snacks. As the health professionals say there is no need for kids or adults to snack I s bad for their teeth and bad for their waistline.

i know this might sound odd but overeating can be to accommodate pain and discomfort in another area of the body which she might not be aware of. Imy baby was born via forceps and neck pulled out, he had so much milk etc as the sucking action helped relieve pain, I paid for cranial therapy through a registered osteopath who released tensions around his neck and he’s been absolutely fine since.

my husband also born via forceps went for a consultation, his body was out of sync with half an inch different in his legs. He has always struggled with overeating and it turns out it was his brain way of dealing with that discomfort that was present from birth. He had cranial therapy and his body realigned within a year with some additional home exercises.

I really wouldn’t rule out a physical issue underlying and for the sake of a couple of quid go and see an osteopath and have her checked

« yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks »

awful school snacks. Sugar spikes. Sugar spikes. Thats a problem!!!!

Eating and Food are tricky subjects for girls and Women, so I empathise. At this age I had already developed dangerous eating habits from being conscious of weight, and your description sounded similar. Conscious of my body I stopped eating at school or in front of my peers as I was so worried about them perceiving me as fat. By the time I got home I was so hungry I’d gorge on whatever I could get my hands on. In my head smaller snacks were ok but meals were the enemy. It’s taken a long time to fully understand my body and being both underweight and overweight to just eat sensibly. Luckily she has you doing a great job of caring and trying to help her.

I wouldn’t tell my 9 year old she is fat.

I would get the low nutrition food out of the house. Maltloaf and yogurt covered biscuits are empty calories.

Its a cliché, but hummus and carrot sticks, black olives, apples and peanut butter, fruit and plain yogurt, nuts, etc are much healthier. Don’t worry about the calories. Fill her up with satiating nutrition and she will stabilise naturally.

My daughter has exactly the same behaviour pattern around food as yours. When she was 11 she began to exercise and made her self sick intentionally. Now she has started to self harm. She is 13. Please tread carefully,

As I said, what is healthy for an adult may not be for a child. I don't see many carbs in your suggestions and I have found that it is an energy dip rather than needing to fill up that makes them hungry coming out of school. While fruit is healthy, it is a sugar rush whereas a slice of brown toast is a slower release sugar. (It is also an individual response. I had to stop eating fruit as it just made me hungrier and fatter)