To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

You’re not alone in feeling like this. I felt the same when I sent my now 6 year old to nursery at 8 months. But it did him the world of good. He loved being around lots of kids to play with & the nursery staff were absolutely brilliant with him.

I would have liked to hold off going back to work until my DS started school but you’ve got to do what makes financial sense for your family. There are many in the same position so you’re not alone. And it’ll do you some good aswell as it’s nice to have a part of yourself that isn’t just a mum etc. It’s good to be able to socialise with adults I love my commute on the train cos I get a nice 40 mins peace to myself to read or watch my shows on my phone.

OP, you are setting a good example for your son. And it will ultimately benefit him more than if you have up your career and your financial independence as many women do and then live to tell the tale on this very forum. Don’t feel guilty.

Don't feel guilty, you are setting your son such a good example that you need to work to earn things and that mothers can be mothers and have a job.

He'll have a wonderful time at nursery.

You will be doing what millions of others do every day. Don't waste any of your precious time feeling any guilt, your baby will learn valuable social skills in childcare and will most likely thrive. Don't worry, all will be well ☺️❤️

My DC had loads of fun and really enjoyed nursery and made friends and did all the messy arty crafty stuff

DD started going at 6 months and made a friend the day she started with another baby her age

They laughed and giggled all day long together and became firm friends whilst learning to walk and talk

DS was in the room next door for the older DC and was there with his best friend from age 1

In my country I am only entitled to 4 or 5 months of meternity leave, so my daughter will be going to nursery at 5 months old.

I have no guilt about it... it is what it is. I am single, so its not even the case of needing a second income... My income is the ONLY income.
Maybe Ill win the Euromillions, and wont have to go back to work! That would be ideal!

My mom works full time, my dad and stepdad cannot take care of a child, so I dont really have anyone that can help meaningfully with child care.
The only good thing is that nursery is free!

Just provide the security of consistency. Once they know that you or dad are going to pick them up in a consistent pattern, it becomes their normal. If you can get grandparents to do it once in a while, either with you, or on their own (don't forget the car seat), they will not be upset if something happens and you need them to step in, and the nursery will know them too.

Can you use a childminder? Best for babies especially for a long week as it's home based and one person who can form a strong reliable attachment, which is what they need at that age, and that can be reassuring for a parent too.
Do trust your gut with them though....there are some amazing ones and some not very good ones.
Ours is incredible- our daughter went in happily at 10mths and has loved it since.It is like leaving her with a family member really, as the childminder loves her so much and is so passionate about going above and beyond to care for her mindees and meet their needs.

That said, in a good nursery, some babies do okay too, and yours isn't too teeny on the scale of things, but I think it just depends on how they can cope in a busier environment, how flexible the staff are and how consistent they are with the whole keyperson system.

Whatever happens, just make sure they don't force you to rush the settling in process (which often happens) start it early and ideally build it up gradually (maybe with your KIT days if you have them) over time, as if a child is pushed too hard too soon with it and gets put off a setting, it's really hard to come back from that.And it will feel much easier for you too if you know your child is happily settled before you are back at work full time.We did this and it worked really well.

That's three then as I found your post offensive to SAHMs too, and full of tired, sexist stereotypes.
A woman must work as much as a man to be an equal, ha! And they just sit around at home. I assume nursery workers just do that then, sit around.

Mine started at 6 and 8 months. In-laws wanted to help. They live an hour away and thought children could just live with them for part of the week. We ended up just using nurseries. Best decision. It means if we do need childcare when the children are ill or we have an outing planned I don’t feel guilty for asking. Grandparents can still go on all their holidays without worrying about us. Also recently when they have had to look after the children for 2 days when they were ill it wiped them out. I don’t think they could have handled it on a regular basis.

@Bumpitybumper you are not the only one. I had to read that post again to see what posters thought was so amazing. Sorry but that post was so passive aggressive towards SAHM's. I'm one and I didn't know that my dc will view me as not being an equal partner. And WTF about clinging and crying on their first day of reception?? How is that not judgy?

I remember the guilt and honestly it's completely unfounded. My son went to nursery full time from 9 months. I felt like I was grieving leaving him it was awful. But he's 18 now and about to go off travelling and absolutely fine. He doesn't remember nursery and I can look back and see he was safe and well cared for which really is the main thing. I also know that as a single parent working full time and being focused on my career was the best thing for our family.

Love this 💐

@ChamomileHoneyTea You’re not alone.
I’m in the same boat. You’re doing the best you can for your kid. It’s going to be ok. 💐

Nursery can be a great opportunity for children. My DC loves it - they get to spend time with other children the same age, while learning and participating in activities facilitated by professionals in early years development. There are things they get to do at nursery that we would not be able to do as well at home, as it's a very different setting.

There are advantages and disadvantages to all the options available to us for parenting/childcare. And we tend to focus on the disadvantages of what we individually do, and on the advantages of what other people seem to be doing.

If going back to work full-time is the best/necessary choice for your family then feel confident in your decision and allow yourself to enjoy the good things about it.

Yeah this does seem abit anti-SAHM.
I was a SAHM with my 1st daughter for the first 3 years.She likes lots of closeness, but has adjusted fine into 2 different nurseries and school with no separation anxiety whatsoever, and has always been happy to go to other people's houses for playdates, have babysitters etc.

Alot of separation anxiety is caused by personality traits/insecure attachments or independence being forced on kids too soon.There are plenty of other ways to socialise kids for SAHM mums too.

@Twolittleloves how is that helping the OP? Honestly, I find some of the posts here so selfish. I wish people would stop derailing the chat in an effort to be offended.

Oh hun.
I feel this on a monumental level.
My partner and I had to work from the end of my maternity leave too.
My DS L absolutely LOVED nursery, I still see some of the staff around my parents village, they still recognise him now!
I worked in hospitality and my partner worked days in retail. We barely spent any time as a family until I finally got a better job.
My one insight is this…
Our son is happy, healthy and understands the value of hard work. He has zero entitlement and (sometimes begrudgingly… he is nearly 13 after all) is super helpful around the household.
Try to let go of the guilt, I know it’s hard but you’re doing the best you can!

I don’t see ANYTHING anti SAHM in this response.
Just saying.

I have no issues with parents working FT, I’ve done it and felt the guilt. It wasn’t for me. But to refer to a child upset to leave their mum as ‘that child’ is disgusting and ableist. Come on, are we really judging a kid who is four and doesn’t want to leave? It’s got nothing to do with whether you’re a SAHM or not. Stop being so stupid.

I can totally relate to this post. Also had the privilege of my mum being a SAHM and just couldn't bear the thought of going back to work and leaving my dd. I did drop to 4 days at work. Took quite a hit financially but it was important to me to get at least a little extra quality time. I was lucky that my mum never returned to work so she had DD the other 4 days until she was old enough to qualify for the 30 free hours. A big undertaking for a grandparent - I know how fortunate I am and it's not for every grandparent! Anyway , the point of my reply is that I do think DD would have benefitted from nursery earlier. While she has learnt so much from having the 1:1 time with my mum and is way beyond her peers academically, when she started nursery the other kids were miles ahead of her socially. In fact this is still the case even though she is making progress. What I'm trying to say is that although we see daycare as this scary thing for our children because we didn't do it ourselves, the majority of children back then didn't do daycare and were on a level playing field socially when they started nursery/ school at 4/5 yrs old. Now, most kids are socialising in day care from being tiny and I think you can really tell the difference with the ones that haven't. If you can try to look at it from this perspective, hopefully you can find some comfort in the fact that it will be a great place for your little one to be.

It feels rubbish OP. I've been there and I know.

From my perspective, my DC thrived at nursery. I started them at 10.5mths while I was still on mat leave so I could ease them in gently. That way it didn't go from full time at home to full time at nursery in a matter of days. It was around 6 weeks.

I used accrued annual leave to work shorter days for quite a few months after I returned back to work. I was able to pick DC up around 3.30pm. that definitely helped as in the summer I was still able to do something with them after nursery (walk round the park, play at home, or even just go to a shop).

But overall DC was always really happy to go in. They were assigned a key worker who was lovely. They were able to explore so much more freely. Interact with others. Explore outdoors. Everything in nursery is basically 'safe' - not like our homes where we're constantly stopping them doing things that can hurt them (stairs, kitchen cupboards, wires etc etc). So at nursery I genuinely think the freedom was a huge thing.

I actually reached a point towards the end of my mat leave where I realised my DC needed more than me. Some Mum's take to motherhood with ease - but I didn't really. I found it monotonous and stressful and I just didn't know what to do with DC everyday. This part did come later, basically once the crawling started. Before then I didn't feel that way I would cry buckets knowing I was having to leave them. But something around the mobility change circa 9mths made me feel differently and it felt easier to transition back to work. I found ways to navigate it that first year, but DC genuinely thrived.

Also for eldest or only children, I think having them spend large amounts of time around other kids is really beneficial. It's something most 2nd and 3rd kids get by default. My personal view is that kids learn best from other kids. My DC was quite nervous to do things e.g would cry on a swing or a baby slide but after starting nursery a really new brave side came out, as they'd spent time watching other similar aged and older kids do it.

There's a lot of benefit to nursery I guess is what I'm saying xx

What is there to feel guilty about really?! Children have so many opportunities and experiences in nursery that they would not have at home or with grandparents in all areas of their skills development. You continue to have fulfilment of working and achieving things for yourself. And you provide an example to your child around work that will set them up for life - children of working mothers are more successful in their own working life.

I feel for you, returning to work is hard. Harder than people think, there’s a lot of emotions going on, guilt being one of them. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel separation anxiety from your child when they start nursery and you’re no longer with them 24/7. It DOES get easier, I promise. After a few weeks of your new routine you and your baby will feel settled and I’m my experience the guilt does fade once you see how much they enjoy nursery and you get some of your independence back. You got this mama!
We too don’t have grandparents that could help with childcare. Every circumstance is different but my husband and I decided to both cut our hours to 34 hours a week over 4 days instead of 5 so we each have a day with our daughter and only have to pay for 3 days of nursery. We are worse off financially overall but we have tightened the purse strings and managed to make it work, just food for thought. Good luck x

They don't have to help you chose to have a baby not your inlaws