AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

@Windymcwindyson DP rearranges shifts (which are set a year in advance) around his kids. So if he has them on a Thursday, for example, but is scheduled to work 6 months time on that Thursday then he will book leave/ swap the shift etc.

We also never ask her to swap days etc, as we just organise ourselves/ plans around the childcare arrangement!

Just to be clear, DP would have his kids if he could. The fact is, she's yet again not given enough notice for this to be organised.

Her going on holiday isn't an issue. DP and I are saving for much more important things right now, and neither are interested in a holiday other than maybe a weekend away together or UK break with the kids.

My issue is her constantly not considering anyone else but herself. DP and I are able to organise ourselves around the kids and never impact her, why can't she extend the same respect to us?!

Stand firm imo.
Or send her a preliminary invoice for your childcare services.. I bet you aren't worthy of any sort of recognition as a sm unless it suits her..

That’s the same for most working parents so not sure on your point there.

it looks like it is booked now and I’d far rather look after my own children than for them to be shafted elsewhere.

@Onabench it's like you're reading a different thread.

They are not ops kids. She'll add 3 hours extra to her day if she accommodates this.

Dad won't see them because of his working hours that are organized a year ahead.

Just keep saying no and maybe sooner or later she will realise. Hopefully her last minute deal is non refundable and she finally gets the picture.

You have a say in the house not the kids. They're not your step children in the eyes of the law. Just support their father in their wellbeing.
YANBU as it's not your decision there is no we until you get married.

And I think it's awful no one wants them. I find it disturbing that you put a laughing emoji with that sentence; it's a serious matter.

@Onabench because I didn't birth them, they are not my responsibility and my life should not be negatively impacted because an adult can't be a reasonable human being and a considerate mother?

They become her step children and she their step mother. Atm OP is their dads' girlfriend/ partner / etc.

I don't care what the parents go on about having kids is a separate thing, it is not the kids fault parents have to complicate their lives

Still doesn't change a thing. It's just the terminology that's changed.

Even marriage wouldn't hand op any legal obligation to her dsc..they are only her responsibility when the dm says so... As is the way usually...

@Windymcwindyson I was SM of the year when things were on her terms constantly. Sadly when she had to step up herself and parent, instead of prioritising important school events over getting drunk (just 1 of hundreds of examples), I became the evil entity that DP had inflicted on his kids...

@Alwaysalwayscold DP has taken to ignoring any messages about the holiday now. Hopefully she gets the hint soon when she realises he is only replying to things that actually need a response!

I too hope it's non refundable and teaches her a lesson in etiquette and basic parenting!!

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

I can't believe she booked it without considering childcare.

Agreed. She’s done it that way on purpose to make you feel you can’t say no.

Emotional blackmail.

@Moonshine5 it isn't that no one wants them. It's that the parent who SHOULD have them has decided her wants are more important than their needs and her parental responsibility.

I get a say in anything that impacts on my home and me. Shall I ask ExW for additional money for fuel, food, utilities, my lost working hours in order to look after her children's wellbeing on her time?

I put a laughing face because there is no fight as you phrased it. You've made it out as if we are going all handbags at dawn over this. She's been told no, politely and firmly. She continues to push that boundary and will cause an issue. Not DP or I.

@SouthLondonMum22 @ElevenSeven honestly, it isn't even the worst she has done!!

She is a real CF, but I'd have thought she had at least a shred of common sense to at least wonder what she would do if DP couldn't have the kids...

The exW is properly ridiculous to BOOK a holiday without having planned in childcare, especially when it's clear she has plenty of child free time available regularly. She created her own problem.

There’s no legal difference though.

StepXXX literally just means married to someone who already had children. There are zero rights or responsilities conferred as a result.

You do not need to justify yourself OP. Neither does your DP in this situation.

Let’s be clear:

The mum and the dad have an established pattern of custody.

The mum arbitrarily decided to change it without checking.

It’s not open for debate: she is unreasonable as fuck.

Now, I’m sure your DP would love extra time with his kids. But he won’t get that here because he is working and cannot change shifts/book time off at such short notice. PERFECTLY REASONABLE.

They are not your kids. Whether you call them your stepkids or not (who fucking cares??) you do not have to be DELIGHTED to drop everything to see them. That’s some sexist bullshit that is a specialism of Mumsnet: stepparents MUST NOT INTERFERE WITH DISCIPLINE however THEY MUST LOVE THESE CHILDREN AS THEIR OWN AND SACRIFICE THEIR LIFE BECAUSE OF THE CHIIIIIILDRENNNN.

Bollocks.

If she wants you to look after the kids, look up local childcare rates and see if she suddenly figures out a way to move her dates around.

Honestly, people are allowed to not always want the children by their side when they know the kids will be completely safe and loved somewhere else.

You are correct

@ElevenSeven people don't seem to understand this. I have no parental responsibility unless a court grants it to me!!

I absolutely accept the kids as part of my relationship. What I don't accept, however, it being 2nd mum to them because their actual mum can't be arsed!! My role in their lives is so far distanced from the role of their parents, and that's how it should be!!

There's many significant differences between marriage and living together.

And PUR-LEASE the semantics over stepkids vs bf’s kids. yawn

Makes no difference. Loving partnerships mean discussing the big situations in your partner’s life. It’s fine for OP to be involved in the decision making/discussion, ESPECIALLY AS THE CF EX EXPECTS OP TO DO THE FUCKING BULK OF CHILDCARE.