AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

I would bitch and moan about the ex, but I couldn't say no....I wouldn't turn down extra time with my child

Not unreasonable if he has to work and therefore isnt available to look after them.
If she wants to go away without the kids, then she needs to be the one to sort childcare arrangements for her usual time of having them out.

@blueluce85 problem is, it isn't really extra time with his kids. It would be me looking after them and doing school runs etc, and he would get to see them for maybe an extra 2 hours across the whole 10 days after he finished work/ travelled home. I also work and have a life away from DP/ his kids, so it would also impact on my job and my other commitments.

Can’t imagine saying no to having my DC
What a shame for them

Many people don’t have the luxury of not working

She's taking the piss for free childcare.Tell her you are going to CMS if she doesn't have them 50-50, and mean it.

YANBU. The DC have a mother and father but they are delegating the childcare to you.

@Whaleandsnail6 this is what I have said to. It's different if DP is told months in advance, but when it's dropped on with little notice (sometimes as little as 24 hours!!) then we can't keep breaking our backs to facilitate the life she is trying to lead!

On the flip side, DP has never even asked her to have the kids an extra 5 minutes on his time.

Just wanted to make sure DP and I aren't being unreasonable before the usual horrible messages start 🙄

She’s being unreasonable. I’m assuming she knows your DP has to agree work days way in advance and getting a swap is hard. She just wants to do what she wants to do and / or you to pick up the slack. It sounds like you’ve been flexible before but now maybe it’s time for to feel some natural consequences

@Motheranddaughter I can't imagine swanning off on holiday without first organising childcare for mine, but here we are...

@LifeExperience I have said this to DP already. He doesn't want to rock the boat given her history of behaviour towards him, but I have reminded him of her claiming months of incorrect CM payments and the hell she put us through during this time!

In that case you have a dh problem. He needs to man up.

Same goes for swanning off on holiday on your time with them, without even bothering to sort childcare first.

@KirstenBlest just to be clear, no one is delegating childcare to me here. Well, mother has tried to previously but been shut all the way down.

I have offered previously when kids would be on their own at a school awards (because I hate the thought of them looking for a familiar face in the crowd and never seeing 1!), for example, or when DP has been stuck at work due to an emergency (we work in the same industry, so I know how often these emergencies can and do happen).

@KombuchaKalling she knows very well the kind of hours he works as his job was the same throughout their entire relationship! She is also well aware that I work and can't just drop everything to accommodate her lifestyle!

I think we have been mugs before to be honest, and agree there has to be a consequence for her lack of planning/ consideration.

The fact she’s booked a holiday and then asking about childcare just shows how selfish she is so I’ll vote YANBU. Obviously most parents would jump at the chance for extra time with their children but If it’s short notice and work is planned and there really is no way to have the children then a no is fine to say, it’s unreasonable for you or dp to loose money from taking time out of work for the children (unless she would compensate you?) if she continually takes advantage. As a one of with plenty of notice would be ok

@LifeExperience agreed, he needs to put his big boy pants on and sort something formally. There's no CAO in place, which I have been nagging him to sort before her next stunt.
Sadly, she's very predictable and is likely to try to use all these things against him at some point 😔

@Coconutter24 the only way around it is for me to have the kids. This would only give DP an extra 2 hours roughly in total across the 10 days. Whereas it would take nearly 3 hours out of my work days for travel/ school runs and then of course my evenings due to having to do the dinner/ bedtime routines etc. I'm not willing to impact my life so she can do as she pleases when she wants to!
No chance she will compensate us. She wouldn't even answer the phone weeks back after DP and I had been in hospital and were just asking if we could have some trainers to save us driving home and back again. She was aware we had been in hospital, and likely thought DP was calling to ask her to pick the kids up from school!

I think he should just say no. It isn't a case of him turning down time with the kids, since he'll be at work anyway. The kids will be in some sort of childcare whatever happens now, the only question is who is responsible for organising and funding it - and that's squarely her, because it's her time. Shit for the kids, yes, but that's on her as well. DH should tell her she'll either have to cancel the holiday, take them with her or sort childcare.

@sprigatito couldn't agree more!! DP has made it clear it's a no (hasn't stopped her persistently asking or trying to use emotional blackmail via the kids). DP has also suggested she asks her family or sorts a baby sitter to be at the house. He has made it clear it is at her cost. She could have booked the following week and taken the children with her without impacting school, but of course she said DP was being unreasonable in suggesting she take the kids on holiday with her...

FUCK SAKE.

Every time there are kids involved - kids who are clearly safe/loved and in a shared childcare routine with two parents - someone acts like it is the greatest tragedy of all humanity that a parent might not be able to accommodate last minute changes.

"OH, THE POOR BABIES WILL FEEL SO UNLOVED!!!"

No. There is a childcare system in place, well-established for some time. Some twat of a CF thinks she can guilt trip the dad/dad's gf into accommodating her whims because of PRENT GUILT.

It's sad indeed, but absolutely not because the person unrelated to the kids doesn't want to look after them (which is fair, children who aren't your own are annoying - even the good ones!). What is really sad is the mother not having mastered basic adult etiquette and trying to offload her kids with no notice.

She's allowed all the holidays she wants. She just needs to ask first.

OF COURSE YANBU OP. Not even a tiny, tiny bit.

CO-PARENTING requires mutual respect. That's it. Ask, don't tell about changes.

Exactly.

My DH and I often have my DSC for mum to go on holiday. She has never once done it without asking, so DH can arrange time off if needed and can enjoy the time with them. And it works both ways. My DH's ex would never just book a holiday without checking. That's how the system works.

Don't say no. Say "We can't."
Let her think you have an obligation that precludes you from changing your schedule.

I think your dh has to tread very carefully around the wording of not wanting to his kids.

I don't think dh is unreasonable to be annoyed at trying to arrange childcare while working on the days he wouldn't usually have the kids.

I think asking ex to make the days up is a bit weird and transactional.