To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

I don’t think you should feel guilty. I assume you have looked at all options of reducing outgoings/reducing hours and if you want a career to go back too. Both my kids were in nursery/childminder from age 1. I was back part time with my first and full time with my second. They both had a great time. My first is still best friends with one of the girls she met at nursery ( they are now 15, in different schools but do dance together) my son (12) will talk to anyone and easily makes friends. I think it can be good for them. I made sure we had quality time at weekends and as they get older you get more evening time. I think I have a strong relationship with both kids so me working hasn’t affected that. I did miss some of the baby groups with the second child but that probably would have happened anyway

Oh FFS this thread is awful.

So many people making snide digs at other parents choices.

If you can afford to be a SAHM then that's great. Not everyone can and it's bloody narrow minded to assume it.

If you need or want to use nursery that's also great.

Both have pros and cons.

We went with nursery, we couldn't afford to live on one wage and my husband and I had worked hard to get our careers so neither wanted to sacrifice. The nursery was good, they helped to identify some difficulties one of my children had and made early referrals etc. We benefited from that. There'd have been benefits if they'd stayed at home.

I have been a SAHM, I've worked, and I've also worked P/T. The latter is the best option as you get to work, bring home a bit of money, still get to do some hobbies and get loads of time with your DC.

OP, if you can, see if you can have a flexible working arrangement where you get to WFH or drop a day so you have more time with your DC.

One thing I have never regretted is the time I spent with my DC when they were small. I've been told a number of times that I was very lucky to enjoy my children. I did and I am very grateful for that. Now older, my DC are very successful at school, have great GCSEs, A levels, friends, are polite and well mannered, have a great work ethic and I think I had a lot to do with that.

So, comments like this;

children of working mothers are more successful in their own working life

...is the biggest load of crap I've read on here in a long time.

Didn’t take long for the ‘raise your own children’ bingo to come out. We all raise our own children

Honestly OP I think it's a natural feeling especially with your first it's the unknown and fear of it.

Many mothers have been in exactly the same position and feeling.
With my first I had pangs of guilt, tbh they very quickly went away once I realised exactly how much DS1 did in a day! Honestly I couldn't replicate that at home and when lockdown hit we saw a big change in him from not being at nursery for 4 months (Scotlands lockdowns were longer) despite being 14 months when it started.

Your not abandoning your child though and he's definitely not worse off. For us being in childcare is a good thing and also means we make the most of family time. We eat together pretty much every dinner, spend weekends together etc.

OP it's ok not to be happy about returning to work. Just because some people are happy about this situation (or any other situation) that doesn't mean that you have to be happy too. People are allowed to feel differently about the same thing without it being a judgement on others.

OP, I know it's really hard, but as others have said, the guilt is a wasted emotion in this situation. Unfortunately, nowadays, few of us have a choice over these things. Your little one with be absolutely fine, and you will almost certainly find joy in your new pattern as it begins to establish.

fWIW, I stayed at home with mine when they were little. My eldest is now 11, he was never clingy, has done amazing things at school and very much sees my role as equal to his fathers - because we have always presented it as such, and my husband has consistently treated me as an equal, regularly pointing out I do an important job in supporting our family and his career. I have never stay at home all day either. But equally, my younger child is clingy. Similarly, though, I have friends who worked from the time their children were 9/10 month, and they are also a real mix who view their parents in all sorts of ways. It's a bit little the breast-feeding v bottle feeding debate. We all get so caught up in the science, but ultimately, if the parenting is good, and children adapt to whatever the situation they are in, they tend to flourish.

Haha I am happy to admit I am one of them!

It’s hard @ChamomileHoneyTea but my DS has got so much out of nursery. I had him I. Lockdown so I was so grateful for the extra human interaction too.

try to look on it as an opportunity for them.

Just to bring you a bit of balance OP.

How your DC turns out depends a lot on the parenting, irrespective of their work situation.

Some of the worst parenting I’ve seen is from SAHM’s I know. I know a few who think they’ve done a great job, but their DC have done very poorly at school, are rude and spoilt. I also know a few working mums who I think are cold as ice with their DC. It’s more about your parents personality than what they do all day.

And OP has had plenty of support from both working mums and SAHM’s, as she should.

You do know other parents read threads? There are plenty of SAHM’s reading this thread with multiple posts bashing them, should they be made to feel bad?

I skim read a few posts underneath your one and saw one poster saying how her SAHM friends children have turned out to be absolute brats and another poster saying how ‘some’ people would question how a SAHM can possibly be a good role model for daughters!

I am not bashing working mothers, my own DM whom I have a fantastic relationship with was one, but for the SAHM’s reading this or others who are weighing out their choices I am simply sharing my personal experience. I attended a good nursery and the staff were nice, but I hated being away from my mum and you simply can’t meet a babies/toddlers needs when the ratio of staff to children is something like 1:5.

Is it guilt or sadness?

Feeling guilty is pointless. If you don’t want to stay home FT/PT time, or you absolutely can’t afford to, then don’t feel guilty.

If you feel sad because you really want to be home longer with him, then listen to that. I know I couldn’t have gone back full-time. It would have killed me. I wanted to be home with my kids (and had always imagined that for myself). It wasn’t guilt that made me want to stay home.

If it is sadness you’re feeling , and there is any possibility you could reduce your hours or work flexibility, I’d jump at the opportunity. They’re only little once.

If you can’t, then grieve that, but don’t feel guilt. It’s not your fault we live in a time where it is very difficult to earn enough to just stay afloat. Your little one will be fine.

I have two DS. When DS1 was born I was working full time as the breadwinner whilst my husband was retraining. My son had to go to nursery 8am-6pm Mon-Fri from the age of 6 months. I felt terrible, he loved it. He was well cared for and, I got the impression, loved by the nursery staff. He was also streets ahead when it came st starting school. He’s now almost a teenager and is the most well-adjusted, tolerant, content chap who is resilient and thoughtful (I may be biased here).

By the time DS2 was born I was in a position to take a career break and spent 3 years at home with him. He’s a very different character to his brother, but settled into playgroup, nursery and school quite happily with no issues around friendships, attachment or anxiety. The difference in early year’s experience doesn’t seem to have influenced anything.

The thing is, neither child thought their life was any different to anyone else’s. The key for me was finding the best childcare that I could, so that I felt confident that I was doing the best for them under the circumstances. Trust me, it will be harder for you than them.

Oh god bore off. Now I’m being a terrible role model, as well as ending up with ‘that child’ in reception? This thread is so insulting.

I never said I was one of those people. I said I can see both side. You, however, are quite rude and irrational in your response. So on that basis alone, I guess you may well be a terrible role model…

You sound do sensitive about it. That’s not how I read it. Go start a thread about being offended then. Stop derailing this one - its to help the OP.

Well a lot of us are failing in that case lovely. The guilt is real. I had to return when my eldest was 10.5 months and will be doing the same with my second very soon. So be glad you have managed until they are 1. He will be fine at nursery, it will become home from home and he will learn lots. Perhaps you could cut your days down temporarily to 4 days just for a few months to ease you back in and him?

And you’re judgemental, so I guess you’re not the perfect role model either. Implying women who stay at home while their children are young are poor female role models isn’t ‘both sides’ it’s your opinion and an awful one at that. Do we think this of men too? Are men who don’t stay home bad role models? How will their sons learn to be good husbands and fathers?

Luckily you're not the MN police and your attempt to belittle what I'm saying and putting it down to 'sensitivity' won't work.

Feel free to start your own thread on how your upset about people derailing threads as you seem very sensitive about this....

OP it is so hard. Mum guilt prevails no matter what you do I think! Would you and/or DH have the option to compress your hours at all? Even if you both compressed to 4.5 days you could then put little DC in nursery for 4 instead of 5 days.

It’s worth both of you looking into this. Too often it comes down to the mother to reduce or compress to make it work but workplaces need to consider flexible working requests from both mums and dads.

What would you have to change in your life so that you could stay at home with your baby?

A lot of people use nurseries. A lot of people don't.

Not sure what is selfish about my post?

I'm not trying to tell the OP she has to be a SAHM (see my other post upthread)

I just think the post saying kids who don't go into childcare and have a SAHM are somehow going to be clingy and unable to separate is inaccurate.

Good for you. OP has said though she has to go back to work FT in order to survive. How is your advice helpful to her?

It's all well and good if you've got a choice.

This! Why do people always feel the need to reassure one person as to their choices by drawing a negative comparison with the alternative? SAHP work their absolute arses off and set just as good an example as to work ethics, commitment and drive.
We all feel guilty about our choices at times but the way to make peace with that is not to belittle those who have chosen a different path.

Just grow up. Wouldn’t like to be a mum asking you for help. Your selfishness shown here is astounding.