To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

No, they won't. If he pushes for court the court will want you both to come to an arrangement that is in the child's best interest.

So they may see it as detrimental to baby's interest to be away from her main carer for 4 days a week.

@SecondUsername4me so will they think it’s too long ?

Sorry they won't see your complaints and the other things you raised as a concern. (They allow things to happen they wouldn't like for their own children.)

However you don't have to do 50/50 or let him have her overnight until she is reaches her first birthday.

And contact is for your DD to bond with her father not the rest of his family.

I obvs don't want to tell you what to do, but shorter more freqquent periods of contact is typically seen as better at that age. Certainly no more than 1 night away from you in a row.

I'd probably suggest something like he has her noon Saturday til noon Sunday every week, or whatever 24 hour period works for everyone, then he can come collect her two afternoons a week for a couple of hours at a time and take her out, but she's home before bedtime.

And if his mum is doing his portion of the care, then drop the overnights completely.

@SecondUsername4me i genuinely had no idea that she shouldn’t be away from me for that long . To be fair I was getting worried that she wasn’t gonna know I was mummy because she hers looked after by his mum so much . I might have to have a conversation with her later about it . But I don’t think it’ll go down well. Heart is racing just thinking about it

You should do as what SecondUsername4me said until she is 6-7 months. Then extend the time he has her at that age, and then at 12 months extend it again.

You should put your plans clearly in an email with dates of your extensions.

He can try to go to Court to get an order but if you show you are sticking to what your plans he may not get one.

If they take you to court, after dropping the 50/50, then you bring up the facts that:-

• care is usually done by Grandma, not dad, which is why you've changed the arrangement
• dad smokes weed around baby and whilst caring for baby
• you've trialled the 50/50, feel it's far too young for the little one to be away from her primary carer (especially given that the Grandma is doing the work so it's not like dad is using the time to bond) and would like to revisit 50/50 after the baby's first birthday

You need to get proper legal advice.
With such a young baby he’s not entitled to 50/50 and in any case your DD isn’t receiving proper care there.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/ supports single parents. They have a helpline. Talk to them about your situation - they don’t give legal advice but they will be able to point you in the right direction.

Remember, when you have this conversation, you are your baby's only advocate here. You aren't "confronting" them - you are speaking up on behalf of your baby.

Genuinely can’t thank you all enough for the advice and support . Glad I posted this now cause I wouldn’t have known any of this !

I might have to have a conversation with her later about it .

You don't need to have a conversation with his mother.

Have a conversation with him and tell him what is happening.

Then put what you want to happen in an email.

So if you are going to do what SecondUsername4me until your daughter is 6/7 months then put that in the email.

Then if you are going to give him another full day (but no nights) during the week when she is 6/7 months until she is 12 months then put that in the email.

If you are then going to let him have more overnights at 12 months then put that in the email.

Don't worry, you won't have harmed her :)

But until she's at least 1, I'd not be thinking about overnights. I think my daughter started doing overnights with her dad when she was about 17 months.

OP, can I just say, having been on both this thread and your weaning thread, that I'm really glad that you've come to MN for advice and are really open to suggestions which differ from what you had in mind / were doing. You've taken on board suggestions of alternatives, and on the weaning thread, some direct criticism from posters, and you seem genuinely grateful to be better informed from the responses.

It's really refreshing to see, and clearly you are keeping your baby at the forefront of your mind in all of this and genuinely want to learn from advice and support of others.

Quite often if posters ask something and get a different opinion back, they can take it badly as if its mean, rather than just advice.

Don’t let them bully you into having her overnight. It is way too young. The courts would not force this until after 1. Be strong and and stop the current arrangement. You can do this. You can be advocate for your baby. Your baby is not a toy for his mother to play with she needs you.

@SecondUsername4me thank you ! I post for advice as don’t know what I’m doing ! I want to do what’s best for dd so before I do anything il ask if it’s okay. I’d never put her in harms way ! People were telling me stuff I didn’t know on that thread and I’m glad they did tell me otherwise I probably would have done it and not known any better

@Wishitsnows I’m just worried that they’re going to start , as if I just stop overnights it’ll be out of the blue for them . Then il look like the bad guy , hey they might even post about me on social media labelling me as a bad mum stopping them from seeing her !🤣

Op what support o you have generally in parenting and generally you read as a bit overwhelmed

if I just stop overnights it’ll be out of the blue for them . Then il look like the bad guy , hey they might even post about me on social media labelling me as a bad mum stopping them from seeing her !

It isn't about your rights or his mum's rights, it is about your baby's rights.

Your baby needs to be parented by you and her father not her paternal grandmother.

You need to be the main parent at the moment with her father being secondary. Then gradually you can be more equal if your DD is seems open to it. Remember each child is individual so that age that happens varies.

Block them on social media so you don't see their crap and they can't message you with abuse.

(Oh and his habits are absolutely disgusting. )

If she was breast fed.. she wouldn't be going at all.
A 3 month old should not be away from it's mother for that long of time.. I'd get some professional advice.
Good luck.

@Bargello my child is happy and healthy and well looked after in my care . As I’m sure she’s loved at her dads too , although as I said I’m just questioning his method of parenting . I’d never put her in harms way that’s why I’m asking advice . I didn’t know what way to take that comment

Who cares if they ‘start’ or put anything on social media. If they do you can use that in court to show their bullying behaviour.

Well, they might. But it doesn't make them right. Their personal opinion of you is largely irrelevant, and you need to let it wash off you. Baby comes first.

You could message him (keep it documented) whatever day you collect dd after this weekend and tell him that you are stopping the overnights "as on reflection blah...blah" and can he confirm which daytimes he is free to spend with her across the week.

Once it's a couple of weeks in, put in a claim for CMS.

That's a load of baloney...