To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

“What they will remember when they are older is the house they lived in, the opportunities you gave them, the holidays you took them on etc. It is when they are older that they truly need mum or dad to meet there emotional needs and are in school full time at this point anyway.”

I would personally disagree with this and think it’s quite sad! I value time spent with my parents and the simple day to day things over holidays and living in a big house (which I had and am incredibly thankful for but feel sad I don’t have many memories of my parents in my early years!). Would never tell my parents of course, they’re amazing and did their very best. But the reason I chose to be a SAHM is because I certainly do remember being left in nursery with loads of other kids and barely getting a look in, let alone my emotional needs met (please look at the research with regards to attachment and needs that babies/toddlers need for healthy development).

Fascinating psychology on these threads. Those that use childcare from an early age will naturally champion the virtues relaying positive stories. Those that are able to stay at home naturally do the same. The truth is there are pros and cons to each. Why people publicly display confirmation bias on an internet form is v amusing.

My response wasn’t directed at the OP, there are multiple individuals sharing their opinions and if I agree/disagree I will post (that’s normally how these things work!)

A couple things here:

First don’t feel guilty millions of children in nursery and it can have a positive effect/impact on development.

Secondly, (you’ve probably done this already) are you actually “better off” working full time with the nursery fees or with a reduced nursery fee bill working say 3days? 2 staff have returned to my work on 3days a week as after nursery fees the difference was negligible.

Thirdly, what was your plan before baby was born? Did you always plan on going back full time?

My son loves nursery and I think it is positive that he has made bonds for other adults.

Could you or you husband do a 9 day fortnight? Still full time but one day off with your son. Could you drop a day a week?

I don't think there's any issue with a debate. People just need to know their audience, I just can't see why other posters are finding it appropriate to say how great being a SAHP is when the OP is already feeling shit about not being able to be one. If the thread title was 'shall I be a SAHP over going back to work' then fair enough.

Oh please why do women thrive on guilt? You have to work does the dad feel dad guilt.cliches

I would do everything where possible mid week, shopping delivered, Inc even a cleaner for a few hours for a few years so come Friday night the weekend was for my child - a full two days.

I wouldn’t be visiting in laws or family or doing housework etc but devoting two solid days of real quality time with ds. I would not compromise on that time in any shape or form. I think that way you really will feel you are able to enjoy his childhood if you are very boundaried around ‘his’ time which is Friday through to Sunday night.

If you can wfh for a day or two that would make it much easier. Or do compressed hours?

Another option would be to find an excellent childminder. They are worth their weight in gold and will provide a home from
home experience with the added element of supporting their early years education in a small setting. As a teacher, that was my top choice for both of mine and then added a day or two later into preschool to give them a larger setting experience too.

Nursery is a necessity for many families. Obviously many families do cut hours down at work, but this isn't always possible.

Mum guilt won't stop here, I feel guilty about things and mine are grown!

For context, remember some parents not only need to put their children in nursery, but also work away. I will be having my grandchildren at some point to live as dc is military and once dc turn 5 are likely to be deployed overseas again. It's the reality of life and their normal.

Easier said than done but try to see a different POV. A good nursery will do wonders for your child's social skills and development. Their days are structured to learn, play and have fun. A lot more than a SAHM could provide (or at least more than I could provide). My child started nursery just before one and honestly it's been a godsend for me and the child. I get to have a break and I'm a better mum for it. They have learnt a lot, are more confident and social.

My son and daughter both started nursery at 9/10 months. They absolutely love it now and have a big smile in the morning.

My baby is 5 weeks old and will also start nursery around the same age as the other 2.

My mother doesn't live close, but even if she did, I would only ask her to babysit occasionally and would still send them to nursery.

She's 63, has knee replacement surgery in March and generally not good nerves.

She is feeling guilty. She doesn't need to be made to feel worse when I presume she has no choice but to work.

OP I have 2 friends who were always SAHMs and their sons have grown up as entitled little so and sos who think that housework is a woman’s job and that women are there to serve them. Before I get jumped on I know that not all children of SAHMs are like that! I’m sure your son will grow up with a better attitude though.

Your son will have an amazing time at nursery, he’ll have lots of little friends, he’ll learn to share and communicate well and interact with others. And nursery can do the boring stuff with him to save you a job, so you can do the fun stuff.

Tip - as hard as it might seem - try to do the chores after he’s gone to bed, and leave the weekends free for fun.

I know the guilt is real though! But men don’t seem to suffer from it???

That’s why the whole thread is pointless. It’s akin to saying do I look fat in this and getting resounding no’s out of politeness especially by others who are overweight 😀

Amazing response!!! SAHM’s are sensitive to criticism and I can understand why. Some people question how a SAHM can parent a daughter and expect them to aspire to be the best they can be and have aspirations to make an impact on the world when their primary female role model is, well, “staying at home”. Not saying I’m one of them. But I can see how both sides have their views. I guess everyone should just make their own choice and make the most of it. Of course, some people don’t have a true choice - parenting is tough and we all do the best we can.

Try to let go of the guilt. Times have changed and I think most children go to nursery or childminders at least part time.

Instead of focusing on the guilt, focus on finding the best nursery you can. In the right setting your little one will thrive. Nursery staff really are experts and the children do so many activities and socialise in ways that wouldn’t be achievable at home or with grandparents. It’s fantastic for their development.

Probably because a PP suggested SAHPs sit around all day, have ‘that child’ at reception, are less of a good influence on their kids, and aren’t equal parents. It always happens on these posts, which is a shame for the OP - and any SAHPs who might be reading.

You can dress it up as much as you like but it's better in my opinion for both baby and Mum to be together at home in the early years. Nobody is going to care for a baby like Mum, plus l think it's a very stressful experience trying to work and parent at that age.
If l had the choice l would have preferred to be a SAHM. I worked part time, a few evenings so at least l had time in the day, and l wouldn't have swapped it for the world.
I know women who work in nurseries who say they would never put their own child in one.
I think it's a real shame that so many mum's feel they don't have a choice. I managed to live on a tight budget. Of course you will get parents saying their kids thrive in nursery, which they would also have done if they were at home. It suits the government to have both parents back at work full time, no one else.

Having grandchildren is also a blessing and choosing not to spend time with them is sad, especially if they are fit and well.

OP this is one of those things that parents of young DC get worked up and guilty over, like BF/FF, vaginal birth/cesarean, purée/finger foods etc. but in the long term none of it really make a difference. All we can do as parents is do what is best for our families, as long as your DC is fed and cared for then that is all that matters.

No

Lots of parents genuinely do not have a choice and need the two incomes to live.

Most babies settle into their new routine quickly and once they get to know the staff and feel comfortable with them they are happy and content. They also make close friends even from babies which can follow them into school. We have three boys now in Y1 at school who made friends in baby room and still come to after school club and they are still close friends.

The only thing I would say is if children are full time and in most days then factor in breaks for them if they are all year. As you would for yourself. Nursery is busy and the days can be long and you can see some children getting exhausted and needing so time away. Sometimes parents will keep them in nursery while they take holiday but the child needs a break too.