I told DD I wish I had never had her

[user9009887]

I feel terrible obviously I never meant it but life is just stressful at the moment.

In August my husband and father of my two children DS 20 and DD 16 left. He had been having an affair for 5 years and when I found out he went to live with the other woman.

He has no contact with DD but does see DS occasionally as they both work near each other.

DD doesn't talk about her Dad she started college in September and has made new friends and doesn't speak about her home life to them. She doesn't see any old school friends anymore I don't know if that is just a part of growing up or if it is to avoid talking about her Dad.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce and was going over bits this afternoon and I snapped at DD and told her I wish I had never had her.

Her Dad has abandoned her and now I have said this to her I can't imagine what is going on in her head right now.

Bollocks.

We all say stuff we don't mean.

OP was obviously highly stressed given what she's been through. As long as she shows her child she didn't mean what she said and apologises that's enough.

Apologise sincerely to your DD and don’t make excuses. Work on building your relationship.

My DM told me when I was about 20 that she had booked an abortion but her GP talked her out of it and it’s something she’s always regretted. When I was late 30s she told she has always been disappointed in me, and also that I should have got cancer instead of my cousin.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg and I have been NC now for years. She wrote to tell me she has terminal cancer and I have not replied. Don’t be us and allow your relationship to be destroyed by your comments - repair it now and mean it.

Parenting is so hard and we say things we don't mean. Yes they stick but we can all work to make them better. My dd2 and I have been throug lots. We're both a bit volatile and possibly have ADHD. I love her more than life itself but we can push each others' buttons.

OP tell your dd you're in pieces, how much your h leaving and trying to hold it together has been hard, how you absolutely hit out at the people who love you and you love the most. Spend time together doing what she wants to do. Love her unconditionally. And good luck. It's not insurmountable x

Don't beat yourself up OP.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. And teenagers try the patience of a Saint. Just apologise profusely and ask her what she'd like to do this weekend, so you can make it up to her.

Tell her everything was building up and getting to you; that you didn't mean it and that you love her.

With the context of your second post, I would explain to your DD that you don't regret having her, rather you hate the pain of the situation and wish she was not also having to suffer this. That you know your own pain and stress means you are struggling to give the support she needs at times, but that you will always be there for her and love her. Maybe suggest therapy if she wants to try it, either alone or with you.
I think you had some harsh responses, of course it wasn't a great thing to say but a lot of posters just stuck the boot in without offering anything constructive. I wish you and your DC well.

Yikes, this is pretty awful to say. I'm not sure what you could say to explain this, and I question why this comment would even be a thought.

Don't mean to beat you up more than I'm sure you're beating up yourself, but just a thought to think about because I am sure she'll be thinking that.

Sincerely hope all goes well

Absolutely appalling.
One parent cuts her off and the other says she wishes she was never born.
I hope you cant sleep for a week.

I hope Your DD is "ok" or as close to it as she can be.

You don't get sarcasm either.

Completely pointless post.

You do realise there is a human being behind this post? One whom you're casually slating?

Despicable.

All these bloody saints on here, never saying anything to their kids in the heat of the moment, that on reflection wasnt wise!

I just don't believe you.

You do realise that you’re casually slating a human being by calling them despicable? How about you don’t throw stones from glass houses?

If I’m despicable for commenting ‘Awful’ on a post where the OP says that she told their child she wishes they were never born, then I’m as despicable as one can get.
Enjoy your night dear

I find it weird that such words were in your head but hey

My mother told me this often from when I was about 11. She said that my physical disability was God punishing her for something she'd done. Before that, when I was young enough to believe it, she'd threaten to call social services to take me away for what in hindsight was ordinary childish misbehaviour. I used to apologise for being born and ruining her life. It took until I was much older for me to see how fucked up it all was. She did have problems in life but as an adult I can't imagine taking out frustrations on my child that way. I don't see her now.

OP if this is the first time you've ever said anything like this and you apologise then you're not like my mother, you're a generally good parent who made a mistake. She may remember it but she'll remember all the good things too. Don't be too hard on yourself.

@Dacadactyl come on, there's snapping at your child... and then there's telling your child you wish you never had them. That is quite a different level!! Hardly 'saintly' to avoid that sort of thing... it's not snapping at them that they're clumsy after spilling some milk or something!!

However OP I think you can help heal the damage here with a massive apology. But you've got some serious making up to do.

My mother said this to me repeatedly.

I know she suffered badly with what would now be post natal depression, and had depression all her life. Even now, though, in my mid 50s, I still wonder if it was her or the illness talking. She never, ever told me she loved me, either. I thought I was unlovable and incapable of love for more than 35 years.

I'm sure you'll have brought up your daughter very differently to this, but please do everything can you to reassure your daughter that she was and is wanted, and very much loved.

I was referring to your post. It's despicable.

You may or not be despicable, I don't know you.

Back at ya babe.

100% agree!

My mum said the same to me at about the same age and at 36 it's still the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. It affected me for a long time. She never apologised or accepted responsibility for her words and actions.

Trtft but if you're remorseful you need to show her. You need to go back to her, take full accountability for what you've said, that you were taking out your overwhelm on her and that that was inexcusable regardless of what pressures you have going on. Id tell her clearly that you're truly sorry and tell her that you love her very much. Then you need to find ways to actively show her that you love her because you've now cast doubt on that. I'd make a point of setting some time aside to have time with just you and dd doing something fun.

Also op you need to address the root of the problem which is your inability to cope with the stressors in your life either through contact with the gp or counselling. You need to start actively practicing better self care so you can be an appropriate parent while this shit show rages around you in terms of divorce because your relationship breakdown is not your children's problem and they will need more from you as a result of it.

OP. I'm sorry you are going through a horrible time right now x

Please don't beat yourself up. Perfect parents don't exist, the best are only ever good ones, who sometimes make mistakes.

This doesn't make you a bad parent, just someone going through a horrible time, who said something wrong in the heat of the moment.

I think how you make your daughter feel most of the time is what really matters, and although she may not forget it, going forward, what she'll remember is the kind of mother you were to her, and that you were the one that was there for her.

I really like the letter idea. I think it's really important that she doesn't feel responsible for your problems, as she may blame herself, and there's a small danger of her taking responsibility for other people's feelings, going forward, so for her to have something she can look at, and digest, will be really helpful. When we are feeling hurt or upset we don't always hear the good things people are saying about us.

Big hug xx

OP, I'm sorry that I posted my previous message before I saw your update -- from your update it sounds a lot better than your initial post. I think you spoke in a very clumsy way rather than just maliciously and that makes all the difference. I'm sure your daughter will forgive you if you explain how you feel, tell her you love her etc xxx

What an awful time for you all.

I would definitely make sure you apologise and spend some quality time with your DD.

Mn really does adore putting the boot in, doesn't it? Stop being fucking cruel.

Not long after my dad died, my mum told me that she wished I had died instead of him. I was 10. Our relationship never really recovered (though TBF she never apologised). I recognise now that she was deep in dreadful grief, and that people can say terrible things at such times. But at the time it crushed me.

Another vile comment. Reported

Are you in the habit of saying the most hurtful thing that comes into your head whenyou're angry, regardless of whether or not they are true?