To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

I've had a look through your other threads and you did mention a long previous toxic relationship, OP.
I just wondered if the reason you don't feel confident about challenging your boyfriend and his mother when they say they're going to take your baby 50/50 is because you haven't experienced any nurturing, positive relationships in the past. It sounds like you're always being told what to do.

Keep writing down and recording everything you can think of, time and date etc.
It sounds like the HV isn’t very supportive but is she aware of the safeguarding things you’ve mentioned?
The milk drowning whilst feeding, increased risk of SIDS (with the weed smoking & dummy) are big factors.

You mentioning these things to professionals has a trial of evidence and shows you’re doing everything you can to safeguard your daughter.
You can talk to your GP, ring social services for support, get an advocate, ask for another health visitor if you don’t think you’re being taken seriously.

This is advice I wish I took myself when DS1 was young. I was awarded 85% custody anyway, but I wish that I’d have spoken up more. I was (am) shy and it felt lonely.
Every situation is different, this is just from my experience.

By the sounds of things he doesn’t really bother that much and he wouldn’t be able to afford the court fees.

You sound like you need to believe in yourself and build on confidence, easier said than done I know.
You're the voice for your daughter x

hi everyone so I just spoke to dd dad about this . And this is what I got .
what am I to do
@ThemysteriousH
@Lilysienna1
@TheShellBeach

Aha, so it IS about the money.
Don't delete those texts.

He's not even looking after the baby when he's meant to. His mum does it.

And how typical to mention losing his wages during the week. That's a male view and no mistake. He's basically saying they it's all right for you not to earn money during the week because you're the baby's mother!

How selfish and misogynistic is that?

Anyway. Don't give his mum the baby next weekend. Let your BF take you to court.

And make a CMS claim. Stand firm, Julia. You can do this. And BTW your HV sounds useless to me. She of all people should understand attachment theory.

(did you realise your baby's name is on some of those texts)

Good for you.

I would write an email (more official than social media) stating he can have her a couple afternoons and 1 evening whilst she’s this young or 70/30 for example.
Then list reasons what you’re concerned about and what needs to change & that you’re seeking advice from professionals for your daughters sake.
State you won’t speak inbetween and have it set and if he’s a problem with it take you to court (he won’t)

Is she with you? I’d keep her this weekend and then Monday ask to speak to SS for advice/help. They’ll see it as a positive that you want to engage.
Id then stop replying/block until you’re clearer on things.

Hopefully someone will come along with better advice that will make sense, but that’s what I would do :)

Also, you need to spell out to him what the other main reasons are for you not wanting him to have the baby - such as smoking tobacco, smoking weed, licking baby's dummy, and not changing the nappy enough.

Don't let him push you around.

I agree about sending emails to this man.
I'd ignore any texts he sends. Just don't reply.

Make things strictly impersonal. He doesn't have power or control over you.

You're the baby's mother, her advocate, her champion. Don't lower your standards. Remember how aggressive her dad can be. You don't want your daughter around that.

@TheShellBeach @ThemysteriousH whoops just realised her name on there , it’s okay. Julias isn’t even my name either it’s just random 🤣
i get her back later then they were gonna take her again Sunday and bring her back Monday. So I might just tell them il keep her Sunday aswell . I think I will just ring ss and see their suggestions, rather than hv 🤞🏻

And ignore his mum, if she starts texting you or phoning you.

It's okay to put the phone down. You don't have to engage with either of them. Remember that.

@TheShellBeach she always said she never would get involved in mine and dd relationship but she definitely will text me at some point about it . 🤣

That's good!
Start to be strong

This is your baby. She only gets one mum and one childhood. Make sure it's as gentle and good as possible.

You are entitled to completely ignore her.

Without sounding patronising, it’s refreshing to see a poster that asks/takes advice.

You sound strong - Fight for your daughter’s rights. She needs her mum more than her shit
dad.
Speak to anyone that will help, social services, GP, and state until then she’s with you.
I’m sure there will be resources online that will back up that at that age she needs to be with the primary caregiver most of the time.

Keep communication to one email and block. You’ve got this!
Keep yourself busy with mum and baby groups, seeing people from church, friends/family, anything to distract from the negativity of them.

@TheShellBeach i know . They will turn everything against me and make me look horrible and il be all over social media as a shit mum.
I know that’s not important but my reputation is important. I’m a good mum and that’s all I want to be seen as :(

Delete social media or restrict what you see - I myself still worry about what’s said about me and it’s horrible. But what’s important in all this is what’s right for your daughter.
Those that matter to you both with understand the truth and back you. Others opinions don’t matter. I know it’s easier said than done

I don’t even have his email. He probably won’t even give it to me 🤣

Write a letter to his address - take a photo of it as proof!

He gave me his email address ! What now ?

3 months old?!?

Yeah , to be fair I was very sleep deprived and quite frankly bullied into letting them take her . Now that she’s sleeping more I’m also sleeping more and starting to figure out how they are . What matters now is that I’ve realised that

State facts in the email:
-What contact going forward he will have
-Your concerns/seeking advice
-Only communication to be done about your daughter and via email
-if he doesn’t agree then take you to court (I really don’t think he will!)
-that he needs to pay CMS

He sounds insufferable. He’s not even having a discussion with you, he’s telling you what he thinks it’s going to happen just because he says so. Well done for being strong enough to call him out! Because you ARE doing 50/50 with his mum right now. Keep those texts! And keep repeating if need be, that he can seek legal advice if he thinks he’s not getting enough access. But you’re the one that can back up your reasons, you’re the one thinking of your daughter and being a decent responsible parent.

It would be a good idea not to look on SM.

It's just words. Words won't change the actual truth.

Ignore them! You're fighting for your baby's happiness and that's a good thing.

I get a feeling that lots of people have bullied you in your life, OP.

I'm sorry about that.

It's time to show the world how strong you are now, on behalf of your lovely little baby. Your relationship with her is the most important thing in the world.

I just haven’t learnt how to say no to people out of fear and being a people pleaser . I need to change that for dd.
I think it’s a bit crazy how he said before to me that if he wanted a weekend off he’d expect me to take her and vice versa , cause he’d have her every weekend
now that I’m telling him he doesn’t have to do every weekend so I can have a weekend with her too it’s all of a sudden different . I told him it’s him that needs to make an effort during the week to see her if he doesn’t have her a weekend