To question my daughters dads parenting ..

[Julias21]

My dd (3 months) goes to her dads on weekends (lives with his mum so his mum looks after her half the time 🫣) so we had a fall out and don’t speak and go through his mum now. But when we were on good terms we went to church on Sunday , he smoked a cigarette on the way . Then when she dropped her dummy in church he picked it up and sucked it (I believe to remove any dirt/hair/fluff. But he did it right after smoking a cigarette. Aibu to think this is wrong and disgusting ? I meant after having a cigarette not in general. And he did it infront of me so god knows what he does when I’m not there . He smokes weed too and he’ll smoke it when his mum watches her so he might also suck her dummy after weed too. He also brings her back with her nappies so tight leaving red marks and nappy rash, I told them to put her onto size 3s like I have and they refuse and say size 2s are fine . Aibu? Thoughts ?

I'm sure his mum does all of it.

Has he even given her a bottle?

My friend has recently gone through similar issues with her child, she tried to stop her ex having her baby overnight, he took her to court, took 4 months and court ruled he could have child 50/50, child is now 7/8 months old, she’s not been allowed to stop his access due to court order and she can’t afford to fight it

When you do establish overnight contact - after she’s a year old - PP’s suggestion of alternate weekends is a good one. You should each have some fun time with her.

And this is why i don’t want court . Incase it’s not gonna change things !

He has yes but he holds the bottle so it’s near drowning her . I keep telling him to hold it up nore cause of her reflux but he does it out of habit

Op I couldn’t find if you answered above- do you have support in real life? Any family you can talk to? Mn is so helpful but obviously support in real life is more ideal as they’d see first hand his things are and you could talk them out x

@Julias21 Just the arguing . His temper is wild . But it settled when she was first born now it’s all over show again

In the absence of evidenced DA, (ok so a temper is potentially DA, but it's hard to evidence unless police / SS involvement which you have had (SS), but it sounds like it might have been a one off?) you would first have to attempt mediation before raising court proceedings. What it might be worth doing is saying to dad "in light of my recent concerns raised regarding you smoking / smoking weed around our daughter, I suggest we engage with a mediator [look up "national family mediation" online and specify your local area, and there will be a couple of suggestions you can offer] in order to move forward with contact which is safe and practical for our baby, in light of her welfare needs and her well-being. Let me know which mediator you are happy to engage with and I shall make arrangements."

This way you can then reasonably withhold your daughter, get a mediation appointment in the diary, (the initial outlay should be around £50-£90), there is currently a voucher scheme worth £500 for your joint sessions so do ask if the mediator accepts the voucher scheme, and try negotiating family time (shorter and more frequent) with him that way. If you don't want to be in the same room as him you can request shuttle mediation but not all mediators do this - so do ask.

If that doesn't work, you've done exactly what you need to, and it will be up to him to obtain a certificate from the mediator (MIAM) with which he can then pay the court for the privilege (£232) of raising child proceedings using form C100.

Yes sorry, I have some , not overly a lot , though . X

Julias21
ah I hope it all works out op, you sound lovely!!

I can't believe what I am reading. Entrusting a tiny baby into the hands of someone who smokes anything is utterly irresponsible, and weed - even worse so. Why are some people allowed to have children?

Hi ! I have raised my concerns with the smoking with ss and she doesn’t think it’s a good enough reason for me to completely cut contact . I’ve been on his back about it since being pregnant and he said he’s cut down. He only started again since having her more and that’s why I’m asking advice as now I’m more concerned, I’m more than capable. But thanks for the input ! Hope you have a nice day x

Jesus and now you are uploading pictures of her and telling the world her name...are you very young OP?

Sorry I have reported didn’t think I was doing anything wrong .. my bad

Hi OP,
Please listen and follow what SS say.
I agree with what PP have said - 3 months is so young to be away from you that long, I’ve been in the same position and ex was only allowed DS 2x afternoon a week.

The smoking thing is really unhygienic- but read since then that when he gives her a bottle it’s like he’s drowning her? And his bad temper?
All these signs really aren’t good :(

Please take the advice from professionals such as HV & SS, they will help you and respect you asking for their help.

Also posting her picture and name on a public forum I really wouldn’t advise.

Hope this doesn’t sound judgemental, it’s coming from a place of caring.

Take care & remember you’re the voice of your baby - she needs you to be her advocate.

I'm sure you're doing your best but do SS know that he smokes weed and doesn't change her nappies often enough?

I'm guessing he's doing this so he doesn't have to pay you child support.

Yes , she knows . But he still does it

Probably

Unless she's being breastfed dad has as much right to have her as her mother

This is what I thought too . I’m being told it’s fine than others saying it’s not . :/

It's not about dad's right. On these scenarios, the child has rights. The parents have responsibilities

The rights of the child, especially one so young, is to have a significant portion of their time with one adult who is the primary carer, and for the non primary carer to have frequent bursts of 1.2.1 time with the baby to ensure a bond is built.

As the child grows, so they are able to spend longer away from their primary carer and more time with the non primary carer, with an aim to get to 50/50 at an age which is healthy for the child.

Neither parent has a right here.

I would only leave my dc with someone on drugs if a court forced me too.

Report his child neglect and stop contact until he has got clean.

@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag the thing is , when he comes to visit her at my house he’s very clearly stoned . I would tell him to not go near her and to leave in that case . Now thing is , I’m not sure if he actually smokes it when he has her . (He might do considering his mum always takes over) but there’s no way for me to ever know he’s doing it when he has her , as a full time smoker I think he probably does , but I can’t prove that, and if I ask him he’s obviously going to lie and say no

Fuck me no court would approve any overnight for such a young baby - that would be totally traumatic for them. 50/50 isn't the norm until 2 years old at least. Sorry but your poor baby