To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

You are one of millions of parents who work to provide for their children. Guilt is a wasted emotion.

DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Providing full time childcare for a toddler is a lot more than 'helping out'. Don't put the blame on your dp's parents for their decision.

BodenCardiganNot

where had OP said she expects full time childcare from her in-laws? Maybe she was hoping for a day or 2 a week? Perfectly normal arrangement in my experience.

OP don’t feel guilty. Working to provide for your child is perfectly normal. I assume you have thought about the alternatives and if this is the least bad option let go of the guilt. This will be normal life for your DC and they will not know any different. Bedtimes, weekends and holidays will be extra special.

My daughter just turned one and started nursery. I completely understand the mum guilt. My mum and my MIL were SAHMs so I'm constantly comparing myself to them. I try to remember that times are different now- cost of living is very high. I also try to remember that there have been downsides for my mum and MIL. My Dad had a serious accident at work when I was still very young and couldn't work for years. My Mum had to scramble to find a job and it wasn't easy with a big gap on her CV. She had to accept jobs that paid poorly and she hated until retirement. Her career just never recovered. My MIL never returned to work and it seemed to create a really unbalanced household. Her job was the children, so FIL left all parenting to her and never had a good bond with his children. And FIL called all the shots in the household because he earned all the money.

Right now, it feels so hard adjusting to being back at work and leaving my daughter at nursery but over time it will get easier as I get used to it. And there will be benefits in that she will interact with children her own age (she's our only living child and likely to stay that way) and start to learn stuff at nursery.

OP you are going to be a parent for 18 years, and beyond. It is not all about the baby/toddler years. (Tbh it's not even the best part of parenting). Your child will grow up with a mum setting a great example, showing him that the world does not revolve around him and his needs, and that if he wants clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food on the table, this is done by working, not sitting around at home. He will see his mum as an equal partner as dad. and he will learn to value family time in the evenings and at weekends. Oh and he is less likely to be 'that kid' clinging to you howling on his first day in Reception. He will learn to share and be socialised.
Dust off that work suit (or whatever you wear to work). It will be fine!

What a lovely response 😊

where had OP said she expects full time childcare from her in-laws? Maybe she was hoping for a day or 2 a week? Perfectly normal arrangement in my experience.

Well she might have been hoping for it, but it's not unreasonable at all for her in-laws to not want to do it! You should never expect parents to provide childcare for you. Childcare arrangements are something you really have to consider before you have a child - you can't just hope for something.

@ChamomileHoneyTea it's quite normal to feel as you do before you go back to work - but the vast, vast majority of women have to go back to work in some kind of capacity. It's only the very wealthy who don't! You certainly aren't abandoning your child. That's catastrophic thinking.

Please don't feel guilty about it - as PP have said, it's a wasted emotion. I wonder how many fathers feel this kind of guilt?!

You have made some very good points in your post...

This response should be framed somewhere! 💯👏🏻

Very normal to feel guilty at this stage but there really is no need.

Mine have both started nursery FT at about 10 months and it's been brilliant. That place is like another home, they both feel so happy and settled there. The FT kids always seem to think they run the place. Some of the staff have looked after both of them, and the woman who ran the baby room when DC1 was there now manages the associated after school club which is wonderful. She's in school with kids she knows since the baby room.

I was also raised by a SAHM and there were huge upsides to that, but my DC are so much more socially confident and independent than I ever was and I credit nursery with that.

My daughter is in FT and has been since 10 months.

she has THRIVED.

I understand the Mum guilt. I had it when my son went off to nursery at 14 months. However, after the initial settling in period, he thrived and loved it there.

The Mum guilt fades so stick with it.

Nurseries are heaving. This is one of the most normal situations. Little point feeling guilt over it.

My DS thrives at nursery, he does so much more there than he'd ever do at home with me and the nursery environment was so much better for him than being left with grandparents every day.

Funny there is no such thing as dad guilt. We never judge men who go back to work full time, present or past. You child will grow up to see both parents working effectively as a team, contributing equally to the house, and showing that women are just as capable as men in terms of having a career and financially supporting the household. Hopefully this next generation will see further equality!

Totally normal to feel as you do. I felt very much like this. Also a) completely pointless as you have no control over the situation and b) unneeded.

Millions of children go to childcare every day and the vast majority of them thrive. They are likely, on a net basis, to benefit from it and your family will benefit from the financial support.

Your emotions are very natural and normal but they will pass.

Came here to say I feel the exact same at the moment in a very similar situation and have found such comfort in all these lovely replies!

Something I read somewhere which helped me and may help you is at this age, there needs can be met by anyone (within reason/ professionals etc) and they certainly won't remember it. What they will remember when they are older is the house they lived in, the opportunities you gave them, the holidays you took them on etc. It is when they are older that they truly need mum or dad to meet there emotional needs and are in school full time at this point anyway.

Sending big hugs, we've got this ✊

The majority of parents these days use formal childcare for young children, it's not just you, if that helps. There are surveys done each year and you can see that for 0-4 year old children about 70% use some childcare, 60% the "formal" sort so not informally with grandparents. And that's mostly so parents can work.

https://explore-education-statistics.service.gov.uk/find-statistics/childcare-and-early-years-survey-of-parents

100% with this response.

My twins went into nursery at 8 months old. My younger boy never did.

None of them remember much about time before school, but it's never been any sort of bone of contention. And in terms of sociability and personality, they're all perfectly well-adjusted lads who like to spend time with their parents (within reason ).

Don't feel guilty. It's a wasted emotion. Plus you're allowed a life outside of being a mum.

My son loves nursery. He is now 3 and has gone since he was a baby. The other day when I went to pick him up he saw me and shouted OH NOOOOOOO really loudly. I was mortified, but the staff thought it was hilarious. He wanted to hang out there longer.

I love and agree with this post 100% 💜💜💜

What weird anti-SAHM rhetoric! I understand that you're trying to make OP feel better but you have implied that SAHMs aren't equal partners, don't set a great example for their children, sit at home all day and are more likely to have clingy kids. It's pretty depressing that it always comes down to these lazy clichés where SAHMs and WOHMs seek to undermine the other to justify their own decisions. It's unnecessary, unkind and just ends up with everyone being dragged down.

OP, it's fine to feel a bit disappointed if you wanted to be a SAHM and can't be one or if you feel that your child would benefit from having a SAHP. The reality is that not many families can afford to have a SAHP and times have changed from when you grew up so there is no point in making a comparison. It is also important to take a long term view, not only from a financial perspective but just from a parenting perspective. We cannot be perfect parents and we all will make compromises at some point. I think when you have a baby you get a false sense of control where you feel completely responsible for making the 'right' decisions for them because we feel like we are effectively their world.

In reality though, the real world will open up to them over time and this will be just one of many compromises that will be made as your control over your child's situation diminishes. They may go to sub optimal schools, have questionable friends, not be able to pursue every interest they have and ultimately make decisions for themselves that you feel are bad choices. You being a SAHM or not won't seem like such a big deal in the context of the wider journey of them becoming independent adults so please don't feel like this is the be all and end all. Do the best you can in the circumstances that you find yourself in and this is all you can expect fro yourself. Don't go chasing impossible ideals!

there's always one.

Everyone else who has quoted my post agrees with me

So? Do you think what you wrote isn't anti-SAHM rhetoric?

I also found your post unnecessarily critical of SAHMs. It's a shame you couldn't find ways of supporting the OP without bringing in that criticism.

OP, your child will be absolutely fine at nursery- my nephew was the clingiest child I ever met and even he loved it after a bit of a rocky start! Equally, I'm sure my child will be fine being raised by a SAHM- who knows, she may even see me as an equal parent... 🙄

I work full time so my 2 year old is in full time nursery. She absolutely loves it. She doesn't even say bye to me when I drop her off, she's too busy running in the door to play with her friends. She's thriving.

I'm currently on maternity leave myself and when I return to work my son will be joining her.

Don't feel guilty, after seeing how far my daughter has come along, to me it's the best thing you can do for a child.