AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

@Conkersinautumn at first it was phrased as I 'I might book this'. Before DP could even reply to say he wasn't able to change shifts, she had already messaged again to say it was booked.

The audacity of her is just something else 🤣

None of which are relevant at all to this thread, or the kids being discussed.

Please either make a point or stop derailing.

Correct, but absolutely none of them apply to being a stepparent

Even if you were working away and wouldn't even see them, really?

What do you imagine would happen if OP wasn't there? You know, the person the mother is actually leaving her kids with?

@PretzelMeUp I couldn't agree more!! It seems some people think I should be able to do everything whilst also never involving myself or trying to be anything other than a woman who exists for any man's children that I may come in to contact with.

It's an absolute joke!!

The kids have 2 parents. I accept them in to my life, but not at the detriment of me and the benefit of the woman who birthed them but can't even be arsed with them!! I say that based on stuff the kids have told us, and this is another fine example that backs it up!!

If the mother can’t “be arsed” with them and you say this is based on information from the kids, why om earth is their father allowing this to occur and not fighting for primary custody?

So why isn't he fighting to have them full time if he is such an amazing father? Or is this competition between you and her more important?

I am yes. OP still has no obligation to look after the kids

Absolutely her problem if she loses the money as no sane parent books a holiday without arranging for their children to be cared for. How rude to just assume you’d do it when you work and have a life too.

Do you honestly really think that?
Morally even ? It feels like the kids are being rejected. That's the optics.

You’re the poster who started off saying to OP it was between DH and his ex only, (‘end of’) and now it’s morally OP’s obligation to look after the kids?

The mental gymnastics to pin absolutely any issue on a step-mother figure is unreal. You cannot make decisions/have any say whatsoever, but you must pick up any slack, without question.

She is being unreasonable! She's an idiot for booking a holiday and THEN asking him to cover it, madness! My ex would tell me no chance and he'd be right to do so!

Right? I feel like my brain is melting from the logic here 🤪🤪🤪

OP - I’m dipping out this thread now the “IF HE’S SO GREAT WHY DOESN’T HE FIGHT FOR CUSTODY” numpties are here (exes can disagree and still be adult enough to know that whilst they disagree with a parenting style, it’s best for the children to see both parents often) and now it’ll descend into the usual bollocks.

YANBU, you DH INBU, his ex IS BU.

Good luck!

Don't give a shit about optics. My step kids parents sort it out between themselves because they are good parents

Very disingenuous of you - OP said the mother can’t “be arsed” with the children based on info from the kids. That is worrying and it’s absolutely normal to question why their actual father, no less, hasn’t stepped in. Unless OP is not being accurate?

Would I hell babysit for her.

Who do you think she will use to look after them? Is she the sort to go anyway and text yous on the day?

I would ever so subtly mention that all these extra days that have been added on over the year would have taken you away from 50/50 care and you will be putting in a cms claim yourselves. She's obv money orientated if what you've said about her is true

Yes that's what I'm saying.
Someone has to be a responsible adult (for the sake of the children) and put the children first. Pull as many faces as you like, I'm taking it the situation seriously.

@Moonshine5 their mother = ‘someone’

@Moonwatcher1234 because there is no neglect or abuse taking place that any court or authority would agree warrants him having full time residency and her only have access. It has already been heavily looked in to. She would never agree to it amicably as it would impact her finances (CB and having to pay CM).

When I say can't be arsed with them; I mean sitting in her room away from them/ going to the pub with her boyfriend/ prioritising boyfriend over them/ failing to attend school events/ expecting the eldest to look after the youngest (dressing/ cooking dinner/ going out places), not spending money on clothes/ shoes etc (which they have because DP and I have provided them).

@WandaWonder theres no competition you loon 🤣🤣🤣

Nope... can't stand my ex, but I still wouldn't pull a stunt like this. I go on holiday all the time without my DC (also bring them on lovely holidays and trips away). But I always have a stand in for 'my time' with them I.e. my parents. I'll offer DC father the chance to have them while I'm away, if he can't, I have made other arrangements. Anything else is just creating drama and putting DC in the middle of it.

Out of nosiness - How last minute is this? Is she leaving in a week, 2 weeks?

@Moonshine5 I thought you said its nothing to do with me 'end of'. Therefore my morals don't come in to this!!

Please, make it make sense!

If I was him I’d jump at the chance of having my child longer, I can’t believe you’re all arguing about not wanting them. How shit is that. I hope,they don’t know. How the fuck is it taking the piss that he needs to care for his own kids more, it’s not a chore.