To give DD a boy's name to appease DH gender disappointment?

[Afrikaaner]

I have posted somewhere else, but I don't know how to delete posts on MN. I feel like this is the most appropriate sub.

I have 3 girls and I am pregnant with the last who is also a girl. DH is very very disappointed, he doesn't want to mention her or the pregnancy. In his culture, having a boy is the most desirable; women who can't make babies are not seen as a real women ( his words, not mine).

A week ago, he suddently started telling me we should name her a boy's name. It would be the only way, according to him, to bond with his daughter. Not gender neutral, but male name. I said no, and since then , he won't talk to me. I feel guilty, and sad and I am thinking to go with his plan. I absolutely dislike his choices. Will I be unreasonable to find a male name I like and name her that?

She's a daughter not a disappointment, he needs dragged into this century.

He is an arse and has a warped sense of culture. If he indeed followed pakistani culture then he shouldn't have married outside of his religion or race and nor should he be drinking. Yet those things are acceptable to him but having girls isn't? The man is a waste of space and you've had not 1 but 4 kids with him. I despair I really do. He's hiding behind 'culture' which might be easy enough to do as it's alien to you but it's insulting to suggest all pakistani dad's behave this way.

I'm asian and thankfully have never dealt with this prejudice. My dad, dbro, dh and cousins are loving men to their girls and boys. My dad once said that his son is his life but his girls have his whole heart. He has always championed us and is my greatest supporter. He set an example to me of valuing myself, always knowing my self worth. That led me to dh who lovingly learnt how to do different hairstyles on our little girls and is an equal partner.

Not being able to bond with your child because she's a girl and then wanting to call her a make name is batshit.

When you say he "doesn't eat" what do you mean?

Call her whatever name you want and get rid of him.

OP, is your family in SA supportive? Would they help you buy tickets to go for an indefinite visit? If you can, take your children and go. When you are surrounded by family who love and appreciate your girls they will see the difference in how their father treats them and how other male family members support them.
I think at that point you may find it easier to decide whether staying there is the right thing to do. I suspect you will find life better without him, but time away in a different environment will give you clarity.

Christ your poor daughter. Leave this guy. Imagine if your daughter’s husband did this to them? What kind of example are you setting here? Divorce him - your children will respect you more.

I don't understand how you have no bank account.

Have you never worked? How do you get money?

Where are you living now?

I am gobsmacked 27% think agreeing with your insane husband is the way to go.

THIS.

No bank account suggests finances are controlled by the husband and she's at his mercy financially.

Malika is pretty. Please don’t give your child a male name unless it’s unisex- Frankie, Alex, Robin etc

What father?
He doesn't talk to them, play with them, share meals with them. He is just a man who lives in the house who resents them.

Op , you say you have made poor choices and are trying to fix then - what if anything have you done to sort the situation ? Are you planning to leave , get him counselling - what? I doubt he’s going to change and all your daughters look set for a pretty miserable life with this useless specimen

Can you imagine how much worse it would have been for them if this last child had been a boy?

God knows how much damage is already being done but some small mercy is they will never have to see him love a sibling in a way they know they'll never be loved by him.

So true.

He does know that HE makes the sex of the child yes?? Tell him to grow up or fuck off.

Pakistani or Cape Malay? One of our best friends is Cape Malay and he has 4 daughters- he could not be more proud of them or love them more- and same for his whole family. So 'culture' is just an excuse- and if he is Muslim, and a traditional Cape Man, he should certainly not be drinking.

How very difficult for you. Those who say 'just leave him' are probably not aware of our difficult this is in certain cultures, as women often become totally ostracised if they leave.

OP this is heartbreaking to read. Go home to your family, this man can be no father at all to girls when he thinks so little of women.

Take your girls & raise them to be strong women who will walk away from shit like this.

Yes, and not just bonkers but a very nasty piece of work.

Is he Henry VIII?

Please ask your family to buy plane tickets for you and all your children, pack as much as you can with the limited luggage allowance and start divorce proceeding once you get there.

He is not a good father !

This won't be the last child. The OP will likely continue providing children until he has his boy.

Unless she gets out of the relationship

Omg no that’s messed up.

No. I will not continue to 'provide' children. I am not a human factory.

I am working on it. Since he found this on my phone search, he got so mad. I am disgusted. I want to go back to S.Africa

Oh sweetheart!

What was he doing on your phone?

I think you should go back to SA though would he allow you to take the children?

He's a nasty POS. I hope he saw people's unvarnished opinions of him. He should be having a good hard look at himself, not getting mad!!

I hope you're safe?