Page 13 | To have mum guilt over childcare situation

ChamomileHoneyTea · 2024-01-26T10:09:06+00:00

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one). I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work. Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out. Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:23

@Twolittleloves this is a horrible and untrue thing to say That said, in a good nursery, some babies do okay too
Most babies who go to nurseries do far better than ok. Plus the stable emotional attachment is with the parents (and most baby rooms have one or two staff only anyway).
How unkind and ignorant.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:30

@MamaLlama123 what a horrible post
i think it's very normal for some mothers to want to actually care/ raise their own children and to not want to outsource this to institutions. I wouldn't want to use a nursery either

Vile and unkind. Mothers who work don't care for their children? Don't raise them? Utter, utter, vile and nasty nonsense.

I don't even know where to start with that attitude.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:33

Mimic24 · 28/01/2024 07:28

You could try a childminder instead as it’s the same price, and it’s a home setting, with less children, so it’s a lot quieter and they get a bond with one person and their needs met a bit more. Also they go out and about to lovely day trips and playgroups etc instead of the same four walls all day. Whatever you choose, you are doing your best and everything will be ok xx

Needs met a bit more?
The nursery DD went to somehow managed to meet all her needs. I suspect that's true of all of them.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:34

@Bakensmile I don't believe you remember that from being 1. It's not how memory works. And even if you're a marvel and can, how is it helpful to say it someone who has no choice and is already feeling guilty? How selfish.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:39

Oaktree55 · 28/01/2024 08:20

That’s why the whole thread is pointless. It’s akin to saying do I look fat in this and getting resounding no’s out of politeness especially by others who are overweight 😀

It's nothing like that. Nobody who says nursery will be fine (and in many cases actually beneficial) is doing it to be polite or not upset the OP. We are saying it from our own experience. You are suggesting nursery is bad and people are only saying it not so as not to hurt the OPs feelings.
Looked at in that way, your comment is the worst of the lot. Unkind and selfish.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:43

CalmAfterTheStorms · 28/01/2024 08:28

You can dress it up as much as you like but it's better in my opinion for both baby and Mum to be together at home in the early years. Nobody is going to care for a baby like Mum, plus l think it's a very stressful experience trying to work and parent at that age.
If l had the choice l would have preferred to be a SAHM. I worked part time, a few evenings so at least l had time in the day, and l wouldn't have swapped it for the world.
I know women who work in nurseries who say they would never put their own child in one.
I think it's a real shame that so many mum's feel they don't have a choice. I managed to live on a tight budget. Of course you will get parents saying their kids thrive in nursery, which they would also have done if they were at home. It suits the government to have both parents back at work full time, no one else.

You know nursery workers who wouldn't put their own child in one. DD went to a nursery created by women who wanted one to put their own children which has grown to be a huge business over the years.
Not everyone is able to (or even wants to) be a SAHM. I'd have been rubbish at it. You start with 'you can dress it up' as though you are about to give a fact people are hiding then give your opinion - which is just that. An opinion. It's not a fact and isn't true for every mother, child, nursery. It's just your opinion based on your experience. It's deeply unhelpful to the OP too.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 11:20

@Bewler you say this: Why do people always feel the need to reassure one person as to their choices by drawing a negative comparison with the alternative?
But quote a post which is slagging off mothers who go to work. We've been told we don't care, or raise, or children. That they will have attachment disorders and on and on.

cardibach · 31/01/2024 11:23

KarenNotAKaren · 28/01/2024 09:54

I’ve worked all through motherhood bar maternity leave but the shitty, nasty comments about SAHMs are totally uncalled for. What’s that about? Is it envy? Why else would you be so shitty about another woman’s choice?

How do you feel about the shorty comments about women going back to work and using nurseries?

Bewler · 31/01/2024 11:26

@cardibach i feel (maybe wrongly) that the SAHMs get the lion share of the bashing in threads like this and I’m sure you’ll have read horrible comments from both sides which is such a shame but typical of women (I doubt my husband has ever been party to a conversation along these lines in his life!). I personally have said nothing derogatory about nurseries but I hate to see the role of parents at home so massively undervalued and sneered at. That’s all. Good luck OP!

Laurentt86 · 31/01/2024 14:20

Mariposistaaa · 26/01/2024 10:40

OP you are going to be a parent for 18 years, and beyond. It is not all about the baby/toddler years. (Tbh it's not even the best part of parenting). Your child will grow up with a mum setting a great example, showing him that the world does not revolve around him and his needs, and that if he wants clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food on the table, this is done by working, not sitting around at home. He will see his mum as an equal partner as dad. and he will learn to value family time in the evenings and at weekends. Oh and he is less likely to be 'that kid' clinging to you howling on his first day in Reception. He will learn to share and be socialised.
Dust off that work suit (or whatever you wear to work). It will be fine!

Sitting around at home 😂😂 brilliant. That’s exactly what Sahm’s do of course…

As someone else said - you can absolutely feel guilty about leaving your not even one year old, I can’t imagine how hard it will be, you are their world, as it should be, and clingy children at the door aren’t a sign of being “loved too much” by a sahm - all kids progress/feel differently and react to different situations. No baby ever suffered from being loved too much. So do all your loving in the evenings, mornings and weekends and cherish that special time together. You obviously will have to do what you need to do and I hope it goes as smooth as possible for you x

Bakensmile · 31/01/2024 14:23

cardibach · 31/01/2024 10:34

@Bakensmile I don't believe you remember that from being 1. It's not how memory works. And even if you're a marvel and can, how is it helpful to say it someone who has no choice and is already feeling guilty? How selfish.

I wasn’t 1 when I went to nursery but ok…

Lorralorr · 01/02/2024 08:23

2mummies1baby · 30/01/2024 07:19

A lot of people on this thread seem to be assuming that SAHPs will spend the rest of their lives as SAHPs, which seems a very strange assumption to make. All the SAHPs/previous SAHPs I know are taking/took a career break to be at home with their pre-school-aged children, but then are planning to go/went back to work. Not saying there aren't any people who have never gone back to work since having children, but they're not the majority.

I think it’s very hard to go back to a career after being a sahp. Many go back to work - part time / admin stuff where not much is asked, but a career is harder. From people I know, being a sahp really knocks your confidence, dates your skills and puts employers off. Harsh but unfortunately often true. I suppose also sahps are a bit of a self selecting group in that they they were happy to give up work for a period so are probably less likely to want to throw themselves back into it - which is fine. I think going part time for a bit is better than full time sahp if you do want to go back to a career.

Lorralorr · 01/02/2024 08:24

Juneday · 29/01/2024 23:17

I think it will feel different for every parent BUT it will feel similar for most children. Children don’t fully feel that they are an independent being until 18 months and even then need the security of a small group of familiar trustworthy and regular care givers. The issue with nursery care is that the caregivers change, with different age groups and changes of staff. The child’s bond gets formed then broken again and again. By the time they are school age maybe 5 adults have broken that bond so they need the security of enough waking hours with adults that are always present. Not just an hour before and after drop off. This makes the time with parents precious and often demanding and can have knock on effects on the parents relationship. I knew a lovely mum and daughter where the mum had an enjoyable and well paid job, and a great nanny for two children who was with them until the daughter turned 4, She then went to a great nursery before school but was unsettled and ill a lot. The nursery asked parents permission to try and work out the cause through chat and drawings. Of course she was in mourning and bereft because her main caregiver had left her and she thought she was to blame, her heart was broken. Her closest relationship was her nanny who had abandoned her. When a young child feels this and can’t explain it and it happens more than once they build up an idea of the world that loving relationships are not for life and that they don’t deserve lasting love. And we keep blaming social media for mental health issues. …. I don’t want to say women should give up careers for years, but parents need to find a way to create tight and loving bonds, not just a couple of hours a day. This will help when the teenage years hit…. A parent needs to be available at least for a while every evening. Some children are born more resilient than others. But don’t mistake outward confidence and attention seeking with inner resilience. I have seen friends still battling with 20 somethings with mental health issues, it’s a tough world for young people and those whom I have observed with most problems appear to come from families where both parents rushed back to work. Yes they have lovely houses, skiing holidays, drama, music, sport etc. every opportunity. But bulimia, anxiety, drugs etc. Too. I think children of all ages have a tougher time and more challenges than previous generations, & being home full time for them isn’t a cure but being at work for majority of a child’s waking hours exacerbates feelings of anxiety. Stephen Biddulph has written lots on how to have Happy Children, whilst first stating it is impossible to have Happy Children all of the time, we aren’t happy all of the time ourselves and shouldn’t expect it. But in choosing to have children we have some obligations to their mental well being. Why is working setting a good example. Your employer can sack you at the drop of a hat, you may not get in with all colleagues, you may not like your job - setting a good example us kindness and respect for others, manners, and giving up your time for loved ones.

Love your last line about kindness to others juneday, when your whole post was designed to make OP feel as bad as possible about herself.

fortunately most of what you said is a load of utter balls.

2mummies1baby · 01/02/2024 09:12

Lorralorr · 01/02/2024 08:23

I think it’s very hard to go back to a career after being a sahp. Many go back to work - part time / admin stuff where not much is asked, but a career is harder. From people I know, being a sahp really knocks your confidence, dates your skills and puts employers off. Harsh but unfortunately often true. I suppose also sahps are a bit of a self selecting group in that they they were happy to give up work for a period so are probably less likely to want to throw themselves back into it - which is fine. I think going part time for a bit is better than full time sahp if you do want to go back to a career.

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I know a lot of teachers who have done it (I am also a teacher). Personally, I love my job and can't wait to get back to it when my daughter starts pre-school in 2 years. Taking a career break had nothing to do with me not enjoying working.

GirlsAndPenguins · 02/02/2024 06:47

2mummies1baby · 01/02/2024 09:12

I know a lot of teachers who have done it (I am also a teacher). Personally, I love my job and can't wait to get back to it when my daughter starts pre-school in 2 years. Taking a career break had nothing to do with me not enjoying working.

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This is interesting. I’m also a teacher and I don’t know any who have taken a career break. I’ve been teaching in busy high schools for nearly 11 years and never known anyone to take a career break. I didn’t. Mainly to be honest because I dropped to 3 days which seems mostly a good balance. Love my 4 day weekends! Also it maximises my use of tax free childcare etc. basically if I went full time I’d be earning very little more than I am now.
Have you got a deal in place to go back to your old school? Are you at an earlier stage of your career? Just interested in how it will work. So for me I’m part-time and on UPS. I know that I would struggle to get that deal in a new job as a lot only advertise up to m6. I’ve also known people not be selected for interview because they had been a SAHP for the best part of a decade and the HOD decided their skills would be too outdated. I guess in their case they had had a few children back to back.
Maybe it more common in different areas. This month I’ve had constantly sick children so trying to work has been stressful. I genuinely wish I could have been a SAMP at this moment at least.
BTW I’m genuinely not criticising you, it sounds great. I’m just interested in the logistics.

2mummies1baby · 02/02/2024 07:22

GirlsAndPenguins · 02/02/2024 06:47

This is interesting. I’m also a teacher and I don’t know any who have taken a career break. I’ve been teaching in busy high schools for nearly 11 years and never known anyone to take a career break. I didn’t. Mainly to be honest because I dropped to 3 days which seems mostly a good balance. Love my 4 day weekends! Also it maximises my use of tax free childcare etc. basically if I went full time I’d be earning very little more than I am now.
Have you got a deal in place to go back to your old school? Are you at an earlier stage of your career? Just interested in how it will work. So for me I’m part-time and on UPS. I know that I would struggle to get that deal in a new job as a lot only advertise up to m6. I’ve also known people not be selected for interview because they had been a SAHP for the best part of a decade and the HOD decided their skills would be too outdated. I guess in their case they had had a few children back to back.
Maybe it more common in different areas. This month I’ve had constantly sick children so trying to work has been stressful. I genuinely wish I could have been a SAMP at this moment at least.
BTW I’m genuinely not criticising you, it sounds great. I’m just interested in the logistics.

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Hi, I've been a teacher for 10 years, been off for just over 1 year so far. I was also on UPS, but I'd expect to go back on M6 and have to re-earn UPS.

I don't have a deal to go back to my old school, although the head did tell me to contact her when I'm ready to come back to work and she's sure they could sort something. I live in a densely populated area, so there are a lot of primary schools, and I'm lucky in that I have a maths degree, which makes me a very attractive prospect, as primary school teachers with maths degrees are incredibly rare! So I'm not too worried about being able to find a job when I'm ready for one.

I've also decided to only have one child, so my career break would only be 3 or 4 years.

Suka84 · 02/02/2024 21:07

Holy crap, this thread has really pissed me off. There are a huge amount of dickheads in the world...don't be one!!

Zone2NorthLondon · 23/03/2024 23:01

My dc are in FT nursery 5 day p/w since 6mth old. they are happy and thriving.I'm guilt free.

pineapplesundae · 24/03/2024 02:16

Kids love daycare! It’s fun for them and they learn a lot!