To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

It doesn't sound ideal, but it's also not likely to do her any harm whatsoever as a rare occurrence.

You have a lot of threads on Mumsnet where you are asking if very tiny things will harm you and/or your baby - eg when you were pregnant you were convinced you'd harmed your baby by eating a sausage roll, or having a fruit drink in Costa. You also say in your other posts that you have severe anxiety and have been diagnosed with hypochondria - it's certainly obvious from your posting history that you are very, very obsessed with worrying about health and that your worries are disproportionate.

Consequently, my guess is that if you weren't worrying about this issue (which I notice actually happened a while ago and has stayed in your mind ever since) you would simply be worrying about something else.

Your ex-partner sounds like a twat, and I'm really not sure why you've agreed to him having this amount of overnight custody of your baby when you are clearly not OK with it, particularly if he doesn't actually do most of the baby care when she's with him anyway. But I also think you are hyper-sensitive and hyper-anxious and have a very skewed and disproportionate view of what is or isn't harmful. I'm guessing that literally anything your partner and his mum did would make you anxious.

To be fair , I don’t even remember posting those threads , pregnancy was absolutely wild for my anxiety .. im not that bad now
I don’t think absolutely EVERYTHING is going to harm her , it’s just not nice smoking around a baby, or sucking a dummy after smoking and putting it in her mouth , giving her nappy rash etc , and I’ve only found all this out last week, the dummy thing him doing it infront of me , I told him how unhygienic that is and not to do it and he said he always does !
50/50 was arranged because he didn’t think it was fair she lived with me and he didn’t see her
but after all that, and knowing that his mum takes her half the time (even through the night , she’ll have her in her room) that’s now why I’m questioning

I think you need to address the full weekend sleepovers now.
what happens when your child starts school?
you only do the boring life admin weekday stuff and no opportunities for days out, quality time etc.
every other weekend works better and a day in the week.
if he’s not parenting what is the point?

I never thought of it this way , you make a good point , thank you

You honestly need to stop thinking about what they'll say or think and just lay down the law. Can anyone help you?

Yeah i know , and yes I’m sure I can . Il seek out help and advice

How? Your previous threads for a start… this isn’t really asking for advice. It’s the very very basics that you need help with. Your poor baby.

shes only 3 months old and if he’s smoking around her that’s an increased risk of SIDS. I wouldn’t be entertaining 50/50 at 3 months old and no court in the land would enforce it this young. The poor parenting is not good. I’d send her for 1 night absolute max or preferably daytime only

I have anxiety , and my previous posts yes looking back now it’s extreme but at the time I was very vulnerable ! I’m not the one who needs help with basics , “your poor baby” she’s absolutely fine , loved , and healthy . Poor her !

It is not helpful to a new young mother for people to say things like "your poor baby" because it's unkind and unhelpful, and it will stop her from posting and asking for advice.

Also you’re sacrificing so much time with a small baby for the grandma to take care of her. I mean that’s better than him as she’s bound to have more of an idea but he won’t be pulling his weight at all. He’s not even paying for her essential.

Just wanna say thank you to everyone who gave me advice , and to (most) people being nice and understanding.
I’d never put my daughter in harms way , and I don’t think her dad would either , he’s just not educated and doesn’t listen , thinks all will be okay kind of man ..
shes coming back tomorrow evening so I can take her to church Sunday. Then they were going to take her Sunday again so I might just tell them to not take her and discuss why

I’m sure there’s plenty at church irl who will help and be there for you.

Also I’d make an appointment with the HV or SW and have ready a list of the negative things that you’ve stated - that way you’ll remember everything when seeing them :)

Sorry, OP, I know I’ve been really unfair and unhelpful with my comments. Your posts reminded me of someone in my real life, and without going into detail all I can say is I’m sorry for letting an innocent mums post, trigger me through no fault of your own! Anxiety is a horrible thing. I agree with you over the smoking issue and sucking her dummy after. Also agree with not smoking weed. Like others have said, it’s unlikely to be something used to cut contact. However, your baby is so young, I completely think you could stop 50/50 and reduce that, so that she spends more time with her primary caregiver. Especially since when she’s with ‘dad’ she’s palmed off with gran instead! I hope you’ve got some support in real life, and again, I’m sorry for letting something in my real life get in the way of offering support to someone reaching out for help. Your poor baby is definitely ok.

@Lilysienna1 not my post, but saw your comment after mine & without sounding patronising (I’m told I sound blunt/patronising when I really don’t mean too), but it’s so refreshing to see someone who can apologise or own their comment.
It’s something I’m working on IRL as I’m quick to say something then in hindsight realise it’s not what I mean.
Kudos to you, especially as a stranger on the internet it’s so easy to just not say anything.

Thank you. I really don’t deserve your kindness! It’s been bothering me since I commented, although I hope OP really did take me with a pinch of salt like she said, but if it did upset her, I didn’t want to change my username and run away. It was totally undeserved! You don’t sound patronising by the way… I need to work on scrolling past things unless I can offer kind words and actual support.

@Lilysienna1 thank you , I appreciate your apology , I did get a little offended but as a stranger on internet , I try take it with a pinch of salt . His mum text me saying she’s taking dd tonight , no idea why he can’t take his own daughter , not like he has a job to wake up for now :/ I plan on talking to him tomorrow when I get her back and reduce 50/50. I know he can take me to court about that , but she’s 3 months will they really make me do 50/50? (I’m in uk if that helps , I know some countries are diff)

You’re a much nicer person than I am to accept my apology. 💐 his mother might think she’s helping him/ you/ your daughter by taking her out, caring for her etc and I’m sure she loves her very much, but she’s literally doing the opposite of helping anyone isn’t she. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Her son needs a giant kick up the backside, and he’s not going to get if his mummy is doing all the things he’s meant to be doing. I’m not completely sure if some PP’s were right saying under 1, it doesn’t HAVE to be 50/50, but honestly I think you would have a very strong case against 50/50 being forced on you- because let’s face it, he’s not even doing 50% is he, his mum is doing the majority of it! and she doesn’t have parental rights. Do you think he would even take you to court though? He doesn’t sound motivated enough to even go that far. Plus it’s quite expensive, so he better get a job first!

@Julias21 I don’t think a court with what your writing would do 50/50 at her age, she needs to be with her primary caregiver more which is you.
Also he couldn’t even afford court not working and doesn’t sound like he bothers much with DD from what I’m reading.

Keep communicating with the professionals & build a support system. Your DD needs you, these are times where she’s building a bond with you ♥️

@Lilysienna1 i don’t think he would , especially with no job , I’m really hoping he’ll be mature and understand. It’s not like I’m cutting contact. So really, he’d be silly to🤣 no problem , I’m not the one to hold a grudge . :)
@ThemysteriousH thank you, I tried speaking to my hv but she just said that there’s no set age and both parents equally important , so unsure who to ask really x

Wonder if you can get some actual legal advice. I’m sure you can get half hour free unless that’s changed, and you might be entitled to more than that depending on your circumstances. It might be a good idea to find out exactly what you can / can’t do by law, should he be a knob about it and refuse to change things as they stand. Another thing, not sure if it would help, but could you ask your HV about local support groups for new mums or general baby groups. They may also know of courses you can go on - not because youre not a good parent, but because you’re a new one and babies don’t come with instruction manuals! You could build up a bigger and better support group alongside other mums at groups, and if there are any courses - say for example ‘what to expect in your babies first year’ or something specific like weaning, it might just help to give you the confidence in your own abilities, and when other issues arise with your ex’s parenting (which they will) you will be armed with the knowledge, to address the things he does that you’re not happy with. Not difference in parenting styles, which might take compromise and acne orange on both sides, but things that are unsafe and that you know are unsafe as you’ve learnt about this things. Does that make sense? Say weaning for example, he might be giving your daughter foods that are unsafe and unhealthy, but you won’t feel anxious or unsure if you’re right or wrong because of the knowledge you have. Knowledge is power! Best of all, it gives you quality time with your baby, make friends with other mums and babies, and get some enjoyment out of this first year of motherhood. 💐

The above was meant to say *compromise and acceptance, not acne orange 😭

I was sooo confused . Think I read that sentence 10x over 🤣🤣 so funny . But thank you so much , sorry if I came across in anyway silly. I appreciate the change of heart 🫶🏻

just get yourself a spotty orange and all will be fine. 🍊 🤣🤣 😭

Do you think your ex could benefit from doing a parenting course? He sounds lazy and a bit of a loser anyway, but could some of his attitude be due to a lack of confidence and anxiety over getting it wrong himself? I know a lot of dads can feel way more out of their depth than mums, when their children are small babies. They tend to naturally parent better when they’re toddlers or even older. I wonder if his mum is taking over , being bossy, telling him he’s doing things wrong and so he’s stopped bothering. As I said, I really don’t think she’s helping matters in all of this as there is like 3 of you trying to co- parent here. 🤦🏻‍♀️ she needs to back off a bit (A lot) and see how her son does without her doing so much of the care.