I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

Yes and a lot of them are grudge-bearing .... erm, people...

I believe you are very wrong and trying for an MN 'in joke' or something with this post, which seems rather reductive and misses the mark.

OP, I really hope you take note of the posters sharing their own experiences. I was 15 when my father died, and my mother was juggling desperate grief, financial stress, children, shock and goodness knows what else.

In one nasty moment for both of us, she said something similar to what you said, to me.

Present day, we have a good relationship, in that its civilised and with love, and we're generally calm, thoughtful people. However, I have never, ever forgotten her lashing out and what she said. I retained the message that her love is finite and can be removed in times of stress - I'd never, ever thought that before.

Take time to go through this with your daughter patiently, and meaningfully.

You need to work really hard to fix this my mother said something similar when I was 11 ( well she wished I was dead) it has lived in my head for 41 years I can’t stand her

Interesting, so many people saying they never recovered from hearing this from their parents. My mum said it to me maybe 30 years ago, I remember it, but it never affected me. I knew I was loved and I always had a good relationship with my mother. I recognised it even then as just something said in anger.

I disagree with those saying she’ll never get over it. What you do after makes the difference between her getting over it and not (as well as your relationship with her already). My dad once said it to me when I was 16. I don’t want to go into specific details because it’s outing but he said it in a far nastier way than you said it and he said it to hurt me. He apologised once he was sober (he was an alcoholic) and his apology was genuine and I accepted it. I had a difficult relationship with my dad because of the booze but despite horrible words on occasion, I guess his actions throughout my life made me feel he did love and want me. He died nine years ago and I miss him very much. I’m not downplaying those people who haven’t been able to get over it at all, I do think it’s complex though and it all really comes down to what your relationship with her is like. Say sorry, show her you’re sorry (not with daft grand gestures obviously but by being there for her) and move on. And try to afford yourself some grace. Everyone makes mistakes, especially in times of stress.

Same with me and my mum. Only I was also slapped, often, as a child and teen. It was confusing, as well as painful and god only knows what else, because I did know that she loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I was strong-willed, my mum had a short fuse, and we clashed.

I don't actually remember what she said to me at all. I have never forgotten, and never will, but somehow I always was able to forgive her, and we were very close until sadly I lost her way too soon. She was an amazing granny.

So personally, for me, if the context is normally a loving relationship, and this is an aberration, then I don't see why it can't be recovered.

So please don't take the sanctimonious, perfect brigade to heart. I don't believe the half of them.

Yes, it wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was in the heat of the moment. Tell her how upset you are that she can't have a car like her brother, but could they share that one? Could you run to driving lessons?

You need to have a damn good word with that fucking evil sperm donor and tell him he needs to step up big time. Cruel selfish bastard. Doesn't care about anything clearly but getting his end away with the tramp who took up with him.

Absolutely!!

I might say sometimes I should have stuck with cats...

She said she wished she hadn't had children, plural?

Present day, we have a good relationship, in that its civilised and with love, and we're generally calm, thoughtful people. However, I have never, ever forgotten her lashing out and what she said. I retained the message that her love is finite and can be removed in times of stress - I'd never, ever thought that before.

My experience and reaction to it is similar to this. My mum said something similar to me when I was 13. I was shocked, hurt and felt worthless. She's never apologised to me and never explained why she said it. I knew she preferred my brother, but hadn't realised to what extent. She seemed sorry within a few hours afterwards but I'm not sure what she was sorry for - whether she meant it but felt she shouldn't have said it or whether she thought she'd crossed a line, or what happened.

So 40 years later we have a civil and loving relationship but we're nowhere near as close as she would like us to be. However, it's not just what she said, but her reaction afterwards. Had she sat down with me and apologised and explained how stressed she was and that she was sorry she lashed out, I'd have gained some understanding and respect. As it is, I think she can be weak and spiteful and cowardly. It pains me to say that about her, but it's true.

So I think OP you need to sit down with your daughter and fully explain to her why you said what you said. Really own up to it and apologise to her. Then I think you can begin to repair the relationship and move on. But if you don't face up to this, it will always be there. There will always be a barrier between you.

Look, you’re only human and humans say awful things from time to time, including to the people they love the most.

I had a mother who was extremely stressed and unhappy and once or twice she said and did awful things. I understood op. I forgave her. We have a great relationship now.

Stop dwelling on it now, or you’ll make it worse. Just apologise, tell her you don’t mean it, but lashed out without thinking and tell her how much you love her. Take her out and do something nice with her to show her how much you enjoy her company, maybe for a lunch or coffee and a cake. And work on building your relationship with her.

Best of luck.

Not only did I get the hurtful comment with no apology I also had both parents ignore me when I was growing up so you need to step up and do what her dad is not doing

Me too - there are certain things that you never forget.

My mum said this to me when I was around 10, and it has really affected me deeply in my life. But in her case, it wasn’t a one off - she told me for much of my childhood that she thought I was worthless and and an idiot and so on.

It doesn’t sound like you said it that way at all. It seems like it was a one-off and it wasn’t anything about her as a person. You must feel awful, and I think having sincere conversations with her about it will help make things better. It sounds like you are going through a lot as well, so do be kind to yourself!

How high handed can anyone be!

Pompous or what?!

You do realise it doesn't matter one damn what you "believe"!!!

That is not as awful as it sounded from your original post. It wasn’t like saying that she was so awful you regretted her, but that the situation was so bad you sometimes wished you hadn’t had kids. And you say you didn’t mean it for a moment. Hopefully you can get across to her that this was a stupidly misjudged expression of how hard things are right now but that you absolutely don’t feel that about your children, who you love.

My dad said to me once that he sometimes thinks he shouldn’t have had children. I think he was blaming himself for hard experiences in my sibling’s life. It wasn’t an expression of his not loving us - which would be very different. I don’t think he quite appreciated the implications of saying this to your daughter!

My dad said this to me when I was 16. Meant every word. Mum defended it as him just being in a bad mood. Never ever forgotten it. These words don't just come out, you have to think them first.

Did you never raise it with your mother and talk it out?

You see, maybe it's just me - but I've never been good with grudges.

I don't think she's here to follow your instruction.

She hasn't posted since 18.55...

You’ve not said if you’ve apologised. Doing this and explaining and saying can you make her a hot chocolate/late night microwave cake/go get a takeaway/anything different and nice will show that you mean it

How awful 😢💜

It makes no sense to me that the OP has not mentioned her daughter's reaction nor whether she has apologised to her daughter. I would've thought it would be natural to mention that in the opening post or if not, in the update.

Very puzzling. 😕

My mum used to tell me that as well. Except she didn't say it in the heat of the moment, she would calmly complain how having children ruined her life and all the things she could have done if it wasn't for having children.

Me too.

I posted this, clicked off Safari and went about my business. Commenting this made no difference to my life so why are you bothered? I read the OP and I commented what I liked. I’m not your dear fyi. HTH

!!