To have mum guilt over childcare situation

[ChamomileHoneyTea]

DP and I both work full time so I will have to leave DS in nursery when my maternity leave is over (when he turns one).

I know most parents rely on childcare these days but I just feel so guilty! Growing up my mum didn’t work when we were kids because they could live off one salary. My auntie had to go out to work but left my cousins with my grandma because she didn’t work.

Fast forward to now and I can’t afford to not work because we need my salary to survive. My parents are both still working full time so they can’t help. DP’s parents are retired but don’t want to help out.

Just feeling so down and guilty as if I’m abandoning my DS :( can’t help but think my DS is worse off than me at his age and me & DP are failing him :(

What a werid response. SAHP aren't just "sitting around at home" maybe if you didn't outsource your childcare you might realise this! 😉 also they arent inferior to men (... and by the way you do realise men can be SAHP too?). Mine was actually better at sharing and caring than any of the other kids when he did start nursery and much more social too. There's really no need to put others down to justify your own decisions.

Mine are 12 & 9 now and it does get easier with childcare, I’m a single parent and my job is a lot more flexible now but mum guilt never stops, sometimes I have to miss things due to work and feel guilty and will try and send my sister in law where possible as she works shifts.
I still work during the holidays and they go off to camp all day or sometimes a day with family but they all work too.

however when mine were younger I did 6pm-00.00, I’ve also done whole night shifts 6pm-6am, to not only save on childcare but so I could be around for the kids more but then you don’t see your partner so you have to find a balance.

You just have to make the most of the time you spend together, as the baby gets older they will be having fun and making lots of friends.

I get that everyone enjoys deciding these kind of threads are actually about them, but maybe we can avoid descending into the usual fight on a thread started by a woman already feeling guilt and societal pressure about using childcare. If people want to subject themselves to a SAHM/WOHM pile-on, there are lots of spaces to do it in which won’t result in OP inevitably having to read views that she’s outsourcing raising her children or whatever.

OP, I completely understand your feelings. I personally have no desire whatsoever to be a SAHM, but my mum was one growing up and I had trouble conceptualising what childcare would actually look like for my daughter and whether she’d be as happy as I was growing up. We’re in London and both sets of grandparents aren’t even in England, so that wasn’t an option either. She’s been going to daycare for a month, and she’s taken to it really well! My husband and I both have professional jobs that are flexible around start/finish time, so maybe I would feel differently if I had no choice but to leave her there for 12 hours at a time, but that’s not my reality.

You’re not unreasonable to feel guilty - society continues to give mums huge amounts of shit for working (and you’ll probably get huge amounts of different shit if you do stay at home), and your reactions to that aren’t unreasonable or on you. But so much of it is just noise. Two equally happy childhoods don’t have to look exactly the same, and you are in no way abandoning your child, whatever you end up doing.

I hope you have a really supportive childcare that will include you in the daily routines with photos ans stories.
It really helps and be sure many Mums hover around and do not want to leave in the first few weeks, many months.
It is what some parents have to do.
Your child will become used to it as daily life woth an 'extended family'.
Our teachers were wonderful which helped alot.

I actually think they were referring back to her own cousins’ childcare from grandparents.

OP feels crap about going back to work as it is, feel your comment was completely unnecessary

I don't agree with a lot of posts on this thread.

i think it's very normal for some mothers to want to actually care/ raise their own children and to not want to outsource this to institutions. I wouldn't want to use a nursery either

I also don't have family help due to family all working and cannot afford to be SAHM. Personally I made the decision to work evenings/ weekends as a compromise- working in care (you don't need to be hugely qualified for this). My partner then cares for our children whilst i work. The benefit of this is that children are still being cared for in their own home by primary caregiver. I would prefer to not work and be SAHM however this isn't an option

If working evenings/ weekends wasn't an option for me e.g. unsupportive partner/ single mother - I would use nursery/ childminder/ nanny however this would not be my ideal. I don't think long hours in institutions is ideal for small children

I’m back full time, DS is in Nursery 3 days a week and he goes to grandparents for the other two.

it’s hard, you’re already worrying about going back to work, you’re worrying about leaving your baby - it’s a huge transition. I promise once it begins and you find your routine (and it may take a week or two, it might only take a few days) life does get easier, the guilt surpasses somewhat and you value and treasure your weekends.

if I’m honest & if we could afford to, I’d put him in nursery for 5 days - he learns and develops so much whilst he is there, he is obedient, he eats well, he’s developing his social interactions. He runs in, he wants to take me in and show me his friends & toys when I pick him up.

not that grandparents don’t do the above but they want to have him for the other two days, it helps financially & keeps everyone happy.

you’ll find your groove & it’ll be okay , but for now, treasure every single second with your baby - even those times when you need to shower and they just won’t nap!🙈

My brother once said to me, they won't know any different, it'll be the normal to them. It'll be ok.
Mum guilt is horrible but I think as time goes on you hopefully learn to be a bit more kinder on yourself.

i think it's very normal for some mothers to want to actually care/ raise their own children

Parents who use childcare also raise their own children.

My mum worked full time so I don’t have that mum guilt. I also work full time. Many people do.

I had it and I went back FT at five months as maternity wasn’t as good 30 years ago. Two happy, healthy, well adjusted adult DC in professional jobs and nice partners with only vague but fond memories of nursery. Great relationship with both.

it will be fine I promise x

I definitely would not worry about it while they are at nursery. Our DC loves his time there and I believe has benefitted greatly from the experience compared with others who have never been.

The bigger issue starts when they reach school. The days are shorter and the holidays are frequent.

Without GP support it’s really tough. We have nobody other than DH and I to do childcare. I really have no idea what we’re going to do during the holidays.

It wasn't exactly much of an effort to be offended. Read through the post itself in question again and you will see that almost every anti-SAHM stereotype is referenced. It suggests SAHMs are unequal partners, sit around all day and set a bad example for their children . The children of SAHMs are characterised a clingy, having not learnt share or been socialised and think the world revolves around them. Those things are offensive!

This post was quoted four times and another poster thought it should be framed because it was so good. What would the response have been if someone has written the equivalent post about WOHMs with all the associated offensive and boring stereotypes lace throughout it? I won't repeat what these stereotypes are because they are inflammatory and hurtful but we all know them.

I have been both a SAHM and WOHM and understand how both sets of stereotypes are largely untrue and incredibly unhelpful. We have to get better at looking for the positive in our own life choices and situations without seeking to drag others down to do this. It is perfectly possible to explain why being a WOHM is an excellent choice for a women and her family without resorting to criticising SAHMs (and vice versa). Until this happens, you can't expect people to be silent when offensive posts are written. It absolutely correct to call out mean and unkind posts and I won't be stopped from doing this for fear of derailing a thread.

Mine went from four and five months, albeit pt.
They're now 18 and 21. All fine.
And my pension looks great.

Whatever you do as a mum you feel guilty. You feel bad for putting your dc in nursery so that you can work - they generally love being there & thrive. You feel guilty if you’re a stay at home mum, could you give them more if you worked? Are they getting enough social interaction? Etc, etc. You just do what’s right for your family & never think you’re letting your child down whether you’re a sahm or a working one!

Thank you, that was such a vile comment.

Perfectly normal OP, I've done it twice and felt the same both times. When I went back to work first time around I had a colleague I'd been on maternity leave with chose not to go back to work. God I was jealous and pissed off. 3 months later I realised I actually enjoyed being at work. I loved my DD more than life itself but it was nice to be able to have adult conversation. It was nice to go to the toilet alone. Trouble is you go back to work your baby is still a baby. A baby that your breastfeeding or bottle feeding. A baby who likes snuggles. You're not telling them off how many times a day for climbing. You're not struggling getting them to eat their meals. You're not having trouble getting them to lie still for a nappy change. You're not pulling your hair out.
IME SAHP are rare. You get the mum (I'm well aware it could be dads but majority of the time it is mums so for the purpose of this I'm saying mums) who goes back to work PT or FT, or the one who works evenings or weekends to avoid paying for childcare. The only true SAHP I've come across in the last 7 years is a lady who had 3 children in the space of 18 months so couldn't afford to go back to work. Years ago it was normal to have a SAHP, it's not at all now.

You could try a childminder instead as it’s the same price, and it’s a home setting, with less children, so it’s a lot quieter and they get a bond with one person and their needs met a bit more. Also they go out and about to lovely day trips and playgroups etc instead of the same four walls all day. Whatever you choose, you are doing your best and everything will be ok xx

THIS!!! We can’t keep perpetuating stereotypical expectations on women with this guilt.

You are a powerful role model for your children.

My mum and dad worked full time from when I was 3 months old. She shared with me she has guilt. I have zero memories of this - but I do remember a wonderful childhood with two kick ass parents.

Totally agree!

I would like to add, I find the ‘your child will learn the world doesn’t revolve around them and their needs’ thought process really quite strange. A 1 year old should absolutely feel like their parents world revolves around them! They can learn the realities of life later on in their childhood.

I personally don’t feel a babies/toddlers needs can be met full time in nursery but perhaps I’m biased as both my parents worked full time and I hated playgroup/nursery. Still remember crying and just wanting my mum!

@Bakensmile
Why did you find it appropriate on a thread titled 'AIBU to have mum guilt over childcare situation?' to say nursery won't meet OP's child's needs and that you hated nursery as a child.
You're basically saying OP should feel guilty. Talk about kicking a girl when she's down.

OP ignore.

OP do you enjoy your work? I have been through years of guilt as although I desperately wanted to be a sahm, it became clear quite quickly when I returned to work, that I am at my best when I am working in some capacity. I feel more switched on and like me. I admire sahms who have the energy to provide a really nourishing environment to their children, like children receive at nursery but I had to admit myself, that wasn’t me! You might find the same when you return. A happy mum = happy children.

My mum was a sahm as she had no option then. She said there was no childcare or only childcare that wealthy people could afford. She has often said that she would have loved to return to work as did become quite bored at home. It wasn’t as rosey then. We just might feel like that as we enjoyed our childhoods. But there’s no reason why your child won’t enjoy their childhood. You’re clearly a loving mum trying to make a good decision for them.

This is a public forum and AIBU. I was sharing my personal experience, I didn’t realise we had to unanimously agree with the OP 🤔

I felt this way and don’t regret staying in paid work as wouldn’t want the personal risks of time out.

But would have made different childcare choices and spent even more money on childcare - eg nannyshare. Realise many don’t have that option and we couldn’t have afforded a nanny.

We initally preferred nursery but had some seemingly ‘good’ London nurseries for DC1 that were not at all good. DH ‘brushed it under the carpet’ and I was exhausted and finding alternative childcare seemed hard, so we didn’t change it until I went on mat leave with DC2. I think that time could well have been detrimental to DC1 (now an older teen). Later, after we moved out of London, a great childminder.

So would say seek the best childcare you can afford and if you’re unhappy with it, have a bad feeling, seek to change it.

@Bakensmile you don't need to agree. But OP has to go back to work, she's said they can't afford for her not to. Sharing your experience isn't going to make her be able to change her mind about going back to work is it? Still if it made you feel better that's all that matters.