To give DD a boy's name to appease DH gender disappointment?

[Afrikaaner]

I have posted somewhere else, but I don't know how to delete posts on MN. I feel like this is the most appropriate sub.

I have 3 girls and I am pregnant with the last who is also a girl. DH is very very disappointed, he doesn't want to mention her or the pregnancy. In his culture, having a boy is the most desirable; women who can't make babies are not seen as a real women ( his words, not mine).

A week ago, he suddently started telling me we should name her a boy's name. It would be the only way, according to him, to bond with his daughter. Not gender neutral, but male name. I said no, and since then , he won't talk to me. I feel guilty, and sad and I am thinking to go with his plan. I absolutely dislike his choices. Will I be unreasonable to find a male name I like and name her that?

Is your dh's culture your username? Late dh was from that culture and he was also disappointed not to have a boy. (Ive got 2 dds) He made excuses on the phone that I'm one of two girls so it was inevitable.
His sister didn't have kids and when I got pregnant his mum made a comment that you're not a woman til you have a child. 😮
Dh and MIL were lovely apart from that.

I've read some absolute nonsense on Mumsnet in my time but this one is right up there with the worst excesses of appalling husband behaviour - because (and you KNOW it, OP), this is BATSHIT.

What is this shit that it’s part of Dutch culture to prefer boys? I’m half Dutch. I was just speaking to my Dutch mother; she was saying how blokes used to be worshipped when she was young (born 1935) but things had changed now. In general people seem to have a preference for girls if anything.

He is Dutch of Asian origin.

He can be disappointed, fine, but it strikes me as very odd that it would make him feel better if she had a boy's name, as if he's planning on pretending she's a boy... She'll also have to spend her whole life with a name that reminds her that she is a disappointment. Pretending your child is the opposite sex is a sign of a mental illness in my opinion. I think he needs to see his doctor and try and get some counselling as this is very strange behaviour. Please don't go along with his delusion.

I’d be ditching him. It sounds as if he sees you as his baby making machine to produce a son.
And please don’t give your dd an unsuitable name, she has to live with it for a long time.

So your husband thinks if you call your daughter Thomas or mark (for arguments sake) he’ll magically overlook the whole being actually female thing?

right

hes a dick

This is disgusting op, I’m not sure you realise how bad this is- perhaps you’ve got used to it?
Leave him now, he does not deserve you or your beautiful girls in his life. Let him go and be with all the men if that’s what he wants. And if you think your girls won’t or don’t notice their dad’s attitudes then you’re sadly mistaken

1. sperm contributes the Y chromosome.
2. calling your baby by a male name won’t actually change her sex.
3. she will grow up knowing that she was a disappointment for not being the ‘right’ sex.
4. your husband is utterly regressive and sexist in his beliefs. There are plenty of men who can discard their cultures’ outdated beliefs and keep the good values.
5. your daughters deserve better.

That would be awful for the child. If a name would be the only thing to enable him to bond with the child then it isn't a proper bond, if he is basically trying to pretend she is a boy, she WILL know, and she will spend all her life trying to mould herself into something she thinks he wants her to be. This will be incredibly damaging for her. Seriously I'd consider leaving, with nothing, rather than risk subjecting four daughters to this misogynistic shit. If he treats her any differently to your other daughters then this will damage all of them.

And what did he want you to do about the -'acidity of your vagina'? Squirt bicarb / lemon up there? Why did he have a child knowing there was a high chance of them being a girl? What difference does he actually think a name would make - does he form relationships with other people in his life on the basis that they have a name that's acceptable to him?

Your husband sounds like an absolute bellend! How you have allowed him to father 4 children with you is a miracle, he gives me the ick!

No, she shouldn't have a male name, the poor kid!

This.

Your DH needs a basic lesson in biology.

If you knew he would be like this, I’d have played him at his own game. I’d have said I was devastated that he’s fathered another girl on me.

Not the case, obviously, but if he was my DH I would have done it to make the point.

No. I am the South African and is Pakistani-Dutch, Dutch of Asian origins? Idk how to phrase it.

It's not the gender disappointment that's the issue here OP, iys his ridiculous comments and childlike behaviour that's the issue!

Oh come on - surely this is a wind up.

If you are a regular on Mumsnet you must know that MN is full:

1. Gender Critical women
2. Women who use this platform to discuss heartbreaking infertility

…and your husband just happens to want to offend both these groups.

And your name? If you are going to openly go along with such offensive thinking orchestrated by your husband. As an African women, please don’t involve my culture. I don’t know any African people who say such vile things.

im not sure about the name issue, names actually do change quite often, there are old unisex names which are now pretty much only used for male/female children, and there are old male/female names which became unisex, etc...

but the real issue is that your husband doesnt want a girl child? isnt he going to be a terrible father to his daughters? it seems like he wont love them enough, or something, just because of their sex, which by the way, they cant help.

give her a nice name that you like that wont get her picked on.
tell your husband to pull himself together...

Your sperm donor couldn't be more wrong.

So you are to blame for the baby being a girl, and I guess you were pushed into a 4th pregnancy to get 'the boy'.

Doesn't come much more immature and unreasonable.

The baby's sex won't change if you give her a male name. Presumably he knows this?

She will be a girl, and neither of you have any control whatsoever over that.

Get a bank account. Really.

Insist on money in it that is not monitored.

Get some training, qualifications, do some volunteering whilst littlest is under one.

Get employed/ start a business at the earliest opportunity.

Take back your choices and control.

Tell him to piss off.

I went to see the Sex and the City film and when Charlotte has a second girl her husband said "It's my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women." I told dh that would have been a better thing to say than blaming it on me being one of two girls to people!

How's that going to work in a few years when your kid is being bullied for having a "boys" name? And her sisters don't?

"mum why am I called Winston?"
"because your Dad wanted a boy"

Think of the baby and forget about the idiot you married

You would be unreasonable to do this. Unisex names are fine but how do you know that his request isn’t the start of a slippery slope and he’ll want her to have short hair , do “masculine” clubs and never wear dresses so he can pretend that she’s a boy? It’s going to damage your dd once she works out that her dad wishes that she was a boy.

Women with gender disappointment aren’t treated sympathetically either.

You don't have a bank account !!

Please, whatever else you do, start to put the basic infrastructure for independence in place. A bank account, a job, a credit card, hold your, and your dds' passports. I hope they have Dutch citizenship.

With a man that bigoted and stupid, you need to be able to pick up your children and run at a moment's notice or if he decides to take them, you won't even be able to follow.

Something wrong with him.

Your poor daughters lumbered with him for a father.