To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

@Julias21

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to come across as judgemental, but I can see how I did. I'm sure you're a great mum

Don’t worry I didn’t take offence . I can see by this thread why you’d comment that. It’s a lot for a 3 month old I do agree . Thank you 💐

I just haven’t learnt how to say no to people out of fear

That's a great pity and very unfortunate for you.
My ex husband from years ago really frightened me. He was very aggressive and I never wanted to set him off.

I’m so sorry 💐
I do get it , before my child’s father I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years . I was 17 and broke up when I was 21 (I’m 22 nearly 23 now so not that long ago!) and I was always scared to stand up for myself out of fear he would yell and degrade me . I sympathise

Thank you.
Even now, many years later, he still makes horrible remarks about me to our son. (Our daughter refuses to see him these days)

But I'm able to ignore him completely nowadays.

You'll get to that point yourself eventually.

100% agree you’ll get to the point of ignoring/not caring. It takes time, make sure you’ve positive people in your life to help yourself & your daughter 😌

@ThemysteriousH @TheShellBeach
I can’t remember who mentioned I could talk to the church . But what would they do ? Would it be the pastor I speak to ?
if I reach out to the church and tell them what I think of him etc, they obviously wouldn’t want him and his family there when doing the christening, am I right ?
I appreciate all your advice ladies . Thank you all

I don’t think the church would ban him from coming - depends if you want him there I suppose. Yes reach out to the pastor, even if it’s just for a chat and someone to confide in. They may be able to signpost you to services , help you seek legal advice.

I will keep you in my prayers. 💐

I think they would just be genuine impartial people to speak too & be a good support network :)

@Lilysienna1 @ThemysteriousH
they have returned her in the same vest I put her in yesterday, over 24 hours!! And same socks too , and size 2 nappies too small for her which I told them to put her on size 3s. I’m annoyed . Although they agreed I’m taking her this weekend and next , and all week so that’s something

They don't have the right to agree or not agree.
You're the baby's mother and main caregiver.

You decide.

@Julias21 you're the primary caregiver so it’s up to you when they have her or not - especially with the issues you have with them

I agree !

i know. I have her until Wednesday now . Then again on the Friday right though till next weekend (not sure if he’s having her during week yet) but I think they’re worried il stop them completely so I think they’re following with what I’m telling them instead of taking me to court

That’s a positive:)

I wonder. It wouldn't surprise me if you got a string of texts from him late at night when he's wasted!

Anyway, we'll see.
At least you've stood your ground. That's really positive.

The fact he put on that text "mum had her because mum wanted to have her" is very important here, and something I would bring up in court (if it gets there) as a reason why you have reduced the overnight.

You, her mother, have been sacrificing your own time with your own infant to increase baby's dads chance of building a strong relationship with her.

Her dad, however, isn't then prioritising his infants needs - to be with a parent. He is deferring to his mother's wants, handing the baby from you, past himself, and onto grandma.

You lose out on this extra time with baby (which you oreviouslt sacrificed for the good of baby getting to bond with dad) and dad doesn't even want it / or at least not enough to put his infant over his mother.

Keep that text!

I bet he just handed the baby over to his mum and went out.
It doesn't sound like he has ever looked after his baby by himself. I doubt if he'd truly want the baby all weekend if his mum wasn't there.

Court is not the worse thing in the world, i'm relieved we finally sorted things out in court, we'd been in mediation and he refused to sign the agreement so had to go, put a line under it all.

But as pps have said, full weekends way too long at this age, and smoking around the baby, and doing drugs, totally unacceptable. Tell him you're not happy and are changing the arrangements- get legal advice, it's worth it.

The dummy situation is pritty gross id definitely have a word with him about never doing it again

I have been to court and I can tell you the UK courts only push for 50/50 once the child is 3 years old. Under this age the courts view is the child she be with the mother. This is guaranteed.
Once the child is over 3 years old the courts (assuming you went back to court) would be looking to grant a 50/50 as the courts view then would be that the child will be better off with both parents. The only way this won't happen is if there is eveidnece of something bad like abuse, violence, addiction etc.
Although not nice the courts would not be interested in one of the parents being a smoker with regards to the dummy incident. This is just being petty.

I feel for you being a first time mum, I have kids with contact and for the child it's best to have good contact. I'm 50/50 on the dummy thing I would rather he do what he did, I'm sure it's less harmful that potentially what could be on the floor, imagine a tiny fragment of glass being there on the floor. I know it's unlikely but anything is possible. He's doing what he thinks is right. Tell them to change her regularly or just send her with size 3 if that's what your comfortable with her using. It's never easy but be greatfull for the break not all children have fathers in there life helping(or trying too). If your on good terms with mother tell her your concerns. Sounds like your going to be an amazing mum. Good luck

Op, I was in a similar situation and had intervention from a local domestic abuse charity in my area. It would be worth you getting in contact with woman's aid or a domestic abuse organisation. They will be able to help you, if your ex decides to go to court. You will be able to get help with legal fees but you have to show you've been getting help for domestic abuse. Court will be difficult but a solicitor will make it much easier. Domestic abuse is not always physical violence. It is about power and control and the fact that he threatened to hit you during pregnancy speaks volumes to what kind of person he is. It is honestly worth speaking to somebody, especially with a baby so young.

That alone is reason enough to reduce his visitation. Do you have him saying that in a message ? If you do you really wouldn't have to worry so much in terms of court between that and the smoking weed. If you don't, he's so incompetent it's likely easy to get him to admit how useless he is again in a text.