I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

Obviously you need to sit your daughter down, explain you were stressed and didn't mean it and apologise.

If it helps, my mum used to say things like that to us kids when she was stressed. We knew she never meant it as her day to day actions were loving.

However, your daughter is feeling very vulnerable and will need lots of love from you to rebuild her trust again. It may take some time before she can forgive and forget.

How was it vile?

My mum used to say this to me and my sister pretty much daily while she was having a breakdown
that and children ruined her life, no one would want us etc

it took me a while but I have been able to forgive her as she was in a bad place and is actually a loyal and good mum in many ways

I can only imagine how awful you must be feeling OP.

I agree with the posters saying the way to repair this is to show with actions that she’s wanted. Obviously apologise. But the key to relationships isn’t the one-off great or terrible thing you do, it’s the sum of all your daily interactions. So if you’ve been distracted lately, if you haven’t spent much time with her, if you’ve been dismissive, all of that will add into how she sees your relationship in general and the remark.

Also, if you’ve got so stressed that you came out with something like that, you need to prioritise some self care too. Your Ex is a piece of shit, but don’t let his behaviour or treatment of you bleed into your home life and make you behave in ways you regret again. Look after yourself. Find ways to ease the stress that don’t mean you’re taking things out on those you love.

Context is very important here OP. If you have been a good and loving mum to your DD for 16 years, made her feel valued, cared for and wanted, you will not have undone all of that with one mistake. I would expect the people who 'never got over' something similar have a back story of less than ideal parenting and so the comment reinforced what they already suspected. 16 is old enough to understand that other people say things they don't mean, that under extreme pressure they can strike out verbally, but that the words aren't their true feelings. Hopefully you'll have already shown your daughter your true feelings throughout her life.

I was in my 40s when my mother said she had never wanted children (no contraception). She went on to say how I had made her life difficult. As a child I was always trying to please my mum, to make her happy. It’s only now I realise I could never be good enough.
Your daughter has been abandoned by both you and your husband.
so please apologise, hug her and tell her how much you love her. Explain the stress of the divorce. But keep telling her how much you love her

Do you know anything about 16 year old girls?
they are the definition of dramatic! And this poor girl has had enough drama without being told basically that she was a mistake.
I hope OP is canceling any weekend plans to focus on her daughter!

I think it would be nice if you apologised, and then followed up with a mother / daughter day out on you.... take her for a nice meal, spa day / manicure, or whatever you can both bond over.

That poor girl. The second update just makes it worse. Get her some therapy so she can unpick any feelings about her place in this family. I'd imagine she could use someone to talk to.

You need to say that you said this in the context of you love her and her brother so much that you spend so much time worrying about them and how the divorce will affect them. Not that you wish they weren't around in the first place.
You imply this in your post but you need to make this clear to her. They are your reasons for being, not a regret - you just wish you could make their lives less painful, you don't wish you'd never had them.

My mother said something similar to me when I was a teenager. It hurt so much and I never forgot it. Our relationship wasn't the best, it made my life very difficult.

She never apologised, maybe you can do that [profusely] at least. It will always be remembered though.

I think this is an honest post. Whilst parents are expected to be perfect, they're not and especially not when under extreme pressure - they are still human.

It's about more than just one comment. Despite what some are saying, lots of people say things they don't mean at all in times of stress 'I wish I was dead' for example.

If you've been a present and caring parent, have frequently told her you love her, and acted your love in many ways then one comment about not wanting kids (not not wanting her specifically, but a general comment) will be hurtful, yes, but I think you can come back from it.

I always think actions speak louder than words. Your words said something hurtful - you were lashing out - but by the sounds of it whilst your ex's actions mirror your words, YOUR actions don't. You do need to talk this through with her - how frustrated you are you can't give her the things you feel she deserves (like driving lessons) and so you lashed out and you'd do anything to take those words back.

By the sounds of it you said 'kids' not HER. That's a big difference. It's a cry of a feeling that you can't properly care for your children and give them what they need now and so think maybe your decision to have them wasn't fair TO THEM, that's what I'd take from that. Not a selfish thing but more of an 'how on earth can I cope - I can't give them what they deserve' now your bastard ex has washed his hands of them.

Unless your teenager is unusual, she'll be saying things she doesn't mean almost daily and lashing out at you sometimes, saying things she doesn't mean, too.

You have a lot of apologising to do and acting in ways that give the lie to your words because it was a terrible thing to say (and you must own that). But I do think ultimately, actions speak louder than words.

Oh, OP I think you find yourself living in a tough reality that you didn’t expect or anticipate. The pressure is huge (I know). Reading between the lines, I think what you feel is guilt. You long to give your dd the driving lessons that her brother had and to help her out financially. Her dad doesn’t see her (why?). These things will take time to resolve. Prioritise your mental well-being, talk to your dd about what you’re really feeling. Plan some quality time with her. Don’t panic about the future, just focus on loving her for now. The rest will fall into place in time.

The converse is also true - there are plenty of parents who say they love their children and never say anything wrong (partly no doubt because they're not around that much) but also demonstrate they don't care about those children daily by prioritising everyone and everything over their kids.

My mum said similar to me. "I would probably be married again and living somewhere nice if I didn't have you." Basically saying children are a burden. I never forgot it. Any time after that when she said she loved me I would think "Nah, I know how you really feel."

My mother used to say this to me quite a lot of times . She never once apologised or acknowledged it. I didn’t even want her to say sorry after a while - instead I pitied her.
Our relationship is severely damaged as a result.

How could you say that? Even in your angriest moment, you should never say that. She will never forget those words. Poor kid

Instead of posting a thread on a forum to tell the world "how you feel" how about telling her?

My mother was horrible to me when I got pregnant - despite me being in a committed reationship. Her comment has never left me 'You don't know how lucky you are having abortions available. I couldn't get one for you'.
Thanks, mum.

Reading this thread I am so so sorry to everyone who has experienced a parent saying something along these lines to them. It's horrifying.

My first baby is only 4 months old. I would give me life in a second for her. I know there are some people who do regret having children and they may have their reasons (lord knows kids can test us and put us through it) but to say it to their child regardless of age, is just so terrible. I could never in a million years say that to her.

I hope your daughter can find it in her heart to forgive you OP. She has been let down by you and her dad.

She won't forget what you've said but you can spend a lifetime trying to get her to see you don't mean it.

My mother told me this, never forgot it. It’s the worst thing you can say to your child but she will most likely forgive you if you show her with actions, not mere words, that you didn’t mean it. But yes I’d be begging for forgiveness if I’d said that to my child.

For Heaven's sake,.get a grip! There is nothing to say that the OP's daughter was unwanted,unloved, and disappointing! Talk about making a drama out of a crisis!
The girl is 16, old enough to recognise her Mum's stress.Since Mum has been a loving Mum all the girl's life, she will recognise an aberration from her Mum.

“ you’ve ruined my day”
“you’re driving me insane”
”get out of my sight”
”you’re doing my head in”

‘Unwise’ but forgivable things we may say to our kids in the heat of the moment.

“I wish you had never been born”

Not the same thing that is it Dacadactyl

This is so true. So while mum was saying hurtful things. Dad was abroad and we’d be lucky if he phoned at Christmas
so you can imagine she had a lot of stress and responsibilities

I'm sure the OP would also give her life for her children.

The most relevant bit of your post is My first baby is only 4 months old - you've no idea how tough it can get.

What the OP said was wrong, but don't assume you'll be perfect in 15 years' time.