To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

I completely understand your guilt. This time in life is still really difficult, juggling returning to work with a change to your child’s routine. I remember worrying that my son wouldn’t love me any more when he was at nursery all day. The truth is he loved nursery, had all sorts of fun and experiences he wouldn’t have had with me as I don’t have that skill set. We didn’t live near grandparents at the time but even if we did they wouldn’t have been able to look after him. He’s now 12 and we have a great relationship as my husband and I make sure we’re there for him (and his little sister) emotionally. My mum was a SAHM but we didn’t have a great relationship and now we don’t speak. Being there all day isn’t the default for a good upbringing. You can still be a great mum with a well adjusted happy child if you are working. I hope the transition goes well.

SAHM’s are sensitive to criticism

I think if there's one thing that this thread has made absolutely clear, it's that MUMS are sensitive to criticism, not just SAHMs.

OP- the only thing that really matters in the long run is that your child/ren know that you are their champion, that your love for them is absolute and unconditional and that you always did your best for them, no matter what form that takes. Feeling guilty comes with the territory and believe me, you'll feel it about many things over the years. But your children will do splendidly- how could they not? You're their mum, their Number One Fan.

Guilt is pointless, it is what it is. My kids had a SAHP and it hasn't made their experience any better or worse than those in formal childcare. I know the emotion is hard to deal with but (kindly) get over it, this is not the point of parenting to be hard on yourself about. You knew in planning kids this was the likely outcome so be confident about your decision being the right one for your family.

Where are the statistics that show children in childcare have a worst time than children with stay at home parents?

You are literally cluttering up the thread with unhelpful posts. If I am selfish then so are you! OP can take from my posts what she chooses to, I offered her advice to her specific situation in my first post. I won't be silenced or shouted down though by posters that don't like the fact that I have called someone out for some unkind and unnecessary comments.

Ofcourse it's fine for them to not want to but can bet they used their parents for childcare. My mom did full time 5 days a week and now she wouldn't even offer to have her grandkids

Grow. UP.

Completely agree. Absolute waste of energy.

Focus instead on what you will do together when you are not working.

Ask your DH abou how he is coping with these feelings. I bet he isn't feeling guilty.

As for the comment that only very wealthy women can afford to be SAHM - this is also bollocks! Ffs! Have you seen the cost of full time nursery - in London especially? For some, the cost of childcare is largely what drives the decision to have a SAH parent.

PS ignore the shitty responses. They are written by insecure people who are attempting to validate their own lives by being being arseholes to people who made different choices to themselves.

Don’t feel guilty, your child will have a great time socialising and doing loads of different activities. My DD went to nursery at 10 months, single parent so no choice but to work full time. Her nursery was amazing, she loved it and still talks about some of the things she did there. She went to school ready and with no worries as she was used to different settings and being away from mum. Thousands of children go to full time nursery, don’t feel bad, you’ll love your weekends when you get to do lovely family things.

women need to stop this feeling guilty nonsense. Why are we socialised to believe every decision we make about our children is a terrible one? He will be going to a place with toys, other children to make friends with, an amazing garden and a fun filled day. Nursery is great for them!

71% of mums with under 5 s work compared to 29% who are SAHMs. Years ago more women stayed at home ,often not very happily .You are doing right by your DC dont feel guilty ,

This is a lovely response, except you know SAHMs don’t ’sit around all day’…

OP- it IS hard but guilt is a wasted emotion. He will be fine. If you’re really finding it hard being FT is there any flex at all do go part time? I also completely understand about family help- we had/have none, and it always saddens me a little when I see grandparents taking their grandkids to classes/have them over for sleepovers etc. Family help makes such a difference.

I’ve worked all through motherhood bar maternity leave but the shitty, nasty comments about SAHMs are totally uncalled for. What’s that about? Is it envy? Why else would you be so shitty about another woman’s choice?

This is the reality for baby now unfortunately, could you maybe drop a day so you can spend an extra day with your child? Or even work from home a couple of days so you can pick up your child earlier from nursery?

Working from home saves me at least an hour of commuting on a good day, but can be up to 2hrs which is valuable time with my family. I am fortunate enough to work Flexi hours so working early mornings and nap times to still be able to care for my children when needed, but I appreciate I am in a very lucky position to do this, if I had to work regular hours in an office I would definitely look to reduce my hours if financially viable, they are only young once after all.

Have you considered working part time? If you consider the tax implications against the childcare costs it often makes sense to do that.

The votes aren’t going to clear on this one.
you are not being unreasonable feeling this way. It’s natural, you’re a loving parent.
to bring some rationality into it, lots of parents do it. Find the right nursery and you’ll be ok.

I don’t agree with you either. Op has nothing to feel guilty about of course but you don’t have to be so sneery about stay at home mums to get that point across. Nothing wrong with either option but on mumsnet you get people falling over themselves to tell you how tedious and awful being a SAHM is.

Every time I felt guilty, I used to ask myself whether dh did. I asked him once, and he just looked blank.
I also reminded myself that sahm were not the norm in most wc families; one of my aunties remembers being kept off school to look after younger kids cos her mum was in work. My other gmither's mil lived there and looked after the kids whilst she went to work in a factory. These women didn't have careers, they were just surviving. At least your kids will be loved after well.

It passes in a blink of an eye too, then you'll be feeling guilty cos all their mates are allowed out until x time but you won't let them.

I don’t think this is op particularly but it always amazes me when people expect the grandparents to provide childcare!

I mean like why?! many will still be working and those that aren’t are entitled to enjoy their retirement!

I don't think she was putting the blame on her in-laws. I just read it as her stating the facts

Don't stress, it's actually good for them, so much more they can do with kids, so many resources and they generally read well there. Only downside is cost, inevitable illnesses, tiredness when you get them home, etc.
It took longer for me to get used to it but I love my job and glad I didn't ditch it

I agree completely and I definitely think it’s done my children much more good than harm seeing their mum have a career, do well and able to do nice things with them. Much rather them be in paid childcare with grandparents who begrudged looking after them as they wanted their free time (and rightly so after years of working). Those first 5yrs go so fast, guilt really is a wasted emotion and does no-one any good

Childcare is fantastic. They get to do child-centred activities all day, with fun people trained to do this stuff and better still, other children of their own age.

If I was at home with my kids, the lure of books and internet would be too great and there would be less stimulation or fun. They wouldn't be at the centre of the day. There would be no pressure to fit stuff in and this would turn me into a slob.

Once they were in daycare, it was always lovely to collect them and and use the few hours that were left before bedtime to do nice things together. I do remember taking them to the park a lot after school/ childcare and having the whole place to ourselves. I always wondered where the stay-at-home mums were on the fine afternoon, missing out on the park, while I listened to the poplar leaves rustle and took joy from being with my own kids. Same with the weekends; time with kids was a novelty and we enjoyed it more and were happy to base the two days solely around them.