To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

@SecondUsername4me yeah il do that, I know it’s in her best interest I’m just quite anxious about it .. @McKenzieFriend001 really ? I didn’t think that sounded right , as I’ve heard of court cases with babies younger than one

If he pushes the overnights, then let it go to court. Let a judge decide. That's fine - you clearly care about your responsibility to your child, and don't seem to want to block access at all, so all he would be doing is demanding to have baby overnight 50/50 which, in a young baby, is not actually seen as a good arrangement anyways.

@Julias21 Sorry there won't be a final ruling.

There will be interim rulings which will make it clear when the OP should make the baby available to their father.

Though with the Court backlogs the father will be lucky to get an interim hearing before the baby is one.

Does he work, OP?

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to suggest moving forwards to her spending family with dad every alternate weekend Friday to Sunday, and a midweek overnight weekly, say Tuesday to Wednesday. This way she gets to spend quality family time with both parents on each alternate weekend.

So week 1:
Tuesday after afternoon nap time or when he finishes work for example, to Wednesday morning;

Week 2:
Tuesday after afternoon nap time or when he finishes work for example, to Wednesday morning;

Friday after he finishes work to Sunday after afternoon nap time.

This allows for shorter and more frequent family time with dad with the introduction of a mid week so they don't go days without seeing one another.

The child is 3 months old.

Not 3 years old.

@Reugny and to date OP has been offering every weekend Friday to Monday.

If she now withholds there need to be pretty significant / major and evidenced safeguarding concerns, which there aren't. It would be better to move forward in a conciliatory manner than end up in court - if OP can get the suggestion I made into an informal agreement then that becomes the status quo. Currently the status quo is every weekend and a court order could be made to reflect that, which isn't in anyone's best interests.

She is much too young to be away from you that long. Agree with above that you nedd to change the days. Less time more frequently.

Him being high while caring for her is a concern, it's not just the dummy. You need to document every time you know him to be stoned while she's in his care.

yes @McKenzieFriend001 he works .
there was safety concerns in my pregnancy , he threatened to hit me when I was 6 weeks which got social services involved . They closed the case when she was born , then came back again the other day but told me they aren’t opening the case again and she advised me that I can cut contact due to his behaviour . So I really don’t know what to do

If she now withholds there need to be pretty significant / major and evidenced safeguarding concerns

No there doesn't. "We tried it, and on reflection, it's not beneficial for a 3mo to he away from her primary carer for such long periods every week, we will try again at 8mo"

she advised me that I can cut contact due to his behaviour . So I really don’t know what to do

You cut contact.

I wish you'd put this in your OP.

Ok so SS rarely write down what they say, but it is not unreasonable to write to them and say "just to clarify so I know I fully understood what we discussed - you have suggested that I reduce family time with dad to reflect Child Name's age and her needs at this current time." - even if they don't answer, it's documented (and no answer may well be construed as an agreement).

Until SS say that it is worth considering exercising your PR and withholding to safeguard your child, you're in a bit of a tricky position as contact is currently ongoing.

If you were to suggest midweek, weekly overnight, or if that doesn't work for him because of his work pattern, after work for a couple of hours on a Tuesday and Thursday (weekly) plus alternate weeks Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon, this may be more like a schedule a court would promote for such a young child.

Did SS say this: it is worth considering exercising your PR and withholding to safeguard your child?

You're clearly doing your best, OP.
It isn't at all usual for such a young baby to be away from her mother for three days a week.
You need to tell him that you're stopping this, and let him see her for an hour a week.

It's great that you're willing to take advice.

BTW did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?
To respond to someone, click on the three dots and select QUOTE.

No . She said “if you’re not happy with the care she’s getting you can stop contact and he can take u to court”

Thanks ! I was wondering lol

Apart from the time he tried to hit you during your pregnancy is there any other history of domestic abuse, @Julias21?

Not a chance in hell he would be having my baby at all. A smoker? Nope. No chance. Quit your addiction and then maybe we can talk.

Agree with pp. In any situation, baby should not be away from you for more than an hour or so - baby doesn’t even know they are a separate person to you yet. It will be very distressing for her.

Just the arguing . His temper is wild . But it settled when she was first born now it’s all over show again

I’d stop the weekend contact - at that age she shouldn’t be away from you for longer than a couple of hours (and how can you stand to be away from her for so long while she’s so tiny?! Must be so hard for you!)

Not with such a little one

It's too long

Especially as he needs his mum to help!

This ! I said the same about his smoking . Ss said “I know lots of parent smokers and they’re great parents” but agreed not when in baby’s care . I find it absolutely disgusting

Most anxious few days of my life !!;(

On Boxing Day he was supposed to take her but said he couldn’t cause his mum was out ? I said okay so why can’t you take her ? And he said incase he doesn’t know what to do if she’s crying or what’s wrong . Makes me think that his mum deffo does all the work

Definitely speak to your health visitor OP, she'll manage to help you. YANBU to be concerned about your daughters care. It's not natural for a 3 month old baby to be away from it's mum for that length of time at that age and I would be very surprised if any court in the land would disagree with that

I'd also keep record of all these small incidents and things he does/says