To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

If a baby was breastfed she would have to be with mum. That is nature. Babies aren’t all breasted but they all need their mum. I am sad here with DD and She is so tiny at 6 months. If my DH and I split - even though he worships her and is a great dad- we would both know she needs mummy and he would have her for day visits but never 3 days and nights ! A baby needs her mummy and your ex and his family know this deep down.
Look after yourself. You need to bond with your baby.
I am so devastated your having to be separated from your baby and you are not even sure about the level of care she is getting .

If anything happened to your daughter - would you forgive yourself ? No.
Your mothering instinct is screaming at you.

Dad is welcome to visit on x days and he can have baby for visits of x hours but baby stays with you. End of ! No court in the land would separate a mother and baby .

Please Please ring woman’s Aid . Or go to your Health visitor. Do you have any family ??

I am heartbroken reading this.

You need support and facts.

The mother of this man is clearly desperate for the baby to come and stay . She is probably looking after the baby while son is stoned ! Loving having a little baba . Babies grow so fast . This is your time with your baby.

You raise safeguarding issues about weed, old clothes, too small nappies.
Please - protect your helpless baby .

I would collect her . Then never give her back to them ! Sorry but I’d say - I’ve decided I need to be with her until she is bigger and that’s the end of it. Let them knock the door or post on fb! Whatever . Your job is to protect the baby.
seems to me their is bullying and coercive control.
Womens aid . Please call them. What have you got to lose ? Nothing .

Of course he can spend with her whenever, don't listen to people because shes 3 months old. Equally needs a mother and a father, don't take the bond away.
Im a mother and I don't think is great that other people are suggesting to alienate the father because of his mistakes. Maybe you should correct him instead?

Bloody hell. He is a grown man, and it’s not OP’s job to teach him how to parent his own child. If he actually cared enough, he would make an effort and figure it out himself. He clearly doesn’t, which is why he keeps palming his child off to his mother.

The depths some people go to in order to blame a woman for a man’s failings is beyond belief.

Im a mother and I don't think is great that other people are suggesting to alienate the father because of his mistakes

No one here is suggesting alienation. We are (in the main) suggesting reducing overnights so that the baby is kept from its primary carer for multiple days at a time.

Also, the dads "mistakes" as you call them include - smoking weed around the baby, using nappies that are too small and causing damage to the baby's skin, and failure to be able (in his own words) to take care of his own child without his mother as he doesn't know what to do.

Can I just say i didn’t expect so many replies . Thank you everyone for the advice and knowledge !
also, I know that court isn’t going to see the smoking / dummy issue as something horrible etc , I’m just putting in everything he’s doing that IM not completely comfortable with . Also just found out from my friend that her partner has seen him walking her in the pram and when she said what street he was on he was walking to his friends house, the friend who’s ALWAYS stoned (not a problem again) but he smokes in his house . Covers it up with air freshener! Asked him about it he said he took her there only for 10 mins whilst he collected something (probably weed 🫠) but he knows how uncomfortable his friend makes me and how he’s always smoking and the fact he had the audacity to bring her there actually makes me physically sick and how am I meant to trust he won’t do it when he has her again .
I genuinely don’t think he realises the harm he’s doing . He doesn’t see the issues that smoking around a baby etc can cause issues ,he’s so careless ! But I don’t know what to think at this point

This was last week they seen him walking her to his friends house but me and my friend don’t really text now cause we’re busy so she only mentioned it to me last night :(

This !! Thank you .

That’s what I’ve been doing ? I have given him 50/50 but he’s not even spending time with her when she’s there . He lives with his mum so his mum does most of it . He’s a gym rat so he loves going to gym , he’ll go to gym everyday and leave my daughter with his mum , and his mum keeps her in her room with her at night (bar one night out of the three) so I’m not the one taking the bond away. I’m trying to give them one

............so I’m not the one taking the bond away. I’m trying to give them one

Yes. And he isn't taking advantage of that. I bet he's lying about having the baby in overnight with him. Or he takes her in to his mum's room when she needs a feed.

Probably. He’s easily frustrated so when he’s feeding her middle of night he’s rushing her cause he’s half asleep and doesn’t wanna do it or complaining . ( when he stayed at mine ages ago , that’s what he was like . I had to take over ) which is making me wonder what he’s like on his own

Having any safeguarding concerns with your baby really needs to be addressed, have you managed to seek help this week?
Your the voice for your little girl ♥️

Hi , I’m gonna speak to my health visitor, not sure if I can contact the social worker again as she’s closed the case 💗

hi everyone , I’m shaking with anger right now . Is this worth ringing socials over ??
please let me know . She’s at her dads right now and I’m worried
this guy he brought her too is a full time weed smoker and smokes in his kitchen . Although he’s now claiming it’s outside his kitchen which is not true

I think you need to stop contact.

He will have to take you to court and see her via a contact centre. And just use his email from now. Ignore SM.

He is completely untrustworthy.

I'm so sorry, but I doubt if he'll bother. At least you've tried to facilitate a relationship.

I think I’m going to do that. I’m just worried they’ll turn up at my door with threats or they harm me

You call 999 if they do.
Do not hesitate.

If you believe you might be in danger anyway, talk to the police about getting a panic button.

has he or his mum put in writing that he smokes weed while he's caring for your baby? if he has make sure you have screenshots of that.

Unfortunately not .
he’ll obviously deny it
so will his mum
they said they’ll drug test him but that’s the only way they can prove he’s smoking it (again not an issue but it is if around dd) and he only ever goes to that guys house to drop off weed to him or to smoke it . Either way the social worker was saying he shouldn’t bring her there and he did anyway .

Either way the social worker was saying he shouldn’t bring her there and he did anyway

Well in that case he's clearly thumbing his nose at authority.

I agree ! But I obviously can’t prove he’s smoking around dd which is my concern cause I know him so well I know for a fact that he only goes to that certain guys house for a smoke but again i cannot prove that
I’m in a pickle . Once dd is back tomorrow im stopping over nights completely

Good for you- stick to your guns!! Agree with PP, he is completely untrustworthy. Please speak to the police over advice on keeping you safe and logging any I’ve incidents etc, but your daughter should remain with you, and he will need to take you to court for access (that is what I would do anyhow)

Do not contact him again or tell him you plan to stop overnights, I would not want to give him the opportunity to use that as an excuse not to return her. This man and his mum sound very controlling. Many of us on here will have had similar experiences. This is all about control.

So do you think I shouldn’t say anything and just not reply to them ??
if he’s on birth certificate can’t he basically do the same thing to me ? As in stop me from seeing her etc ?

Would I not be better to just tell them I’m not letting them have her overnight ?