To give DD a boy's name to appease DH gender disappointment?

[Afrikaaner]

I have posted somewhere else, but I don't know how to delete posts on MN. I feel like this is the most appropriate sub.

I have 3 girls and I am pregnant with the last who is also a girl. DH is very very disappointed, he doesn't want to mention her or the pregnancy. In his culture, having a boy is the most desirable; women who can't make babies are not seen as a real women ( his words, not mine).

A week ago, he suddently started telling me we should name her a boy's name. It would be the only way, according to him, to bond with his daughter. Not gender neutral, but male name. I said no, and since then , he won't talk to me. I feel guilty, and sad and I am thinking to go with his plan. I absolutely dislike his choices. Will I be unreasonable to find a male name I like and name her that?

He's not much of a father anyway, is he?

God knows how he is going to treat this little baby when she's born.

You are absolutely right, with DD1 he tried to get on football and share traditional "boys" activities... But she is very much into girly things

But if I leave, I am afraid my daughters will hate me for depriving them from a father.

You say that as if you would be denying them a good father. But you’d be freeing them from the destructive influence of a misogynistic bully.

If you can, go back to SA. He can come and visit them if he's bothered.

I think you should change the name of your husband.

He sounds quite horrible to me

No, definitely not - don't even entertain the idea at all!!!

She's probably going to grow up knowing that her father doesn't want her because he wanted a boy anyway. Is that not enough?!

There are lots of lovely names that were traditionally boys but can be given to girls but the reasoning behind this is sinister, I feel sorry for this poor child, unwanted by her father.

@Afrikaaner I just don’t understand what you expect anyone to say except leave him.

No1 on here is going to say yeah just call the kid a boys name and that will solve the problem…

What message does that send to your older 3 daughters?

What country are you in? If in England or Wales you should know that coercive control
is a crime.

Read more here: https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Does this sound like your relationship? Have you been prevented from having a bank account, job, contact with loved ones etc?

This, absolutely. Your poor daughters.

Frankie is both male and female.

Why would you have 3 children with a person like this your poor kids

He is the one depriving them of a father.

Go home. Your dd may well be sad to lose out on their father, but I can promise you that growing up with this misogynist, uninterested man in their lives will be 100x worse.

Get back to South Africa as quickly as you can. I'd go now, before this baby is born.

I think it's understandable to be a bit disappointed. Most aspiring fathers naturally want to experience a father son bond, as well as a father daughter bond.

I'd say compromise on a gender neutral name, like Danny, or Sam

If you stay you are going to mess your kids up for ever
You can't educate stupid and giving the poor baby a male name will not make things better!

Gender disappointment is a real thing and I’m pretty sure posters would have more sympathy if a woman was posting these feelings about herself.
He probably would benefit from counselling. I don’t imagine going along with any pretence that it’s a boy will help anyone.
Did he or you know he felt this way before trying for a 4th? You could have considered ivf with genetic testing. Or just not had another.

It seems like MN always has a point of calling the husband a dick regardless of what he has done or whether he’s right or wrong. In this case though, I think your husband is out of line.

Exactly this!

Not only will she be ridiculed and embarrassed by her classmates or teachers/parents/employees who accidentally misgender her but as this poster says it will be a constant reminder that her own dad didn’t want her, simply because she is a girl.

He may as well just name her ‘not wanted’

For very good reasons*, sex selective IVF is illegal in most countries unless for medical reasons (such as sex chromosome linked genetic disorders).

*because of assholes like this guy and the cultures these assholes come from

What rhe hell am I reading, who would do this to a child? What’s wrong with him he’d do this and wrong with you you’d consider it??

I think if a woman was on here saying she won’t talk about the new baby, says her DH isn’t a man because he produced the wrong sex and that they have to call the baby a girls name she’d get roasted…

There’s gender disappointment and then there is blatant misogyny.

what if one of his daughters (touching wood) is unable to naturally conceive? Will she grow up being told she’s not a real woman? Because that’s awful.

I wonder how he would react if your DD grew up to be transgender. Would probably be furious! It’s a right old can of worms. He’s a complete disappointment as a man.

I definitely had gender disappointment.

What I didn’t do was blame my DD for not being a boy, give her a boys name or ever make her feel like she was less than, simply because of her sex.

The gender disappointment disappeared after she was born though.

The OPs DH is just a misogynist twat, who is never going to be happy with a child he doesn’t want.