To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

how was I to know when all I’ve been told is he has equal rights .
I even texted my health visitor today and she said that there is no research to suggest what age she should stay overnight with her parent as both parents are equally important in her life , so what am I supposed to think?

I really don’t think it’s healthy for your young baby to be around someone stoned (who you said licks the dummy too) and gives the poor thing nappy rash.
As the primary carer it’s your responsibility to look out for her and be her voice. I understand it’s overwhelming to stand up to someone but if you told your HV & SS what you have on here they would think it’s a safeguarding issue?

Do you have any support from anyone from your church that can help? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind at all 😌 I completely empathise with how you must be feeling.

The giving her a bottle not right and drowning her also is an issue too, I forgot to add.

By posting you obviously know that there’s an issue and want reassurance about it, hopefully what some of the PP have said you’ll take into consideration.

Definitely build a good support network and make the most of support services and help offered :) there’s no shame in asking for advice or help.

Can you say something like she's going through a sleep regression or she's off colour after some vaccinations and is unsettled, and until her sleep settles you don't want to be away from her overnight, but he's welcome to come and see her in the daytime for now? break the pattern and then make a new one when you feel ready.

I’ve told social worker everything when she came out for review few days ago. But she’s not opening the case and just told me to cut contact if I wanted to, probably because I can’t prove any of this stuff is going on x

She actually has her second set of vaccinations end of this month so I might . X

@titchy Fuck me no court would approve any overnight for such a young baby - that would be totally traumatic for them. 50/50 isn't the norm until 2 years old at least. Sorry but your poor baby

This is utter claptrap balderdash rubbish. Have you worked in the family court? Ever?!

Fuck that, no way should your 3mo baby be away from you for that long, I'd I'd put a stop to this right now OP! Tell him he can come spend time with her at weekends at your house until she's at least a year old

So what if they take you to court?
You have log of this unhealthy behaviour.
I would never allow my theee month old to go away for this long - no overnights yet and he's a year now.
I would ask the health visitor to visit their home and have a chat with him
About risks of smoking and weed. She may see this as a safeguarding concern.

You have to see your boundaries. What you can't control and have to get used to is their reactions and complaints about your boundaries - expect this and know that it's not your problem. It's more important to
Take care of little baby than it is to people please to ex and ex mil. Take them off social media if you like.

His mum has dd now . Picked up about an hour ago
she said she was feeding my dd and I asked if her dad was working and that’s why she was feeding her . Nope, said he lost his job. So no income , no support and I’m working part time to make ends meet . I didn’t plan on going back to work so early but now I’m looking at increasing hours ..
il have a chat with hv

So being 50/50 does that mean he doesn’t have to pay his way ?
this is the message ..

If the arrangement is 50/50 then nooney changes hands. But 50/50 isn't a good set up for a 3mo.

• no money

reading that it sounds like his mother is telling you what to do your baby. She has no say. Don’t let her control you like this just because she is older. Who is she to be telling you he will have her 50 50.

Yeah I didn’t quite know how to reply to that part , now that he’s lost his job if I stop the 50/50 they’re gonna think I’m stopping because I want money 😭
can’t win

Well, this is the best time, because you won't get any money because he can't pay any.

Literally now, they can't say you did it for money.

They might think I’m doing it because he lost his job and can’t pay, so they’ll probably think I’m doing it to complain I’m not getting money . Does that make sense ?

They might think I’m doing it because he lost his job and can’t pay, so they’ll probably think I’m doing it to complain I’m not getting money . Does that make sense ?

No.

But that doesn’t matter. You have to start acting in your daughter’s best interests and that means being strong enough to insist that the overnight visits are stopped till she’s old enough, that nappies are the right size and nappy rash is properly treated, that there is no weed smoking in the home when she is there etc., etc. You are her voice - she depends on you to speak for her.

Going forward do not allow them to dictate what times they have access.

You don’t have to take on more hours with such a young baby. Universal credit will cover you.

Well, you can't be in charge of what people think. But at least for your own reassurance and to respond to them you can make it clear its not linked to money as you know there isn't any.

Take the next few days to think about it before she comes home.

You have the backing of SS to remove the overnights, if you feel you need it, and you aren't actually stopping him seeing his child.

Thank u all x

You sound as clueless as he is, to be fair.

How ? I’ve been told loads of different things hence why asking for advice .
i know basic parenting , and I’m not sure dds dad does . In the beginning it was fine because he didn’t take her at the start but only recently started as he wanted her and I didn’t know what he was doing at the time until now …

It's cruel messages like this that stop new mothers asking for advice.

There’s always one . Il take it with a pinch of salt