To give DD a boy's name to appease DH gender disappointment?

[Afrikaaner]

I have posted somewhere else, but I don't know how to delete posts on MN. I feel like this is the most appropriate sub.

I have 3 girls and I am pregnant with the last who is also a girl. DH is very very disappointed, he doesn't want to mention her or the pregnancy. In his culture, having a boy is the most desirable; women who can't make babies are not seen as a real women ( his words, not mine).

A week ago, he suddently started telling me we should name her a boy's name. It would be the only way, according to him, to bond with his daughter. Not gender neutral, but male name. I said no, and since then , he won't talk to me. I feel guilty, and sad and I am thinking to go with his plan. I absolutely dislike his choices. Will I be unreasonable to find a male name I like and name her that?

yeah - saw that after I posted! (always the way) but cheers!

maybe I just couldnt undertand how OP didnt get a dusty fanny with a man like this

Yabu to have a child with someone who doesn't think you are a whole woman. Fuck that, culture or otherwise. Your poor girls 😔

Your husband is a world-class prick. Your poor, poor daughters.

Stop enabling this monster to treat you like this. Like someone already said, it's the male sperm that determine sex ! The prehistoric bast ard !

Ask him for the scientific study proving this. Then ask, why if this was true considering the number of people who favour boys, why there wasn't a scientifically proven treatment backed up with science that was available. Then ask why if theres no one of this is his abusing his wife for his own sperm.

Then tell him to get over himself, stop being a sexist prick and hurting his family because his male ego is damaged.

Seriously, do not put up with this shit. Culture is an excuse for sexism in 2024. It just being a prick.

DH behaving very badly - maybe he needs some counselling to work through this but if you have to leave to protect your girls, then you have to.
I know of 4 boys, with the youngest knowing he wasn't really wanted, as he wasn't a girl! Always affected him growing up.

But if I leave, I am afraid my daughters will hate me for depriving them from a father.
You’ll be depriving them of nothing. He doesn’t give them attention, he wishes his youngest was a boy, he wants to pretend she’s a boy and give her a boy’s name. He doesn’t value them. He is not a good father. Far better for them to live without him than to endure being treated like this. And it will without doubt escalate as they get older.
Far better for them to have a new life in SA where they won’t have to be around a father who doesn’t value them.

I used to know someone whose father did something similar. She was a generation older than me, so I think her dad would have been born in Victorian times and maybe had attitudes to match. Even though her registered name was a girl's name, he insisted on calling her Peter. Her whole family started to use it as a nickname and as an adult she went by Peta, with that spelling. She joked about it, but I can't imagine it was pleasant to know that your father was so disappointed in your sex that he pretended you were the opposite one anyway.

Think of your poor daughter given a boy’s name because her awful father didn’t want her and tell the pillock it’s his sperm that’s responsible for the sex of baby

Anyone else thinking this girl will have the mysterious boy feels at around 18 months and be transed?

Exactly this. Also Afrikaans and Dutch are very similar language wise (I've lived and worked in both countries) so why not choose a name that works for both cultures instead of a random Pakistani boy's name??

One of my good friends from SA is Danielle, goes by Dani. One of my good friends from Holland is Sasha, which can also be gender neutral. Amira is also lovely.

Loads of options out there. Please stick up for yourself, your background and your child. Your husband sounds like an abusive controlling arsehole tbh.

Why did you have any more children with this prick?

Why don't you have a bank account? Don't you get child benefit paid into an account you can access?

I'm amazed she could bring herself to have sex with him

This!

I can't have children. Nice to know I'm not a real woman. Thankfully my husband is a decent man who doesn't agree.

Wasn't that just the standard style for little boys in Victorian times?

Anyway, if they stopped when he was 5 or 6 then that's one thing (and indeed, I'm not suggesting that, in and of itself, having an androgynous name or wearing clothes usually associated with the opposite gender will harm a child), but the fact is there are parents who spend their child's entire childhood sulking that they were the born the "wrong sex", and who make sure the child knows it, and that definitely has an affect on the child.

I'm now wondering if you're talking about my aunt 😅

All three of my aunties were given boys names. Auntie Peta married uncle Peter which was a bit of a running family joke.

For some reason when he did finally get the much desired boy (my dad) he decided to name him the least manly/attractive name ever... Nigel.

So he’ll only like her if she’s called Bob? He’s a thick twat. His sperm determines gender. It’s nothing to do with acidity or anything else. xx=girl, xy=boy. A girl called Bob is still a girl. Does he want her to be teased or misgendered?

OP will be unlikely to get away with returning to SA with her born DDs because their father will be able to force their return under the Hague Convention on Child Abduction.

As far as I know, from what grandad told me, it was more because they'd wanted a girl but had 3 boys (and his 2 older brothers). His 2 older brothers weren't dressed this way and there are no photos of them dressed this way.

I don't think it really affected my grandad though, but he did remember it.

OP will be unlikely to get away with returning to SA with her born DDs because their father will be able to force their return under the Hague Convention on Child Abduction.

That seems unlikely tbh. It doesn’t sound like he’d miss them.

Yes, and while he could probably fight, as the children have SA citizenship (and if OP gets back quickly, the 4th child will be born there and therefore her habitual place of residence will be South Africa) tat would make it harder of him.

But mostly, he wouldn't bother as he clearly doesn't want girls anyway.

Why dont you have a bank account? You live in the Netherlands, I am assuming. So just go to the bank and open one up.
And then find yourself a job.
You dont have to go back to SA, you just have to leave your dick of a husband.

And no, this is not your fault. It is his.

Gender disappointment is all well and good. It happens, its terrible... But his position is awful!

Tell him he shouldn't have made so many X chromosome swimmers. If he was so adamant about having a boy he should have made more Y's. 🙄

I wouldn't give your daughter a male name, it won't resolve the problem, she'll never be a son. All it will do is make a core part of her identity a constant reminder that she wasn't "good enough".

Even if you give her a boys name, she'd still be a girl
What then? He'll raise her as a boy?
Claim she's trans and start her on hormones?