AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

She is being unreasonable but the children need someone

Are you worried about 50/50 and her making the days up if you do have them? Or are you worried that he can’t change his shifts so they literally can’t be left with anyone?

They’re both valid concerns, but best to focus on the one that’s most pressing. I can’t imagine booking a holiday without my children without knowing who would be looking after them FIRST!

I do not understand why anyone with children would not take them on holiday with them, so selfish

What a cow. How dare she?

I would say no, it's not possible. She sounds like my dsd's mum. I was always in the "let's make it work" camp no matter what until after years of it I realised her agenda was to manipulate any situation to paint us as the bad guys with nonstop game playing. Working together is pointless if you have opposing objectives.

Imagine booking a holiday without your children and no childcare plan in place. I mean most sane people wouldn't do that even when they live with the other parent.

Is it possible for you to book the night she plans to do them off for a lovely overnight in a hotel for you and DP?

She sounds like the sort of dick who would turn up anyway so you can't say no in front of them.

If you're not there....

Yanbu. She is taking the piss

Sorry but this is between your DP and his ex.
End of.
If it was a DH maybe..

Are you all fighting over who doesn't have the children.

Well tell her there won't be any cms those weeks.
Bet it's her bloody spending money!

👏👏👏👏

Because not everything you do as a pare t has to involve your kids. I go on holiday with my partner every year without them. Then one with them. The ex in this scenario is of course wrong for not organising things properly but the actual holiday itself is not an issue.

I agree with a PP who said to say you can't rather than you don't want to etc. you don't even need to explain why you can't, but if the kids ask you could always say you have a night away or evening out etc planned in. Also I would stay away from asking her if she's planning to make the days up elsewhere as it sounds like if she says yes to that then actually you could have the kids the extra time.

DP needs to stand his ground otherwise this will continue to happen, it's not his or your fault if she now looses out on a holiday!

If mum can't be arsed to look after them why should you do it for her!

If DH wants to do it then that's fine, that's his choice. But no way should you feel obliged to do this.

No, getting married doesn't make a difference they don't become her kids upon marriage.

@midgetastic so who do you propose it is? Us? Why should we have to accommodate her last minute holiday?

@AliceOlive she has been told DP can't due to his work. She's then asked why I can't. 2 reasons in my eyes- I also have work and I'm not free childcare. Especially not when she has been so inconsiderate of the kids and DP/ me.

She is well aware that DP requires at a minimum 6 weeks notice due to work.

@Hankunamatata he hasn't said he doesn't want his kids. He CAN'T have them due to work. I can't have them due to work, and I'm not free childcare.

It is not his responsibility or obligation, in my opinion, to organise childcare because ExW can't fathom that life doesn't revolve around her wants and needs.

I don't think it's weird or transactional given she's always getting him to have them additional days, and was happy to report incorrectly to CMS to benefit herself financially. The kids NEVER benefitted from that money, as it was never spent on them. DP continued to buy all clothes/ shoes/ school trips/ school dinners/ clubs etc whilst she told a pack of lies to CMS. At what point is she held accountable?!

@Raincloudsonasunnyday to be honest, neither. I'm not worried in the slightest, it is her concern and issue to fix.

I am more concerned that this will be used against my DP, as this is often the case. I'm also concerned that this is what She finds acceptable parenting, but that isn't my place to become involved if I'm honest.

I also can't imagine even booking a doctors appointment without consideration for my kids first!!

@KirstenBlest just to be clear, no one is delegating childcare to me here. Well, mother has tried to previously but been shut all the way down.
It's defaulting to you then.
As others have pp, the childcare is for the parents to deal with.

@Moonshine5 if it wasn't my house (solely) and didn't have any impact on me, I might agree with you. As it stands, when it impacts on my household, has impacted greatly on my finances in past, and will continue to impact my life then yes, I will be involved.

No one is fighting over who doesn't have the children 🤣 there is no fight. DP has said no. ExW continues to badger him and this will turn nasty from her part. I wanted to know if we/ DP were BU or ExW was...

@Karensalright I can understand it to A degree, it's nice to have adult time etc. However, I can't understand how the kids weren't sorted before even looking at flights!

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn thankfully I have no issue in saying no to her, and will happily not even answer the door. DP works long days and wouldn't be here if she turned up, so no dad guilt there!
Far too switched on when it comes to her games, thankfully!!

@Windymcwindyson thankfully the CMS case was eventually closed when she realised DP would go down to 2 days a week, not pay for any extras and she would be financially impacted as she would have to use the CMS money on her kids as its intended!

Although I've no doubts she lived a very lavish lifestyle whilst fraudulently claiming the money, given the new car and designer clobber she was suddenly able to purchase...

Actually it may help dh's case... He can provide details of the childcare arrangements he has in place for a good while ahead... Exh has prioritised her holiday over such plans for the dc...

@KirstenBlest genuinely confused how you've reached that opinion?